To think him sending me 1k every month isn’t a solution to making this fair?

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Ex is a consultant in the nhs. He earns around 110k. Probably will earn more in future.

He is supposed to send 950 a month based on his salary (thereabouts) but he sends 1,200. He chose a job literally hours away from us after we broke up when dd was 1.

He sees dd once every couple of weeks, sometimes more if he pays for a hotel and stays nearby for some extra days. He’s good with dd when with her but obviously doesn’t do A THING in relation to DD’s care.

I also have a full time job. I work in a competitive industry and I’m struggling so much trying to keep up with everything. I’ve told him that choosing a job so far away and just throwing extra money over isn’t a solution. He point blank refuses to look for another job.

I know I can’t make him do that or make him be in Dd’s life in a fuller way. I also know I can use the money for extra childcare etc. I do know this. But the reality is it doesn’t help much as I’m still doing school runs and bedtimes and taking her to parties etc. The burden of it all on me feels so immense and I often just cry at the end of an evening.

AIBU to feel money doesn’t make up for this in the way he thinks it does? He feels that i ‘get more’ so should shut up and be happy. I am so unhappy and frustrated.

Ok so if he moved closer and took his child 50/50 - she'd get no maintenance. Then that would be a whole other thread

Absolutely. I don't know what sort of scenario the OP would prefer

What’s unpleasant about it? If she already works full time in a salaried position she wouldn’t get paid for more hours or work trips. I was promoted several times as a single parent.

Maintenance for one child is 15% of gross, so he's slightly underpaying.

OP, this is rotten. Of course it isn't fair that one parent can walk away and leave the entire burden on the other.

I've been in your position and it is really tough. It does get better though.

Use the money to better your situation. Buy the services you need to claw some time back for yourself. Cleaning, ironing, gardening, childcare.

FWIW my delightful XH is self-employed and has managed to squeeze his contribution to less than £30 a week. DS doesn't even talk to him (these things are unrelated!). Luckily, my career has gone from strength to strength after a few squeaky bum years and now we're in an excellent position so his pathetic payments don't make enough of a difference.

So yes, be furious. But get planning.

You assumed that she'd prefer the money to more parenting support. A snide comment that implies single parents are out for all they can get. Nothing g in the OPs posts suggest that. She hadn't said he should pay more, she wants more headspace, time, support of the kind that can only be given by the other, engaged parent.

And of course you can get promotions etc, I have too, but there is a ceiling if youre hampered by full time childcare that isn't there if you have 50 /50 care.

You only need full time childcare for a relatively short period. Support can come from other sources than the other parent. My parents provided more support than my child’s father would ever have been capable of.

A RPs income isnt massively affected by childcare if they get over £1000 a month to pay for it. So Im not sure what your point is. She can go for all of those things with the money he gives her to pay for care.

That too. The child is at school so wrap around care isnt as high as nursery fees.

No reason she cant use the £1200 a month to pay for care when she needs to work longer hours.

@GrandmasCat I absolutely don't think only well off women should have children. But I do think any woman having children should do so taking account of a fair possibility of becoming a single parent and all of the implications of that.
Children inevitably put a lot of pressure on relationships and the days of people 'making their beds' are long gone.
The economic impact on individual families and wider society is a related but different argument.

You need to hire somebody, work out the cost, halve it and then ask him for his half. You need to get someone that can come in the mornings to take her to school, then pick her up and stay with her till you get home. Holidays she could go to summer holiday clubs ran by nursery's that cater for older children in school holiday time. Its all doable. Stop stressing, youve only the one child and £1200 a month is bloody good. My ex was a chronic drinker, didn't pay anything, I had 4 children and worked full time as a nurse. My family didn't help me and looking back i wonder how I managed but I did! She wont be young forever and it flies by so keep that in mind that it's only temporary!

I agree with you that there is always the possibility to become a single parent as partners can die, get disabled, leave with the office intern or simply turn into deadbeat dads once they realise it is not that fun dealing with the ins and outs of parenthood.

The thing is that nobody has a crystal ball so it would always be a gamble. I would probably change that advice to calculate how many children you can afford as a couple without the help of benefits and make sure you both stay economically active throughout as nothing cripples women so bad financially as a few years as a stay home parent.

100%. Money doesn't replace practical or useful help.

Mine are great too but in the end, big decisions come down to you alone and my or your parents should not be bearing the brunt of the father's responsibility. And its not just about paid childcare. I had great wraparound care but it didn't go past 6.30pm. Lots of high paid roles need much more than that, overnights even and that should be for the other parent to share but if they've prioritised their own career, where does that leave the OP?

Do men not also have to.consider that? What if every man with a 'big job' was told 'if you have kids you have to expect that you might have to give it up or step down a notch if your marriage fails?'

As above, its not just about having a paid nanny for even 12 hours a day. Loads of careers require more flexibility than that.

@fuckeditupbadly of course they should but realistically most don't. Bottom line is that there's no true equality around parenthood and the majority of women wouldn't leave their children when a relationship breaks down.
There are exceptions both ways of course.

So how do we change that? So that any woman who wants to be an equal share partner, not the default, can be so? How do change the expectations of fatherhood so that most men and employers dont assume that it wont impact their professional life?

Good luck with unpicking centuries of cultural norms.

@fuckeditupbadly and that's the million dollar question. Aside from basic biology it's a massive cultural shift that I won't see in my lifetime.

I always wanted to be the sahm, baking biscuits ready for home time, lovely non process meal at the ready, ironing cleaning done, quality time spent with children before bedtime,

but hay i worked full time h worked ridiculous hours only seeing c on Sundays mostly due to pressures from work,

Wrap around school morning and afternoon's,

Absolutely exhausted , I was the default parent, doctors dentist, after school clubs, thats how it was, my h working hours did not allow him to share the day to day responsibilities of rearing the children, just how life is sometimes

You would prefer not to have your daughter with you all the time? Him to have more custody?

Take the money. Use it for a nanny/wraparound/whatever makes your life easier. But you get to raise your daughter your way.

Who says he is shit! I doubt consultant jobs are ten a penny so that he can live anywhere he wants! Maybe they both should have had longer harder conversations about having a kid before they had one.

When women have full equality in the workplace and become high salaries breadwinners is one thing but many women want to be SAHM or part time workers once they start families which means taking on more childcare whilst dad works to bring the main wage in.

It’s shit. The assumption that you will do all the parenting and he can just fuck off and live his life single is a piss take. Drop her at his house and fuck off.

Can you move closer to him? Can his family help you?

Also you absolutely do not have to be the main parent. If you are very unhappy then have a serious think about him becoming the main parent. He obviously isn't a stupid man. So he would be capable of choosing a school and enrolling her and sorting after school care. On his salary he could probably get a nanny or au pair to help. Especially with you paying him maintenance on top 9f his earnings. Throw him in the deepend op and stop yourself drowning. You can have a chance to be the happy weekend parent.

yes but plenty don't. As I have said repeatedly, I would be more than happy to have had 50/50 but ex was able to just decide he'd be a 4 day a month "parent" and that was it. We do the same job, FT so no reason he couldn't have shared care except he had a more important place to be than in the same town as his kids. And the worse thing is that apparently that's ok, whereas had I done the exact same thing you absolutely know there would be condemnation from all over. The reality, a decade on, is that he is nothing like a an actual parent. He sees them about every 6 weeks. He doesn't really know them, understand what's important to them or have a functioning parental role. What he pays (calculated online with CMS) is the bare minimum he is allowed to. If I ring fenced that amount and refused to spend a penny more on the kids they'd have a pretty miserable life but I'd be having a great time.