To think him sending me 1k every month isn’t a solution to making this fair?

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Ex is a consultant in the nhs. He earns around 110k. Probably will earn more in future.

He is supposed to send 950 a month based on his salary (thereabouts) but he sends 1,200. He chose a job literally hours away from us after we broke up when dd was 1.

He sees dd once every couple of weeks, sometimes more if he pays for a hotel and stays nearby for some extra days. He’s good with dd when with her but obviously doesn’t do A THING in relation to DD’s care.

I also have a full time job. I work in a competitive industry and I’m struggling so much trying to keep up with everything. I’ve told him that choosing a job so far away and just throwing extra money over isn’t a solution. He point blank refuses to look for another job.

I know I can’t make him do that or make him be in Dd’s life in a fuller way. I also know I can use the money for extra childcare etc. I do know this. But the reality is it doesn’t help much as I’m still doing school runs and bedtimes and taking her to parties etc. The burden of it all on me feels so immense and I often just cry at the end of an evening.

AIBU to feel money doesn’t make up for this in the way he thinks it does? He feels that i ‘get more’ so should shut up and be happy. I am so unhappy and frustrated.

This.

It’s more like 20% of his net income.

It sounds to me, based on your posts on this thread, you both reached an impasse - he moved for his job and your stayed for your job.
Neither of you could/would compromise- I presume it would have had a significant impact on the career of whoever didn’t “get their way”. Perhaps the relationship would have survived this, likely not.

This is what single parenting is. He is paying more than is required as judged by the system. He can’t really do school runs, parties, extracurriculars if he is not local to you.

Once you take into account tax, etc, it’s more like 20% of his income.

You can't change what he does or doesn't do but you can change how you view it. He's not being a good dad and you can tell him it's all on you and that's exhausting but he probably won't listen.

Is it worth having a chat with GP about how you feel? You might be a bit depressed.

When DD is older will she be able to go and stay with him?

You are not unreasonable to want him to do 50% of everything but I think you are aspiring to something that just won’t happen. You are in a better position than a lot of single mums who don’t get any money. I would focus on trying to use that to get some help with school pick up and other things that would help you have a bit more time to yourself. It’s not ideal I know but I don’t think you are going to get things as you want them.

Consultants who work for the nhs are contracted to a specific NHS trust or integrated board care. So they cannot move unless they apply for another post in a different trust, etc. They cannot work at more than one trust or IBC

Actually, it’s not all that different. I am one. A lot depends on your specialty and where you are in the country- in some specialties and/or areas there are more vacancies than others. Some areas will attract a lot more applicants per post than others. Often when it comes to first consultant post, there aren’t always options in your preferred location at the point of receiving your CCT. It’s not that unusual for people to have to relocate some distance for their first consultant post.

@bananaobama It is nearer 20% of take home pay. You didn’t factor in tax, NI or pension deductions. It is like a second wage coming in with no tax to pay on it. If op doesn’t want to move, dad will struggle. He possibly feels he’s paying over the assessed amount because he doesn’t see dd that much. The op does need to pay for help with dd or in the house.

Your title says 1k but he's actually sending you £1,200. Not a good start.

Have you tried asking him for more money? Although he is already sending you £250 more than he has to.

You can easily get cleaning, gardening and several other things done for you with £500 per month, nevermind £1,200.

Given you say you've got a decent job then all I can think of saying is:

Entitled much?

Not after tax, and child is school age it seems so no nursery fees

He's her parent. Drop her off and walk away. What would he do? Have you arrested? For what? There are so many posts like this. Why the fuck does this all still fall on the mother? You are both equally her parents. Tell him you'll have her 50% of the time. What would he do if you were suddenly incapacitated? It really shouldn't be possible for men to opt out like this. Its not about money. Useless twat. Call his bluff and move to where he lives without warning him, then present him with his responsibilities.

But he can make her do it? How is that even possible that the dad can literally make the mum look after the child but the mum can't make the dad do it? How have we allowed this? Its bullshit.

There's no way to force someone to parent if they dont want to? That's exactly whats happening to this woman. You mean there's no way to force a man to parent if they dont want to. Well there should be as this is stealing her life while he gets to live his. F that.

Your post made me think. Let’s say following a separation a dad wants to parent 50/50 but for whatever reason mum doesn’t want that. Maybe she has enough support, might want to move for career, maybe she enters a new relationship and dad”s continued presence is unwelcome. In those circumstances, would you say mum has ‘stolen’ dads parenting time?

It’s tough and he’s a shit dad but unfortunately this is what we potentially sign up for when we decide to stop taking contraceptives and get ourselves pregnant. No one can expect their partner or ex to always be there, dads leave, dads can die.
Only advice is to do your best and try to build a village, they get older and easier. Think of those people out there unable to have children who would love to be in your shoes and sounds like you’re sorted financially which is a huge plus! You can do this, don’t give him anymore head space, he doesn’t deserve it.

I would yes. That's the point. It should be equal and BOTH parents should be prepared to adjust the other parts of their lives to do it. When together, there may well be an unequal division as that decision was made together, with the one doing more parenting supporting the household differently to the one with the 'big job', but its a joint enterprise. Post separation, the only joint enterprise is the child. Throwing money at it is not parenting.

Given the lost/reduced income that comes with having to work restricted hours to fit childcare commitments, paying for every single child related or not related expense single handedly, without using public funds makes me think that only rich women could afford it.

Is that what you mean? Frankly, I would rather live in a world where ending up with a deadbeat dad is a relatively small risk to take than thinking that only well off women should have children…

No amount of paid help can reduce tje mental load of single parenting. It can reduce the logistical challenges but only up to a point. Sick days, for the child or childminder, all on you. Almost no-one can afford a personal PA who would take the strain of noticing, organising and attending to outgrown shoes, world book day costume, £1 for school whatever, being on the phone at the exact moment the booking line for swimming classes opens. Paid help cant assist with behavioural parenting challenges and deciding on a strategy, or which school to choose, or should you move, do you say yes to an expensive hobby that will stretch you but your child loves, is that spoiling them? And a million other things that only a parent can do.

We don't know what happened, but maybe she decided to leave for some reason (maybe she believed the mumsnet motto, that life will be easier being single. It's not.). It's not fair to insult him. If she was the one who decided to leave, she should have made appropriate arrangements.

She has. She's working full time and juggling everything. What 'appropriate arrangements ' should she be making to get the OTHER PARENT to actually parent? Again, this isn't just about money and logistics.

I'm shocked OP by the amount of posters who are telling you to count yourself lucky! 🙈 He has a child and he is equally responsible for looking after his child. Many people work but still have the responsibility of looking after their children 24/7. It isn't fair and he has opted out of parenting and raising his child and leaving it all up to you. I'd be upset too.

Is there an option for you and daughter to relocate nearer to him - and if so, would it actually change the day to day involvement and parenting ? It’s a big decision for anyone with a good career and income to make changes to that and remember, this stage of your DD’s life is not forever.
Am saying this as another option to explore, not to make any digs x

Ok so if he moved closer and took his child 50/50 - she'd get no maintenance. Then that would be a whole other thread

Unpleasant assumption there. OP works full time. If he did 50/50 she could go for promotions, longer hours, work trips. An RPs earning potential is massively impacted by childcare. If both parents shared the care, she wouldn't need maintenance.