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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask a hobby group member to stop messaging so much?

131 replies

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · Today 09:34

I've suffered badly from depression and was encouraged to join a hobby group for company and to make new friends. I did that. I've settled in well and I enjoy going to the group. It's really helped me. I'm not very good with social situations and this was a big step for me.

The group also has a Facebook group where people talk during the week. I joined that too and also several people added me as friends, including Bob.

Bob has health problems and is on long term sick. His wife works and he just seems to sit in the house all day watching TV and using Facebook. He's ok to talk to at the hobby but not someone I'd be a close friend with and meet up with out of the hobby.

Since he befriended me on Facebook, it's got to the point where I feel like he's suffocating me on there. Every time I post a status update or a photo, he likes it within seconds, posts a public comment under it and then sends a Messenger message to discuss it. If I post on someone else's status or in a public group that he's not connected to, that is liked, he adds a comment, then messages to discuss that. Close friends and family have noticed and asked who the hell is this Bob character who's all over your stuff?!

He messages me updates from the hobby which I already get as I'm already subscribed to my own notifications that I catch up on when it's convenient for me. He sends me updates of stuff he's watching on TV that I'm not interested in. He sends me reels that he's seen and wants to discuss those. Recent examples are a black and white reel of where he grew up and several paragraphs of him reminiscing about his childhood. A reel about a medical condition and several paragraphs explaining how his neighbour struggles with that.

It got to the point where I muted the conversation as I was dreading it every time my phone made the new message noise and I was hesitant about using Facebook as I usually would due to his behaviour.

I grew some balls and worked up the courage to say please stop it. I was very polite and explained why I don't need him to message the hobby updates, I'm not interested in the stuff he watches on TV and I haven't got time for lengthy chats about stuff he's seen on reels.

He's took massive offence at this and bad mouthed me at the hobby. I've had several people have a go at me for upsetting him. When I've said I can't cope with the intensity of his interactions on Facebook, everyone has said that's just Bob and it's kinder just to humour him.

I now feel uncomfortable attending the hobby group as people are being cold towards me because I've offended Bob.

Have I done anything wrong here? I don't understand why the rest of the group think his needs of wanting to send millions of messages are greater than mine for not wanting to receive so much contact from him.

OP posts:
waterrat · Today 14:46

God this enrages me . How DARE people protect him and his entitled, stalker-ish male behaviour. You were brave to join the group - I'm SO sorry for you that this twat man has made you feel uncomfortable.

Please use clear language if anyone 'defends' him and say - this man is making me uncomfortable, harassing me and bothering me - ask to speak to the hobby leader and say it is very distressing for you

Gribouille · Today 15:24

HumbleStumble · Today 11:37

That's cool but you make no sense. Leave the noble bee keeping community out of your mouth. They keep bees not grudges.

Love this! The Voice of the Beehive has spoken!

👸🐝😄

OP, I'm glad you are sticking with this, and I'm sure that by keeping calm and carrying on this will all be last week's news very soon...

Isn't it interesting, though, that poor, sick, vulnerable Bobs inevitably turn into angry, spiteful, bad-mouthing Bobs when they hear a woman say No... 😠

(Sort of on this subject, did anyone see that amazing Gabriela Ortiz' Revolucion Diamantina on the Proms last night? So powerful to hear women's voices like that!)

Thepeopleversuswork · Today 15:37

@Zov

I have lost count of the amount of times I have heard a man say 'miserable cow' when a woman he has spoken to (or hurled some hilarious quip at,) didn't pay him attention. All women who don't fall at his feet and laugh at his pathetic dad jokes (and sometimes racist, bigoted, or sexist 'jokes') are miserable cows, probably frigid too, and more than likely a lesbian

Absolutely this.

If the roles were reversed and OP had bombarded Bob with memes and dull inventories of her TV preferences people would have thought she was harassing him/muscling in on him etc.

So many men have been raised to think their role is to “entertain” women and the woman on the receiving end is expected to feign interest in his mindless stream of consciousness about whatever pops into his head, laugh at all the shit jokes etc. Her opinions, her preferences and irrelevant because she is just a vessel for him to offload his suboptimal views.

No doubt his wife got tired of it decades ago.

PuppyMonkey · Today 15:54

We haven’t had a good hobby guessing thread in ages. I’m going for Viking re-enactment.

Neuronimo · Today 15:55

Yeah socially awkward or not, it just isn't acceptable to assume people want direct contact with an acquaintance of the opposite sex, just because of a shared interest. It isn't even as if what he is sending her is remotely connected to the hobby.

Hankunamatata · Today 16:14

I would have just blocked him on fb or restricted my profile

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