AIBU to feel weird about my ex wife asking me to donate sperm for a third baby?

[flexiaah]

Long one, sorry. Divorced about a year ago. We have two kids together

A 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. We do co-parenting but not in a strict "these are your days" way we're pretty flexible, whoever's turn it is with the kids, the other one still comes round or has them over if they're needed. It works for us

The divorce wasn't really about our marriage. It was her mum and sister. They had a huge amount of influence over her and it got to a point where I didn't feel good about it anymore, so I was the one who initiated the split. I didn't fight her on anything she got the house, I walked away with basically nothing, and she already had shares in my family's business from before anyway, so I didn't push on that either

Here's the thing that makes it complicated: she's still incredibly close to my family. She's round my parents' house all the time, comes to our family festivals and get togethers, my siblings take her on trips. My parents still treat her like their daughter in law. I get it, in a way we've known each other since we were 16, she's basically grown up as part of the family, there's a lot of shared history there. It doesn't upset me exactly, but it does make things feel unresolved, if that makes sense

So last week she asked me if I'd donate sperm so she can have a third baby. She said she's happy to sign away any parental rights, no custody claim, nothing basically just wants the biological material

I'll be honest, it stung more than I expected. It's not really about the paperwork or rights. It's that it made me feel like she sees me as just... a body that makes babies for her, rather than someone who'd have any actual connection to a child I helped create. Like I'm a means to an end

And now I can't stop wondering if this is actually about wanting a third kid, or if some part of her is hoping this brings us back together somehow. She was a good wife in a lot of ways and I did love her our issue was never really "us," it was her family and the fact that she never really stood up for our marriage against them.

I don't know what to do with any of this.

I too would suggest couples' counselling if you do consider it, so that you can explore things with someone independent.

I think that if you are co-parenting the others, you would have to co-parent the third.

Why are you overthinking it? You don't want to be with her so just say no.

She is absolutely taking the piss, tell her to get lost. You need to stand up to her and tell your family to cool their relationship.

I think you need to have a proper chat with her. Is she thinking conceive naturally or through a donor type situation?
it makes sense she’d like the children to all be from the same stock she clearly loves them and probably loves you too if it was family that got in the way of it.

Id go out in a limb and invite her to lunch or dinner where you can go over what this means. The emotional cost to you because it’s not just about donating and if you actually want to parent. She’s maybe hoping you will but without talking how would either of you know?

I split from my partner and dad of my kid when our child was 2. I stayed very close to his family. We decided to have another baby together platonically, about a year after the split. We co-parent both children together and it works really well. He has had another partner for three years and we all get on and sometimes visit his family together all three of us with the kids (and I still visit alone as well). Just sharing my experience of an example of this kind of situation working. But obviously it wouldn’t work unless you were co-parenting ALL of your children - beyond awful that she’s suggesting you would only parent your first two and ignore your third, what is she on about?!

But you got rid of her? If it was her way ye would still be together! I actually disagree with some of the posters, she may not be trying to get back with you but if ye are kind of like an unusual family now, maybe she thinks ye can both make it work with a new child, do not as a sperm partner, but as a part time parent or something?

Is she insane?? She wants to have a third baby with the same father as the older two, but would be perfectly happy if you wanted nothing to do with that third child? How incredibly selfish.

Children are not pets or commodities

She already has two and doesn’t need a third.

Just say no.

Children are not pets or commodities

Absolutely. I was struggling to find the words to say this. They aren't collectibles. She should quit while she is ahead.

She said she's happy to sign away any parental rights, no custody claim, nothing basically just wants the biological material

And she cannot "sign away" the father's rights and obligations. If this is real OP owes exactly the same obligations to this child as he owes to the other 2 and this child has exactly the same claims on him as the other 2.

Surely if she wanted you back she would just say?? She is bold enough to ask for your 'genetic material' she doesn't seem shy. But I think it is odd

She always wanted 3rd one.....if she wants we do co parenting, not as an Sperm donor

She is good mom to our kid's, it's never been an issue,we are doing good as coparenting

Look i have little information, in what sense she asked me....i will update, called her for launch today

In the words of Jimmy Carr "don't stick your dick in 'crazy'."

I don't know what to do with any of this.

It's glaringly obvious to me. Just say no.

Apart from anything else, has anybody thought about the poor child? However well you think you coparent, it'll still have separated parents from the get-go, which is far from ideal.

It feels like everyone's boundaries are blurred. Hers, certainly. Your family's. And you feeling hurt that she sees you as donor material is masking the real issue: babies are not commodities. You have two. Don't create a third one to meet some unfulfilled desire of your ex.

Does she want to have sex with you again or for you to w*nk off and just give her some juice to inseminate herself with? Either way it's so weird & unnatural. Don't do it however much it may turn you on!!!

She didn't respect you or put you first in your marriage and she isn't now, this is quite hurtful really to want to use you like this. She sounds incredibly selfish.

Just NOOOOOO!

She's incredibly selfish, thinking about herself and her needs with no thought for the welfare and wellbeing of the 3rd child.
No thought for the 2 children you have together and how they will react or the effect your messed up relationship will have on them.
No thought for your feelings, someone she has had an intimate relationship with, only to now see you as a sperm donor.
Time for clear boundaries something your ex seems to be sadly lacking in. Your family are not helping either having a close relationship with her.

You can't do it. It wont bode well for anyone involved .

Imagine how that baby will feel when he or she is older and his or her blood siblings have the same father and a relationship with and you have to agreed to ignore that child and treat them so much differently to your other children. It will tear you and the unborn child into pieces eventually .

Unlike others I think she can't build a life of her own away from you and your family, and this is a way still to ' belong' by producing another grandchild for your parents a bother or sister for your own children , and another niece or nephew for your siblings. In fact they might not wish to disown the child, and you risk being painted as disowning that child. .
Your ex wife has made a totally inappropriate and ill considered request.

I suspect shes offering no pressure on you thinking that will make you more inclined to agree opposed to anything else.

But honestly, I think it would be wild to have 3 full siblings and only be dad to 2.

Id only agree if you want to coparent this 3rd one.

Also if its made you realise you still love her maybe do something about It

What I don't understand is why she feels entitled to have another child as if she could just go and pick one from a supermarket shelf.

Babies aren't commodities or boxes to tick.

Please just say no

it’s a potential minefield

Of course No you already have 2 children, you are divorced why would you consider being a sperm donor, it would be totally unfair to the child.

Ye sound incredibly immature!
Both families living a lie, so weird kids must be so confused.