To think him sending me 1k every month isn’t a solution to making this fair?

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Ex is a consultant in the nhs. He earns around 110k. Probably will earn more in future.

He is supposed to send 950 a month based on his salary (thereabouts) but he sends 1,200. He chose a job literally hours away from us after we broke up when dd was 1.

He sees dd once every couple of weeks, sometimes more if he pays for a hotel and stays nearby for some extra days. He’s good with dd when with her but obviously doesn’t do A THING in relation to DD’s care.

I also have a full time job. I work in a competitive industry and I’m struggling so much trying to keep up with everything. I’ve told him that choosing a job so far away and just throwing extra money over isn’t a solution. He point blank refuses to look for another job.

I know I can’t make him do that or make him be in Dd’s life in a fuller way. I also know I can use the money for extra childcare etc. I do know this. But the reality is it doesn’t help much as I’m still doing school runs and bedtimes and taking her to parties etc. The burden of it all on me feels so immense and I often just cry at the end of an evening.

AIBU to feel money doesn’t make up for this in the way he thinks it does? He feels that i ‘get more’ so should shut up and be happy. I am so unhappy and frustrated.

So she should move her job, child's school, any nearby support and connections she has so HE can continue his life uninterrupted? And he still wouldn't be doing 50/50 would he, or anything close. Right.

I don’t imagine she’d want 50/50. I wouldn’t have done.

No money doesn’t make it better however it is also tiring but that being said I wouldn’t want my child’s dad to be doing drop off and collections or taking her to parties that’s what I like to do and don’t find it a burden.

you just need to accept your reality and build with it.

he doesn’t want to change it so it won’t change

And then if a "better job" that ex just has to take comes up miles away, should op uproot her and her daughter again? Just keep following ex to try and get him to step up?

No. The point is a parent shouldn't be able to up and leave the area without considering how little they will involved with their childs day to day life if the childs other parent wants a more even split. Their child responsibilities should always be considered first.

I doubt he would have been much help with parenting if they were still together, so I’m not sure why the expectation is greater now they are apart?

And then if a "better job" that ex just has to take comes up miles away, should op uproot her and her daughter again?

You mean like she would if they were still together? Consultants tend to stay in their jobs, what do you think would be a better one? He’s top of the tree now.

No it's not arace to the bottom but maybe OP needs to know that compared to some parents her life isn't that bad and that she at least does have some choices which other don't

Because this is mumsnet where people
think if you split up
with a shit partner he will be forced to do 50/50

That's only whilst training, at Consultant level you can choose where you work

You’ve got to come to terms with the fact that this is/can be the reality of becoming a single parent.

At least you’re lucky in the fact he gives you £3k extra a year.

A lot of dad’s don’t see their kids at all and don’t pay anything or extremely little.

Baby/toddler years pass by like a flash, so try and make the most of it and try not to wish it away. It does get easier 💐

you feel its unfair & its Ok to feel what you feel & how you feel is valid

but, you aren’t in a relationship any longer, you can’t dictate that he finds another job.

if you want him to have more contact take it to court but it doesn’t mean he will do it given the reasons you give.

you need a support network around you, friends/family to talk to or maybe help. Practical solutions like an au pair or after school care using the money he sends.

Wow! I am still with the father of my DD but even I can appreciate what the OP is saying and empathise. She wants her Ex to care...is that not basic parenting? I can't imagine not wanting to be involved in my childs life.

"No. The point is a parent shouldn't be able to up and leave the area without considering how little they will involved with their childs day to day life if the childs other parent wants a more even split. Their child responsibilities should always be considered first."

This is true, and in a perfect world, this is how it would be, but there are many absent parents who don't treat their child as a priority, thats the reality - and if this father doesn't want to spend more time with his child, would it really help to force him to do so against his will? Would you want a child to spend time with someone who clearly would rather not be with them?

We can be cross that he doesn't want to be a proper equal parent, but talking about how wrong it is doesn't fix it.

OP, I'm afraid the only other thing I can see that you can do, to make life more enjoyable, would be to cut your hours, using the money from the childs father to make up the gap, so that you have time to pick up DC from school etc, without rushing all the time, and can try to enjoy their childhood, and make happy memories (with the satisfaction that the father will be a distant figure who isn't part of all that...). Better you accept that he's not going to be what you want, and enjoy the life you have with your child, than look back when they're grown up, and wish you'd been able to focus on your DC, and let it go.

Ask for more, get a cleaner, nanny or whatever would help you out day to day.

I know a man who has taken on the main carer role for his DD as his wife is a consultant surgeon. I’d be interested to see what people would say if they split up and the mother posted here saying her ex had left her, he has the DD as he was the primary carer, she sees her as much as possible (eow because of course the ex wants a weekend with DD too, not just school every day and never seeing her), so she sometimes manages to stay in a hotel nearby to see her DD for extra days mid-week. She sends her ex more than CMS would say is fair and saves for her DD for uni (thanks to the income she has trained for years to generate). She works long hours, misses her DD - but that can’t be helped thanks to the breakdown of the relationship and the distance due to where her job is. Now ex sends texts moaning that she doesn’t do school pick ups and drop offs.

We've all been there. The anger that he got away with zero responsibility is REAL. Also jelousy he has all this free time, easy life while you need to make sacrifices - Its real too.
It eats you up. Ruins beautiful moments. Makes you cry.

But with time you realise how lucky you are he is out of your life. And then when your daughter is older he suddenly reapears and wants to be daddy- be ready for that.

Men are fucked up and they are not worth our energy thinking about how selfish they are.

Its a fact, he has easy life. He has zero responsibilities. It hurts but thats what it is. The worst is to waste time thinking about his selfish a...

I would have. Absolutely. Love my kids but they were conceived as a joint project . I never signed up for a solo role. When ex fucked off I'd have happily done 50/50 but guess what...not interested, despite being a genuinely good, involved, hands on dad up to that point. They couldnt compare to the appeal of ow who lived 100 miles away so off he went.

Because maybe when they were together the op didn't have to work ft, so it was a workable thing. Now she has to run a household alone so she's working ft AND juggling the childcare.

£950 a month? Is that it?

what does your childcare cost?

how is this allowed to happen?

He’s an ex - there is nothing you can do to make him take on more parenting responsibilities.

Try not to be frustrated, but look at what you can do to make your life easier. Other posters have suggested a nanny or au pair to at least take the pressure off some of the school runs etc. Could you move nearer to family support? Buy in whatever help you can afford eg cleaner, gardener.

Dont listen to posters telling you to be grateful for the money. It’s not a race to the bottom and no amount of cash takes away that you’re the only one doing night wakings or taking time off work for sickness. It does get better.

One day, when your daughter is older, she will understand the choices he made to not be there more for her and she will decide how much he is in her life. You can't change him or his choices. You can be the best mother you can be right now in the circumstances you find yourself in.

I dont think he's paying all that much, compared with his salary

I'm reality, you can't make him step up and do more, but i think it's shitty that women so often end up sacrificing their career and doing all the hard work

I hope that, in a generation or two, society will judge men for this, as we now judge drink drivers. Men may up their fame if they think their pals are judging them

@bananaobamaHe sends £1200. It’s in the op. This would pay for some help in the evenings.

Thats fuck all given he earns £110k

About 1%

disgusting

unlikely to be a fair amount towards everything a child needs

i expect the nursery bill is in excess of that!!!

It’s awful that dads get to do nothing, my exH left 4 years ago and went to the opposite end of the country (5 hrs drive)… he has travelled back ONCE in all that time, saw her the equivalent of about 8 hours ….. last summer we travelled up there for a couple of days so DD could see him and his family and he offered to pay the accommodation…. And promised to make more effort!…. Another year has past and he’s not seen her at all again!
mots sad but ultimately these dads are missing out…
prepare yourself that once he has a new partner he’ll either cut contact completely or suddenly want to see her all the time to impress his new partner!