AIBU to feel weird about my ex wife asking me to donate sperm for a third baby?

[flexiaah]

Long one, sorry. Divorced about a year ago. We have two kids together

A 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. We do co-parenting but not in a strict "these are your days" way we're pretty flexible, whoever's turn it is with the kids, the other one still comes round or has them over if they're needed. It works for us

The divorce wasn't really about our marriage. It was her mum and sister. They had a huge amount of influence over her and it got to a point where I didn't feel good about it anymore, so I was the one who initiated the split. I didn't fight her on anything she got the house, I walked away with basically nothing, and she already had shares in my family's business from before anyway, so I didn't push on that either

Here's the thing that makes it complicated: she's still incredibly close to my family. She's round my parents' house all the time, comes to our family festivals and get togethers, my siblings take her on trips. My parents still treat her like their daughter in law. I get it, in a way we've known each other since we were 16, she's basically grown up as part of the family, there's a lot of shared history there. It doesn't upset me exactly, but it does make things feel unresolved, if that makes sense

So last week she asked me if I'd donate sperm so she can have a third baby. She said she's happy to sign away any parental rights, no custody claim, nothing basically just wants the biological material

I'll be honest, it stung more than I expected. It's not really about the paperwork or rights. It's that it made me feel like she sees me as just... a body that makes babies for her, rather than someone who'd have any actual connection to a child I helped create. Like I'm a means to an end

And now I can't stop wondering if this is actually about wanting a third kid, or if some part of her is hoping this brings us back together somehow. She was a good wife in a lot of ways and I did love her our issue was never really "us," it was her family and the fact that she never really stood up for our marriage against them.

I don't know what to do with any of this.

Its time to say no to this bloody nonsense. She has a nerve asking. Neither of you needs a third child with all this going on.

What on earth would that do the children. A lesser sibling who is biologically the same but legally less. Awful situation.

dont don’t do it

That would be incredibly cruel to the child

Absolutely not.

How do you explain that to your third child in time? Ya, I pay for the other two but you were the "free" child I agreed with your mum.

Nobody, absolutely nobody is "entitled," for want of a better word, to have as many children they want.

It's far bigger than a case of I want, therefore I get.

Also, seperately, why on earth has nobody bought out her shares in the business or put some boundaries in place. Your entire family seem to have just ignored your divorce.

Why do your 2 follow up posts read as though they are written by a completely different person to your first one?

Sorry to raise this, but - are you sure you were ever anything else?

"she's still incredibly close to my family. She's round my parents' house all the time, comes to our family festivals and get togethers, my siblings take her on trips. My parents still treat her like their daughter in law. I get it, in a way we've known each other since we were 16, she's basically grown up as part of the family, there's a lot of shared history there."

She's got her family, she's got your family - what have you got?

You know LinkedIn has a post ‘seems to be AI slop’ … is there such a feature on Mumsnet? Asking for an imaginary OP.

God, this sounds stressful. I think she is being really unfair to suggest /ask this. Her motives are unclear to say the least. Why does she need another child? Who will pay for this one- presumably you pay maintenance for your current children? What's she telling your family??
Refuse obvs..

She hasn't got over the split. This is her way of trying to get back or connect even further.
Personally I think this is a bad idea.. Sorry you are going through this.

I'd suggest going to couple's counselling and seeing if you could get back together. The two of you obviously have a lot to offer one another, and it's not beyond the bounds of possibility that you could resolve your differences.

If that doesn't work however I'd be saying a big no to the baby. You would be creating all sorts of problems for yourselves and your children if you went ahead.

I’m guessing AI helped him draft the opening post. English might not be his first language.

Hard no. It would be terrible for the child to be treated differently by its own father. Do you even want a third child?

On no account do this. It’s insane. You’re not together anymore. What if she gets together with a new boyfriend, he moves in and is parenting your baby? She won’t want to share custody of the baby in the early days. What if she gets a new boyfriend and he’s dodgy (or worse?)

No, no and no.

Frankly the fact she even asked you to do this would have me running for the hills.

This is horrible. How will she explain to a new baby why their biological father doesn't want to see them and wants to see only the first two? How would that work? Would she lie to the baby about who their father is?

And when the baby gets older/grows up, they might want to connect with you. First question they would ask you would be, "why did you cut me out of your life and only saw and had a relationship with my two older siblings?"

It really won't work out well for the child, will it? It will destroy them having no relationship with the father they share with their siblings.

And then what will it do to your older children who will eventually learn that the youngest is yours, too, you just wiped them from your life and refused to see them?

FFS man nobody needs this mess. It has disaster written all over it.

This sounds very bizarre. I would only see this as a viable option if she was with a woman or a man who was infertile. If she wants a third child, she should wait until she meets someone new.

Bonkers. You also can't sign away your parental rights responsibilities. Can I ask (and don't take this the wrong way) if you are both of Indian heritage? I suspect you are and it would make sense of the whole family situation.

She's close to your family which is a good thing. Would you want another child?

Of course you can't do that, think of the muddle, and anyway you can't 'sign away parental rights' in the UK, you have to support your children. She chose her family over your marriage, the relationship is over.

That’s just so wrong . And completely and utterly selfish .

OP, do you think she would have asked you this if you were seeing someone else? I highly doubt it.

This whole situation is total madness and makes very little sense.

Absolutely not!

Why on earth does she feel entitled to a third child? She has two already.

Are you sure that it is not your family, rather than hers that is the issue? Or even, ermm you?

More than that though, how do you explain you co-parent two full siblings but not the third? There are two existing children and a potential child at the end of this who need clarity around family boundaries, care and love. This weird set up would not be it.

Honestly, this is more about her than the kids, and I think if you decide to do it you really should figure out who really benefits from this. Is it you? The baby? The existing children?

What do your family say?

No I do not think this is a good idea.

i also think you moving on and meeting someone else is going to be incredibly difficult. I am not sure a new partner will tolerate your ex rocking up to family events.

Well it’s not cool to say your ex is crazy. Red flags and all that. But if you ever meet anyone new you have my permission to say your ex is crazy. Maybe you are too to even think this is a conundrum.