AIBU to feel weird about my ex wife asking me to donate sperm for a third baby?

[flexiaah]

Long one, sorry. Divorced about a year ago. We have two kids together

A 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. We do co-parenting but not in a strict "these are your days" way we're pretty flexible, whoever's turn it is with the kids, the other one still comes round or has them over if they're needed. It works for us

The divorce wasn't really about our marriage. It was her mum and sister. They had a huge amount of influence over her and it got to a point where I didn't feel good about it anymore, so I was the one who initiated the split. I didn't fight her on anything she got the house, I walked away with basically nothing, and she already had shares in my family's business from before anyway, so I didn't push on that either

Here's the thing that makes it complicated: she's still incredibly close to my family. She's round my parents' house all the time, comes to our family festivals and get togethers, my siblings take her on trips. My parents still treat her like their daughter in law. I get it, in a way we've known each other since we were 16, she's basically grown up as part of the family, there's a lot of shared history there. It doesn't upset me exactly, but it does make things feel unresolved, if that makes sense

So last week she asked me if I'd donate sperm so she can have a third baby. She said she's happy to sign away any parental rights, no custody claim, nothing basically just wants the biological material

I'll be honest, it stung more than I expected. It's not really about the paperwork or rights. It's that it made me feel like she sees me as just... a body that makes babies for her, rather than someone who'd have any actual connection to a child I helped create. Like I'm a means to an end

And now I can't stop wondering if this is actually about wanting a third kid, or if some part of her is hoping this brings us back together somehow. She was a good wife in a lot of ways and I did love her our issue was never really "us," it was her family and the fact that she never really stood up for our marriage against them.

I don't know what to do with any of this.

I don’t see how that could work, the three children would be biologically full siblings but one of them wouldn’t have a dad.

Do you want a third child?

If not then there's your answer.

And yes, it's weird.

You laugh.

And then you say, 'We're not having a third baby, Betty. We are divorced'.

And then you dismiss the subject entirely. She's a loony.

this sounds like an AI post - why would people do these crazy things
like the one the other day with the woman who’s husband was her boss!

She sounds incredibly indulged. Imagine actually asking you to do that? Picture yourself saying no.

I don’t mean to sound all scary Feminist (this offer lasts five minutes) but isn't that how millions of husbands basically see their wives?
If not the husbands, then very often his family! (What else was the 1981 Royal Wedding about?)

OK, being sensible now. I’ve either read or watched this very conundrum at least once before, and I bet this isn’t a totally uncommon request between divorced people with kids.
Did your ex-wife go into any practical details? That is to say, coitus or the turkey baster?
If she did, it might hint at her attitude to some imagined reconciliation. As would your own reaction of course: which method appals you most?

You know her best. To me the proposal smacks a bit of a completist’s fervour, not a million miles away from decking out a toddler entirely in Burberry, including his iPad cover.
Since Child III would soon be understood by his/ her siblings to have been sired by their Dad but not when he was being Mum’s husband, they might be just as boggled as they'd be at the child of her new boyfriend.

Do you think ensuring that there’ll be an unmessy inheritance from your family might be the driving force here?
She wants a child, but knows there’s little chance your family would regard it as anything much to do with them. So the older kids might be lavishly supplied in a will but Child III would be overlooked.

I’d not do this, in your shoes. Loads of reasons but in a nutshell, if you arent together, you arent creating the infant together but as an adjunct to a project in which youd not be further involved. It’s almost commercial, or maybe industrial!
What if the child is born with serious health issues? Would you still be out of its life, as specified in her request?
Anything at all might occur to change everyone’s circs, and the biological father could be drawn in/excluded, causing additional unhappiness.

I think it would be very unfair on your shared children. Too ambiguous.
An adopted sibling would be far less anomalous, more easily ‘understood’ within the family, for example.

Anyway. Im certainly no expert, and shall follow this thread with great interest. Best of luck to you!

No

I love mumsnet, sorry I've not got anything to add, I wish you well, but fuck me my life is dull

I genuinely hope you work it out

Christ - you would be the biggest mug ever if you agreed to this.

So she’d be happy seeing her 2 kids go off and see their dad but not the 3rd?

She’s going to lie to the kid and say what, that the dad didn’t want anything to do with her, that she chose some random sperm and has no clue who her dad is?

She sounds incredibly selfish and this request would show me that I’d dodged a massive bullet

Look up the legalities regarding private sperm donation.

This would be awful, she's only thinking about herself and not how a 3rd child would feel.

It would be absolutely insane and cruel to do this given you coparent two children together, can you imagine the emotional damage that would cause to the third child.

For the child sake, if not your own, surely it's a no?
You're hurt by it, quite rightly. The children will be confused. It's not like donating to someone who is not connected to you but this is messy. Far too messy.

Don't agree to this. The capacity for problems further down the line is high, especially if her family, or even yours, get involved.

Why would she? She gained everything possible from him, still gets the perks from His family and potentially from the business and now wants a third, which she will inevitably get.

No to the sperm and talk to your family about boundaries. It's just going to get awkward when you introduce a new partner into the mix. This is not healthy. Maybe actually divorce so it's clear to everyone. Maybe they think this is just a blip?

Absolutely never do this.

You were only ever a sperm donor to her.

Why would you allow a child to be deliberately born having no father? The child will get into trouble with the police, take drugs etc all because nobody wanted him/her.

And here’s the other thing: you will be financially liable for that child until it’s 18 years old and possibly longer. At some point the child will find out you are the dad and will hate you for abandoning him/her. They will cause problems with their siblings who were happy in inheriting your wealth 50/50.

I also, think this whole dynamic of your ex attending your family events as demanding, unreasonable etc. That is YOUR family, and your EX has her own family she can organise events.

what happens when you or your ex has a new partner. Will she then turn up to your family events with her new lover rubbing your face in it? How do you think a new partner of yours will feel when you go to your own family do’s and your ex turns up making some snidey catty remark about your new partner?

if you meet someone new you might want to have a child or children with them. You don’t want to say to them you can’t afford it as you had a child after a separation you didn’t want - it sounds such a mess and makes you sound stupid/stitched up.

No. No.No.No.No.

She is nuts and two children in this mess is already more than enough.

it sounds like your lives are really intertwined. I feel sorry for you, you have divorced but there’s no structure or boundaries to move on with your lives? Do you want to get back together?

So you'd be not paying for one out of the three-and he/she would know they were just a donation as opposed to the others?
A lot of people on here hate surrogacy/egg/sperm donation full stop, and while I wouldn't go that far, because not everyone is a fertile heterosexual married person, I wouldn't think it's a good idea for you to do this.

Tell her to get lost. How incredibly selfish. She is without a thought for how you might feel.

Don't do it!

Absolutely it is ok to say no to this. I find it deeply disturbing that she would ask. You are no longer partners. Signing away the parental link would be deliberately bringing a new child into the world who would already be missing a father from the moment of conception. Just no.

I tell you one thing, if you didn’t get on with her family whilst married and divorced, magnify that by a billion times if you have a “surrogate” baby with your Ex.

They will properly hate you then, warfare on speed dial.

sounds like a way to extort even more cash from you. Leaving your wife you dodged a bullet. Now don’t ask for a complete battalion to give you a hale of bullets for the rest of your life.

Cricky runOP, fast, don’t look back and start by restricting some of the things she’s involved with, how is a new partner of yours going to find this setup (mess). How do you see Christmas’s with your parents and a new partner?