AIBU to feel weird about my ex wife asking me to donate sperm for a third baby?

[flexiaah]

Long one, sorry. Divorced about a year ago. We have two kids together

A 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. We do co-parenting but not in a strict "these are your days" way we're pretty flexible, whoever's turn it is with the kids, the other one still comes round or has them over if they're needed. It works for us

The divorce wasn't really about our marriage. It was her mum and sister. They had a huge amount of influence over her and it got to a point where I didn't feel good about it anymore, so I was the one who initiated the split. I didn't fight her on anything she got the house, I walked away with basically nothing, and she already had shares in my family's business from before anyway, so I didn't push on that either

Here's the thing that makes it complicated: she's still incredibly close to my family. She's round my parents' house all the time, comes to our family festivals and get togethers, my siblings take her on trips. My parents still treat her like their daughter in law. I get it, in a way we've known each other since we were 16, she's basically grown up as part of the family, there's a lot of shared history there. It doesn't upset me exactly, but it does make things feel unresolved, if that makes sense

So last week she asked me if I'd donate sperm so she can have a third baby. She said she's happy to sign away any parental rights, no custody claim, nothing basically just wants the biological material

I'll be honest, it stung more than I expected. It's not really about the paperwork or rights. It's that it made me feel like she sees me as just... a body that makes babies for her, rather than someone who'd have any actual connection to a child I helped create. Like I'm a means to an end

And now I can't stop wondering if this is actually about wanting a third kid, or if some part of her is hoping this brings us back together somehow. She was a good wife in a lot of ways and I did love her our issue was never really "us," it was her family and the fact that she never really stood up for our marriage against them.

I don't know what to do with any of this.

Considering she doesn’t even want to coparent the new child with you I’m struggling to see why you think she may want to get back together. Obviously this would be a horribly unfair thing to do to a new baby so please don’t do it.

I wouldn’t want to consent to that. She might say she won’t put any claims on you but who knows?

Of course she doesn't want to get back with you.

I'd be very wary of entering into an arrangement like this. You'd have to be daddy to the baby. How would you explain it to him/her otherwise, especially when the child is older?

God, what a situation.

On the one hand, I can almost see her reasoning. Having one father for all her kids is neater, plus she knows you, knows your history, knows you're decent etc.

On the other hand, it is absolutely bananas to think this is as clear cut as "you can sign away your rights and responsibilities". So, what? That's your child but you see and have a relationship with your other two and not the baby who's yours? I can't even imagine the emotional damage and confusion that would cause.

There's a lot unresolved here. It might be time to ask your family to ease off the closeness of this relationship for a while. The lines are way too blurred, especially if she's considering this.

Would you want to get back together with her? If she cut off her family, for example, would you get back together and have more children?

she doesn’t want you back she just wants all her children 100% biologically related.

Never has the phrase 'Go fuck yourself' been more apt.

Tell her to jog on.

I actually think she is hopeful it will bring you back together.. but yh clearly a disaster waiting to happen and will make it hugely complicated so definitely don't do it. Thanks but no thanks.

I want it only if her family get's away. Ik why wants my Sperms....but I'm confused

That’s not fair on the baby, who will grow up wondering who their Dad is / questioning why you’ve not been parenting them.

See, I think that just makes an already untenable situation that much messier.

It seems unlikely that her family will "get away." And ultimatums rarely end well in any case.

I think you need to firmly tell her no. And tell her that it's time to untangle your lives.

Thing is, she could pull back from her family and promise that she'll never speak/see them again...
Then once you're back together and baby 3 is due/here, you could be faced with her family again.
I wouldn't do it in your shoes.
You both already have 2 kids.
Cherish them.

Bonkers.

ohh yeah, cruel right?.....If she have asked in co parenting way, i might have think about it...... I'm just baby making body to her.....

So you’re going to have a parental relationship with your two existing kids but not with the third? Don’t be silly. The answer has to be no.

If you want to get back together, that’s a separate issue.

If this is real then no, do not have a 3rd child if you have no intention of being a present Father to them. That is a horrible way to treat a child. Imagine what it would be like for them- their siblings go and see Dad but they're not allowed to. They never get a birthday present from their Dad but their siblings do, if they were with your family for the day what would you do? Leave the room if you saw them? Pretend your a stranger?

She doesn’t want to get back with you. Having one baby daddy is considered more respectable than two or more by some people.

I can’t imagine how that would work. The third child would see you pick up the older kids and wonder why you didn’t love them too. Could you really only buy gifts for two out of three?

If I was going to donate sperm then it would be for a less complicated situation like having friends who were lesbians or a sibling with fertility issues.

There’s no way to enforce an agreement to stay away from her family. She could agree to get your sperm then once pregnant, do as she wishes.

She might have suggested that as she assumed you’d prefer not to be involved. If you want to co-parent another child with her then you’ll have to tell her that.

I don’t necessarily agree that she just sees you as a baby making body. She obviously likes you as a person or she wouldn’t want your genetics for her child, she could get any old sperm donor from a sperm bank if she wanted.

How would that child feel when they’re old enough to understand their siblings are off to see their dad, which is also their dad but has no role in bringing them up? They’d think their dad doesn’t love them.
Sounds like a bad idea tbh and given how close she is to your family they would also want to play a role in the child’s life. It has messy written all over it!!

She is an extremely manipulative individual. It’s a huge NO to the baby … and to her game-playing.
You must start putting some distance between you.

What the hell would you say to your kids?! All three of them!

Oh well I was happy with you two but you? I just signed you over to your mother because she wanted to and wasn't happy with the responsibility.

Centre the children.

Your family need to ease off having ex-wife here there and everywhere. How are you expected to move onto another relationship with her at every family gathering?

Yeah, the suggestion that you be a sperm donor is really madness and demonstrates how blurred the boundaries are between you, your family and your ex. No - the fact that your ex even had the temerity to voice the idea indicates how far from separate/divorced she sees you and your genetic material...

This is going to need to be handled sensitively.

My goodness, hard no to all of this.

It's all a bit 'Take a Break' isn't it and anyway ... hmmm.

She sounds quite crazy & unhinged.