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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

1000 replies

Greeneham · 17/08/2026 23:38

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

OP posts:
JaneGood · 18/08/2026 10:41

QuintadosMalvados · 18/08/2026 10:40

If this friend had moved on from this, she wouldn't be asking to meet up. There'd be no point.

If she were at a good place in her life now, she'd be wanting to just put you and your dh as a memory.
She may even be neutral about it now but she wouldn't want to meet up that's for sure.

I've moved on from exes who have treated me like shit.
I don't want them to come to harm any more, I don't want to see them, though.
What's the point?

She's clearly got some info that your dh has cheated on you, or been having an affair with him herself.

You might as well meet up, she'll only write to you or something.

Not as satisfying about telling you face-to-face but it'll have to do.

May as well rip off the band aid.

Edited

This is dumb.

”She's clearly got some info that your dh has cheated on you, or been having an affair with him herself.”

WhyDontILearn · 18/08/2026 10:42

Hellandbackand · 18/08/2026 10:39

Of course there are consequences. I have lived those consequences and so has OP. You wake up every day knowing that you set a grenade off in your life and the lives of others and you get the wrath of MN and others when they learn of what you did.
They don't involve usually being ostracised by everyone you know because humans have the gift of forgiveness and understanding. And tbh
I think people who have admitted their culpability, the fact they did a bad and wrong thing, who worked through what led them down that path with professional help and so on, they don't deserve to be ostracised by everyone.
People can be rehabilitated. Or is it simply death penalty for anyone who has committed a crime?

This. All of it.

MrsShawnHatosy · 18/08/2026 10:43

I've moved on from exes who have treated me like shit.

Did these exes sleep with your friend?

Rpop · 18/08/2026 10:43

WhyDontILearn · 18/08/2026 10:29

You won't.
People just want to see you suffer.

Oh dear, sounds a bit mediaeval.

OP asked a question to get opinions because clearly it feels hard for her to meet with this lady and she wants to hear what others think she should do.

joining a huge bashing session feels pretty inhumane and irrelevant.

ThatCyanCat · 18/08/2026 10:44

JaneGood · 18/08/2026 10:41

This is dumb.

”She's clearly got some info that your dh has cheated on you, or been having an affair with him herself.”

That poster is obsessed with wanting cheating men to keep cheating forever and only erring women suffering pain. Clearly loves cheating when it benefits men and hurts only women. Even wants him to cheat with the woman he cheated on.

Absolutely pointless.

PinkyFlamingo · 18/08/2026 10:44

Look I’m not meeting up with her anytime soon. I’m 6 months pregnant yes I know you’ll all say you hope my baby dies and you hope I suffer or my children suffer too etc etc my children are innocent from my actions.

That's a truly disgusting thing to say, noone would say that! What's wrong with you?

ProudCat · 18/08/2026 10:44

Greeneham · 18/08/2026 10:38

Look I’m not meeting up with her anytime soon. I’m 6 months pregnant yes I know you’ll all say you hope my baby dies and you hope I suffer or my children suffer too etc etc my children are innocent from my actions.

I will offer a phone call and see where we can go from there. The messages she sent were very lovely I don’t know how to feel she messaged out of the blue it’s been 11 years I don’t know what she’s up to she gave me a little update she’s recently split up with her husband and they didn’t have children and then that’s when she mentioned my son.

As much as you all think I shouldn’t have any say in anything I think I still have to think things through it’s been a long time I haven’t spoken to her or even see in her in all that time then suddenly she sees me a picture of us from 20 years ago and wishes me a happy belated 40th as it was only a few weeks after my birthday out of the blue.

Me suffering for the rest of my life for mistake I made in my 20s doesn’t necessarily help anyone as much you all think I deserve to suffer okay I agree but also who benefits from that.

Edited

Actually, I'm going to say this even more clearly. She's childless, around the age of 40, on her way to a second divorce, and she's contacting the pregnant wife of her first ex-husband and commenting on the family. I'd advise you very strongly not to open lines of communication with this person. This won't end well. She's looking for something. There's a chance she won't stop until she finds it.

Chaibiscuits · 18/08/2026 10:45

Meeting might help her bring closure and move on. I think you owe it to her. But you strike me as quite selfish so I doubt you will meet her

Tontostitis · 18/08/2026 10:45

nocoolnamesleft · 17/08/2026 23:46

Don't forget to come back and update us when your husband leaves you for his next affair partner. Once a cheater...

Nasty and untrue

WhyDontILearn · 18/08/2026 10:45

PinkyFlamingo · 18/08/2026 10:44

Look I’m not meeting up with her anytime soon. I’m 6 months pregnant yes I know you’ll all say you hope my baby dies and you hope I suffer or my children suffer too etc etc my children are innocent from my actions.

That's a truly disgusting thing to say, noone would say that! What's wrong with you?

Well people are baying for the DH to cheat on her thus causing pain to her kids so it's not that crazy is it?

Greeneham · 18/08/2026 10:46

PinkyFlamingo · 18/08/2026 10:44

Look I’m not meeting up with her anytime soon. I’m 6 months pregnant yes I know you’ll all say you hope my baby dies and you hope I suffer or my children suffer too etc etc my children are innocent from my actions.

That's a truly disgusting thing to say, noone would say that! What's wrong with you?

I mean based on the reaction telling to suffer etc the only bad thing that would make me suffer is losing my children. I got there before people could say that stuff. I’ve made a mistake no question about that and I know some would rather I live an unhappy life but that’s not really the case.

OP posts:
WhyDontILearn · 18/08/2026 10:46

Rpop · 18/08/2026 10:43

Oh dear, sounds a bit mediaeval.

OP asked a question to get opinions because clearly it feels hard for her to meet with this lady and she wants to hear what others think she should do.

joining a huge bashing session feels pretty inhumane and irrelevant.

I agree. It's awful. The bitchiness is shocking.

WhyDontILearn · 18/08/2026 10:47

ThatCyanCat · 18/08/2026 10:44

That poster is obsessed with wanting cheating men to keep cheating forever and only erring women suffering pain. Clearly loves cheating when it benefits men and hurts only women. Even wants him to cheat with the woman he cheated on.

Absolutely pointless.

Edited

It's really worryingly unpleasant. The way she has responded to posters is just so nasty.

shhblackbag · 18/08/2026 10:48

Imagine being this casual about betraying your friend. You sound like sleeping with her husband 'just happened.' It's wild.

JaneGood · 18/08/2026 10:48

PinkyFlamingo · 18/08/2026 10:44

Look I’m not meeting up with her anytime soon. I’m 6 months pregnant yes I know you’ll all say you hope my baby dies and you hope I suffer or my children suffer too etc etc my children are innocent from my actions.

That's a truly disgusting thing to say, noone would say that! What's wrong with you?

Have you read the thread? Baying wolves here.

JaneGood · 18/08/2026 10:49

shhblackbag · 18/08/2026 10:48

Imagine being this casual about betraying your friend. You sound like sleeping with her husband 'just happened.' It's wild.

Well it happened 12 years ago. How long does one need to wear the hairshirt? OP is not the same person now.

WhyDontILearn · 18/08/2026 10:49

shhblackbag · 18/08/2026 10:48

Imagine being this casual about betraying your friend. You sound like sleeping with her husband 'just happened.' It's wild.

No she's just trying to avoid sounding like she's justifying it. Because if added detail that's what people would say.

JaneGood · 18/08/2026 10:50

WhyDontILearn · 18/08/2026 10:47

It's really worryingly unpleasant. The way she has responded to posters is just so nasty.

And will have a long string of people behind her that she’s damaged in some way.

ThatCyanCat · 18/08/2026 10:51

WhyDontILearn · 18/08/2026 10:47

It's really worryingly unpleasant. The way she has responded to posters is just so nasty.

I think cheating is horrible but it's not the only way to be shit and nor is it the only way to wreck a marriage.

In some cases, I'm almost finding myself thinking, "I can see why..."

Wheresthebeach · 18/08/2026 10:52

Greeneham · 18/08/2026 08:49

Luckily I do have my ducks in a row. Maybe the marriage will end terribly its deserves on both our parts.

Your children don't deserve your marriage to end. I think you need to return to therapy as it's not healthy to think you deserve misery. To move on,you also have to forgive yourself for your mistakes. All the witch burning on this thread is about revenge, and inflicting pain. It's MN at it's worst.

JaneGood · 18/08/2026 10:52

ProudCat · 18/08/2026 10:44

Actually, I'm going to say this even more clearly. She's childless, around the age of 40, on her way to a second divorce, and she's contacting the pregnant wife of her first ex-husband and commenting on the family. I'd advise you very strongly not to open lines of communication with this person. This won't end well. She's looking for something. There's a chance she won't stop until she finds it.

For all we know she cheated on her second husband. People act as if others are all good or bad. We know nothing about these people or their lives.

Venusunbroken · 18/08/2026 10:53

People on here are utterly obsessed with cheating, every single thread where a man leaves a woman he’s cheating, every single thread where a man treats a woman poorly, he’s cheating, every single thread where a man starts to lose interest, he’s cheating, every single thread where someone once cheated means they will cheat for ever more. Every single thread we hear the old adage, when a man marries his mistress,

it’s utterly bonkers, no one cheats and leaves a happy relationship. No one. They may cheat in a happy relationship, but they don’t leave it unless the person cheated on ends it, mostly they lie to stay in.

if someone leaves ifs generally as the relationship was not working. No one is entitled to their partner staying in their relationship even if married, if they are unhappy they should leave and this is fine. Of course they shouldn’t cheat before doing so and look for a soft landing, but exit affairs are not common

the op did a shitty thing, as did this woman’s husband, I also find it hugely distasteful fhe way she wrote this thread, like fucking her friends husband was a bit of fun, hurting her friend as she was doing so was irrelevant to her, but thay doesn’t mean either of them will continue to cheat or their relationship is doomed

this woman might just want closure, she was hurt terribly, her husband and her friend, and the op owes her , so she should have a call with her. It’s the Least she can do for the heinous pain she inflicted on someone she called friend.

Bringemout · 18/08/2026 10:53

ProudCat · 18/08/2026 10:44

Actually, I'm going to say this even more clearly. She's childless, around the age of 40, on her way to a second divorce, and she's contacting the pregnant wife of her first ex-husband and commenting on the family. I'd advise you very strongly not to open lines of communication with this person. This won't end well. She's looking for something. There's a chance she won't stop until she finds it.

Yup not healthy at all.

LeastOfMyWorries · 18/08/2026 10:54

I have no advice but I just wanted to say I think you are getting far too hard a time on here. I think some people would have you burned at the stake honestly!

In my younger years I was very black and white about right and wrong and its only as you get older you realise the world works in shades of grey. You did wrong, yes, but goodness me it was over a decade ago, and clearly wasn't just a meaningless shag you are still together married and happy with a family.

Wish you all the best OP and while I hope you do speak to her I would have the same reservations as yourself with it being face to face.

WhyDontILearn · 18/08/2026 10:55

Wheresthebeach · 18/08/2026 10:52

Your children don't deserve your marriage to end. I think you need to return to therapy as it's not healthy to think you deserve misery. To move on,you also have to forgive yourself for your mistakes. All the witch burning on this thread is about revenge, and inflicting pain. It's MN at it's worst.

Agreed. Forgiving yourself whilst acknowledging what you've done wrong is very very difficult. And it's a struggle very few people would know someone is dealing with.

The black and white perception of people that posters have shown on this thread is wild.you can see who filled the viewing decks for executions in years gone by.

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