AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

I don’t think I deserve misery at all. I think lots of here think I do based on the reaction I’m not going to argue with that. That’s not why I made this post at all.

That’s what you took from my whole post?

You didn’t deny having hurt her?

You don’t seem to acknowledge the damage you’ve done and when I said “hurt” it was clear I meant in a profound way that you don’t seem to acknowledge at all.

It sounds like you think their marriage wasn’t a “real” or complete one because they didn’t yet have kids, whereas you do so your marriage is the “real” one.

I didn’t say it was a “meaningless affair” at any point.

You seem to miss the point of what I’ve said, and misunderstand what logical/ illogical means. It doesn’t mean something you disagree with.

Yeah, I don't like this. It's all a bit domestic-noir thriller novel leading up to some big confrontation. I wouldn't meet her!

I know what I think I’ve had 11 years but fair enough I am the one that posted here.

YANBU but could you just write to her and ask her to do the same, so that she feels heard. I think it is your DH who should be held to account. You are obviously regretful about the hurt that you have caused.

Well that’s just rubbish. Bullshit. Of course the OP could give an answer that could make the ex friend feel better.

I’ve definitely felt much better when someone in the past has taken responsibility for having hurt me. It’s healing and allows you to let it go.

Changing the situation is another matter, you can’t do that but you can change how people feel about it. Like there’s evidence that people who’ve had negative experiences in hospital are less likely to sue if the hospital apologises. Restorative justice has been shown to bring peace to the person affected by the crime.

Of course some people haven’t got the guts to truly face up to what they’ve done and they prefer to ‘move on’ and mimimise it. But they’re weak and selfish people.

I think I’ll ask if she’d like to call

No one thinks your baby should die.

I certainly don’t think you shouldn’t have any happiness but I think you need to acknowledge that what you did to her is woven into your life.

Hi OP, you've been getting a lot of grief on here and handling it with grace. I've been on the receiving end of infidelity so I know how horrendous that is, but you know what you did was wrong and have owned it. Plenty of people love to throw stones and I'm sure they all have an utterly blameless life. But you're right, you can't go on repenting forever, what's done is done and it was done well over a decade ago. I would not meet this lady. I agree that there is surely nothing left to be said or done. All that will happen is that it will open old wounds. Also, as awful as it is to be betrayed in marriage, at some point she is responsible for her own healing. If I had not managed to move on from what happened to me after 12 years I would be seeking therapy, not contacting the OW. That way lies only pain and madness. I'm sure this post will anger some, but people can't keep paying for the same sins over and over again until the end of time.

If the lady would just like to know if the OP is sorry then fine, a phone call can do that.

But she can't give any explanation for an affair that would make the lady feel better because there isn't any. OP was selfish. There's really all there is to it. No detail is going to make the lady feel better.

What you’ve said makes no actual sense.

I think she has acknowledged this.

I don't think there's anything she can say or do that will satisfy some people here. What do they want? Apart from the husband having more cheating sex, preferably with the ex he already cheated on, I mean.

I don’t think you deserve misery but I do think you deserve to take responsibility and be accountable and I don’t think that you have really done that and the way you write about the affair and wanting to ‘move on’ makes that perfectly clear to me.

But there are lots of selfish and uncaring people in the world so it seems like you’ll get a lot of validation and sympathy on here.

I think you did a horrible thing to your friend. Your husband did too by the way, I'm not saying it's just you. It's completely understandable she didn't want to speak to you then. I think the least you can do is speak with her if she has asked you.

I actually hope you don’t, because at this point it’s unlikely to help anyone and quite possibly could do one or both of you and your family harm.

If you were not pregnant it would be another matter.

So how long do you deem it suitable for OP to punish herself for?

I think you've taken this out of context.

But that’s the point. It’s the acknowledgment and the taking responsibility that makes the other person feel better. It’s not finding a reason to make the affair reasonable, that’s what people do to fool themselves not other people.

Now while I can’t abide cheats; my dad had an affair and left when I was in my mid teens, @Greeneham i don’t think you should meet this woman.

its 10 years! Life has moved on. She has nothing tying her to him, and your friendship with her is over.

tell her that the past is best left in the past, that you wish her well as you’ve always done, that you’ve repented enough.

you don’t owe her anything. You’ve apologised, you’ve worn the hair shirt. Enough

She may also try to get in your head and throw some kind of grenade in your marriage

leave the past in the past.

Once again I haven’t said she should punish herself. Read it again.

Don’t do that, it’s better not to reply at all than do that.

And I think you’ve made this thread too personal. You are not the ex here. You don’t have a right to express this level of vitriol toward a stranger.

But you say that her desire to move on means she hasn't taken accountability

It's been a DECADE!! She has a right to move on with her life.

You both did an awful thing. It's devastating being in the receiving end, but I'd be very careful here. You are enjoying your life and meeting up could bring all sorts of problems with it, leading to who knows what.