To tell DS it's up to him now.

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Ds just finished school, A-level results disappointing to say the least. He managed to get himself a really good apprenticeship place which he's now lost because he missed a required grade by 2 marks. (Paper has been sent for review, but not holding out much hope that the grade will change). The plan now is for him to find himself another apprenticeship place, though it will have to be at a lower level.

But after DS was rude to me yesterday, I've decided that now is the time for me to step back and stop doing so much for him. I found him the original apprenticeship, because he was told to look but didn't bother. I helped him with the psychometric testing, the video interviews. Put loads of effort into trying to get him to revise when school told us he was probably going to fail. The moment he was left to his own devices he watched videos on you tube and insisted that was enough revision. You get the idea. He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going.

All of this makes DH very stressed. His way of dealing with this is to tell me a list of things DS needs to be doing. I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked, I've put my own life on hold for months, and I'm exhausted.

Ds has spent the day in his room allegedly applying for an apprenticeship. I have said, if you want help, you know where I am and left it at that. DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc. he hasn't actually gone to Ds and said let me help, he's just dumped his stress on me but I have not budged. I know DH wants me to take over and just write the application. It is obviously driving him up that wall that I have said it is up to DS now.

Aibu?

Look, if you don’t work for something then you don’t appreciate the value of it. You’ve done him no favours. If he had been left to graft for the apprenticeship then he may have valued it more and worked harder to keep it.
Giving him the autonomy to shape his future is long overdue and you should absolutely step back.

Your son is probably feeling very worried and upset that he didn’t get what he needed and his plans fell through. He needs support from you and your husband, not anything to further make him feel like a failure.

He also needs the freedom to apply for things on his own. If he wants help give it but likely if he came to you guys he would be told he hadn’t done enough and be made to feel worse.

he needs a confidence boost

Options with the driving are: leave it for now, he's failed three times in a very short time period, perhaps having a break, coming back and doing more lessons might help, or get a few automatic lessons and try for an automatic license. It's not surprising your son doesn't ask to go out in the car, he's crap at it and he knows it! If you want his motivation to go up intrinsically, leave it, perhaps he's not that fussed about learning to drive right now, especially as he may have dyspraxia/dyslexia or other ND that mean it's going to be harder for him.

You've done a great job with him, he's applied for an apprenticeship today, that's not nothing!

The trouble is that parents now feel they have to act like kids are toddlers in their teens, and we know how tough the world is compared to 20 years ago, so we do feel we have to keep bearing the mental load. Not criticising you at all-I think a lot of us are like this-I just worry that every other parent is either doing everything so I'm letting mine down.
Wouldn't go on about the driving test-lots of people who practise lots fail because they're stressed, and it sounds like he is.

This is what she would like to know too.

He sounds like he has inattentive ADHD. Start the diagnosis process - maybe do a few questionnaires.

Then look at what is vital and what isn’t. Work, yes. Driving; can it wait?

agree with your DH how you will both support DS, and what that looks like in practice. Who is doing what? What does DS need to take ownership of?

tell DS.

look on forums etc to see what parents of ADHD school leavers are doing as normal support levels

You might for instance implement daily and weekly checklists and on the weekly one is driving, and encourage him to keep checking the checklist until it becomes habit - which can take 2-3 months of consistency.

Give him responsibility and PRAISE him. Or rather; make DH praise him. DH wailing and having a meltdown at DS submitting his application is not going to do wonders for the lads confidence.

Your DH needs to stop. And take a chill pill . Literally. I felt stressed and panic just reading your post. His input is not helpful in any way and has probably hindered the whole situation.

I feel so sorry for your DS "A level results disappointing to say the least.."
He's two marks off getting the grade for his apprenticeship. Instead of berating him, catastrophizing, stress farting etc at him in such a resentful way..everyone needs to calm down. Stop a moment and think. If you are exhausted by it, how do you think your son feels?

Two marks off!!!
Why aren't you contacting the careers person at his school and the applications office at his apprenticship /college putting forward if you can, his positive points. ask if they have any advice.
There are many people who apply and either don't get it or take a different offer... so there is always some wiggle room. I know loads of kids who have got through in this way.. That's what Clearing is for, but I''ve also succcessfully rung an admissions officer when my DS was just one grade short.

"I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked." So none of this is even about your son but all about placating your hyped up DH. Why?

The poor lad has just missed his course place by only 2 marks,
he's stuck up in his room listening to the two you of creating and catastrophizing about how he's messed up
When he does send off an application on his own, to address the babying accusations, your DH flips his lid and "bets" DS has made loads of mistakes.

Sorry OP but that sounds abusive. DH bets, but he doesn't know. Did he even read it? No wonder your Son was literally scared to show it to either of you.
That sounds confidence sapping to me and there's zero motivation to work when you live with constant criticism.

The best thing you can do is help (without criticising) your DS with contacting the applications officer. And get your son to have an appointment with whoever advises him at school. As your DH has proven so utterly useless and unhelpful to the situation, I would keep it between you and your son until he gets a solution he is happy with.

I do sympathise with your exhaustion, but I tnink it is your DH that is causing it rather than your DS.
Your DS is at a pivotal point in his life. He's moved out of the school stage and is in the preparing to fly the nest stage and you will miss him when that happens. So you won't have the opportunity to support him in this way for much longer.

A change of approach is needed. He's becoming an adult. Instead of asking why he hasn't done this or that... try asking how he feels about things, really talk and really listen.
What he needs now is positive support and encouragement, the carrot and not the stick, because the world of work is bloody hard at the moment and you need to be telling him that yes he can do it, not blaming the past.

He's already trying to do his own applications, so encourage him. He needs to know that you can ask you to look over something without a huge outcry. You wouldn't do that to a colleague at work would you?

Don't allow DH to hit the roof every time there is a set back. That is going to have a very negative effect on your son. The A levels are a hurdle and he can find a different route or a way around it as long as he has the encouragement to keep looking. And he may have to apply for endless jobs at the moment and get endless rejections... it's a fact of life... but as parents you have to accept that and encourage him that it's worth it to keep applying because he has the ability and will get there eventually.

I think he is just immature beyond his years. You cannot make someone study. Or even think.
But not doing things for them and having an expectation they will and can do it themselves is a good start.
If you always step in and oversee, they will forever be depending on you to continue to do that. From thinking, to doing.

Just to add one comment to the driving issue, I absolutely hated both learning and practising with my parents. It was my Dad 99% of the time and although we loved each other to bits, him teaching me to drive was extremely stressful and definitely not our finest hour.

If my Dad had said to me that I was to come and ask him when I wanted to go out driving I would never have asked. I would have relied on my weekly professional driving instructor (which I did have, to build my confidence).

I agree with the person who has suggested outsourcing that even though you followed the advice of an instructor to cease lessons and practise with him yourself. Say to DS that you are willing to pay for a given number of lessons to see what happens. If he still can't pass the test then take the pressure off and leave it for a while. It sounds like it needs to be DS's own decision.

With regard to the job applications, he did one and submitted it, then found that his parents, particularly your DH, still weren't satisfied. He might just feel that he can't do right for doing wrong now. I know I would. Praise DS, then see how it goes. That was surely the obvious response. Perhaps with all of these stress reactions going on around him DS has decided he doesn't want either of you involved at the moment and that seems fair enough to me provided that he is still actively searching for work.

I remember when one of my own DDs was in a similar position to your DS. My DH simply couldn't understand why she couldn't simply walk into a job and he got very arsey about it, which upset her a lot and made for a very tense household.

In the end I had to very firmly tell my DH to wind his neck in because he wasn't helping and I wasn't prepared to live like that in our home. Yes, he did sulk a bit, but soon after he butted out DD applied for and got her first job.

Tell your DH to pack it in and take his tension elsewhere because he is stressing both you and DS. Then when he is elsewhere he can stress fart(🤣🤣🤣) to his heart's content.

As to an impatient and intolerant DH. How is that behaviour going to help ?
He sounds immature too.
And I suspect he knows if he ranted on at his son as opposed to talked to him ( perhaps he realises he might not be able to do that), things would get worse. So he directs his ranting to you.
Tell him to stop that. It does not help anyone.

completely agree.

I had to take lessons to get practice rather than get DH to help me. He didn't know how to teach driving.

One of my DC had 3 different instructors.. Couldn't get on with the first two so only had a few lessons with them. The third was lovely and encouraging and he passed his test with her.

The instructor who said stop wasting your money... doesn't sound great frankly. A different instructor might help. Or even one of those one week courses. Also because he's finished his exams now.

What makes you think I haven't contacted all the relevant people?

Why are you assuming I didn't do any of this?
First thing on results day I helped ds organise a priority mark review, helped him contact the employer to let them know the situation and ask for his options, got him to talk to the staff at school.

I'm not an idiot.

Irrespective of that, he’s capable of managing people at work and earning an enviable amount. So he’s intelligent enough to know that he’s modelling behaviour that is unhelpful for his son and will not enable him to be the resourceful person that presumably he would like his son to be.

I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety

No you are babying and tiptoeing around your DH and everyone else has to suffer.

Poor DS, I can’t imagine how he’s as normal as he is with a father like that.

Do you not work?
Why is it all about what DH wants?
DH doesn’t sound like he does much parenting at all.

You cannot go from babying DS to giving him no support.
By all means teach how to be more independent but you and DH both still need to support him.

I'm wondering about ADHD, because his handwriting is atrocious and he had to use a computer for his exams. There was also an issue when he was much younger with a delay crossing the midline (he's ambidextrous and just used to swap the pen from hand to hand to write on opposite sides of the page).

Secondary school never said anything, though.

I wouldn't be proud and celebrate these grades,but at least he's making an effort

OP, I don't think you need to get defensive, IMO you have been doing too much for your son, and too much emotional management of your husband. I'm not surprised you feel burned out between the two of them. Your husband is pressuring you to 'sort out' your son, you are trying to please your husband, and you need to tell him to be quiet, you have helped him and to back off.

You are exhausted running around after these two men. Trying to make their lives better at the expense of your own. The one that needs the help and support and calm living atmosphere is your 17/18 year old son. Emotionally support him with what's happened, over time helping him become a little more independent. Your husband can look after himself and stop using you as a stress ball.

He sounds young for his age. I have two sons. At 18 they were very immature and I did a lot of "directing". At uni they grew up unrecognisably between 18 and 21 and are both fully functioning adults now.

A part time job in Morrisons was the making of one of them. He used it in multiple job applications.

DH has blown his top at ds once in 18 years. Today was the first time. He offloads his stress about the children onto me, it's true. I accept that. He wants them to do well and progress into adult life normally. Our eldest child is disabled and may never be fully independent. He's allowed to feel the pressure of that.

Re failing driving test. I understand passing can be very difficult now. I know a very clever, sensible woman who has spent over £6000 on lessons and studied the theory very carefully and has failed twice. She has now given up. Did son have professional lessons?

Yes, loads of lessons, 2 different instructors. It's very difficult at the moment because there's often a very long wait between tests, so it drags on and on.

I had a feeling this was about your DH trying to make your son 'normal'; and you have to be the one to get this achieved. You've done so much for your son, the driving lessons, the apprenticeship, but now is the time to let him find his own level, let him mature in his own time, and also to achieve things at his own pace, he applied for an apprenticeship today and whilst it may not have been the one you and his dad chose for him, it might be he'll do much better at that level and then work up, he sounds out of his depth and very aware he's not as accomplished as you need him to be.

Everyone is on edge now, it's hot, it's been a stressful week, just find a way to calm it all down and give your son praise for keeping going even though he must be stressed. You and your husband's relationship isn't his problem.

No need to pressure about that now, think about an automatic if the time comes again or wait til he wants to do it for an external goal, not just to prove he's 'normal', One of my children is severely dyslexic and can't tell left from right, her driving is not happening, it's ok, she's 'normal' in her own way as are we all in life!

But you yourself have said you’re having to manage DH’s anxiety, in order to do so you’ve had to put your own life on hold for months, you’re exhausted and you can’t do it anymore. That’s a real problem OP and now you’re making excuses for DH’s behaviour, which IMO is controlling

Sounds like you have two DS and no DH TBH! Can’t you tell DH to be more proactive in helping his DS rather than loading all the stress onto you?