AIBU to ask a hobby group member to stop messaging so much?

[YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan]

I've suffered badly from depression and was encouraged to join a hobby group for company and to make new friends. I did that. I've settled in well and I enjoy going to the group. It's really helped me. I'm not very good with social situations and this was a big step for me.

The group also has a Facebook group where people talk during the week. I joined that too and also several people added me as friends, including Bob.

Bob has health problems and is on long term sick. His wife works and he just seems to sit in the house all day watching TV and using Facebook. He's ok to talk to at the hobby but not someone I'd be a close friend with and meet up with out of the hobby.

Since he befriended me on Facebook, it's got to the point where I feel like he's suffocating me on there. Every time I post a status update or a photo, he likes it within seconds, posts a public comment under it and then sends a Messenger message to discuss it. If I post on someone else's status or in a public group that he's not connected to, that is liked, he adds a comment, then messages to discuss that. Close friends and family have noticed and asked who the hell is this Bob character who's all over your stuff?!

He messages me updates from the hobby which I already get as I'm already subscribed to my own notifications that I catch up on when it's convenient for me. He sends me updates of stuff he's watching on TV that I'm not interested in. He sends me reels that he's seen and wants to discuss those. Recent examples are a black and white reel of where he grew up and several paragraphs of him reminiscing about his childhood. A reel about a medical condition and several paragraphs explaining how his neighbour struggles with that.

It got to the point where I muted the conversation as I was dreading it every time my phone made the new message noise and I was hesitant about using Facebook as I usually would due to his behaviour.

I grew some balls and worked up the courage to say please stop it. I was very polite and explained why I don't need him to message the hobby updates, I'm not interested in the stuff he watches on TV and I haven't got time for lengthy chats about stuff he's seen on reels.

He's took massive offence at this and bad mouthed me at the hobby. I've had several people have a go at me for upsetting him. When I've said I can't cope with the intensity of his interactions on Facebook, everyone has said that's just Bob and it's kinder just to humour him.

I now feel uncomfortable attending the hobby group as people are being cold towards me because I've offended Bob.

Have I done anything wrong here? I don't understand why the rest of the group think his needs of wanting to send millions of messages are greater than mine for not wanting to receive so much contact from him.

To yourself OP, you don't have to be kind to idiots who feel the right to trample over your feelings and needs.
As for the others who had a go at you, they are probably worried now he is free, he will latch onto one of them.

You haven't done anything wrong in expressing your needs. Even though you suffer inside, it probably doesn't show on the outside while Bob's issues do. Unfortunately many social circles don't take well to someone expressing their needs, especially if they can't obviously see someone's vulnerability.
Other people though probably wouldn't have felt obliged to communicate with him in the way you seem to have felt once he was messaging you. To "humour" him, maybe they just put a thumbs up or a smiley on his messages for instance.

It also sounds like you were very frank - you didn't just stop replying to his messages, you also explained yourself about not needing his updates, not being interested in what he sends. You didn't really need to go that far. Something in you seems to think you need to give a full and frank explanation rather than just stop reacting or reading what he sends?
On a practical level, you can limit Bob from seeing your posts on Facebook without defriending him if you think defriending will cause more issues for you. Go into Facebook help for explanation on doing this.

Maybe not, but I for one want to know whether Bob is being a weirdo in a needlepoint class or being a normal in a dogging meet up

Leave the Facebook group / Facebook in general. It's a cancer.

Exactly and now half the posts are about WI and pole dancing derailing the thread.

Just block him. He’s not your responsibility and you feel harassed. As for the hobby group, I’d tell them he was causing you distress and he’s not the only person who’s feelings matter.

From now on if he starts the messaging up completely ignore him.

Don’t stop going to the hobby because of this saddo.

It really will all blow over in time and be forgotten about.

Shame this wasnt nipped in the bud earlier. Do the others in the hobby get the same level of attention as you do? I would think not if they are defending him and painting you as the baddie. I wouldnt just mute him i wiuld block him completely

Have had this problem, I was nice, he pushed boundaries with nosiness. Then finally told him to mind his own business and don't talk to me as I will ignore you.
Which I did and although he was still nosy I didn't have the 101 questions everytime I went into the garden or out the front door.
Fuck being nice or kind. Many people don't desrve that decent response when they take the piss.

Why didn't you just restrict your profile so he can't see your fb posts or what you comment on other people's posts, mute your conversation and he'd have got bored, if he said anything you say "oh I've stopped using fb, I only dip in to look at specific groups for information, I was wasting too much time on there".

You'd have had no backlash if you'd done that and he'd stop.

I had a male friend who likes to offload on to me, when he finds a girlfriend it all goes quiet, then as soon as he's single or they have an argument lo and behold I'm getting multiple daily messages, most about his non existent problems. He never shows much interest in me, he pretends to but he never remembers the details etc.

I guess he uses me for attention for him and in his mind I'm that person who listens, boosts his ego, makes him feel better, shows empathy etc. Anyway I got sick of it and blocked him, best decision ever as I realised he brought nothing positive to my life. In fact i was waking up to 10 min voice notes of him swearing and shouting about minor things, it was awful.

100%

Who cares about his feelings. Don’t mind the other people who are trying to make you feel guilty. He deserved it, you were kind enough to him.

No you haven't done anything wrong.
I had a similar experience. The person had mild learning difficulties.
It was getting too much and I ended up coming off social media to avoid them. This was easier as I didn't see them in real life (it was someone I knew from years ago who added me on Facebook. In hindsight I should never have accepted the friend request).

Exactly. Count the total number of interactions (likes, comments, messages) over the course of a week or even a month. Quote that back at them. No way anyone’s willing to tolerate that.

You absolutely did the right thing, it would only have escalated to intrusion beyond the digital world i.e. turning up at things you’re at or at your house.

This started because you are a nice a mbt tolerant person. At this stage though, you should be ‘offended’ by Bob bad mouthing you, rather than the other way round. Yet I get a sense that you feel bad for Bob. Again, this is because you’re a nice person. If people say you’ve offended Bob say right back to them that actually Bob has offended you, badmouthing you after a simple polite request.

You should speak to the hobby group leader about it. Maybe they will be willing to explain your side of things to the group or to individuals causing you issues.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t leave the group. Obviously, if it continues to really get you down and it’s not good for you then you may make the better to leave. But all of us here are rooting for you to continue enjoy enjoying your hobby and not let daft Bob win. xx

The Handmaid’s mantra.

Be like the past Queen, never explain. The two people who need to know the details are you and bob, that’s it, he a cry baby telling the others for attention when he was in the wrong.

Well done for telling him to stop it. That must have been really uncomfortable especially as you'd just started to get involved with this group and weren't feeling particularly social anyway.

I suspect the others are envious they've not done the same and you're now on the receiving end of weird collective jealousy because they put up with it so why can't you.

I'm sorry this has happened. It's not on and I really feel for you. As a therapist who often recommends people to get out there, I'd be furious for you.

Perhaps play him at his own game and send a group message saying you joined the group because you were trying to overcome depression, and now have been made to feel very unwelcome. Keep it brief and let them reflect on it.
If you aren't that bothered on the group then I would just cast your net wide and try a few different things until you find your people.

Best of luck with it !

No, you're not in the wrong. Nobody should make you uncomfortable and overfamiliarity and non-stop rubbish sent to you is dull, annoying and horrible.

Well done for speaking up and it's a shame that the others don't see where you're coming from, esp with Bob not taking it well and bad-mouthing you. That should be enough for them to realise that you're right and Bob is a bit of a dick.

Ugh! 'That's how Bob is' - he's been allowed to get how he is by people tolerating his poor behaviour. People like Bob do not take a hint, you have to be blunt and set clear boundaries, if that hurts his feelings, that's his problem to deal with. You don't have to sacrifice your own mental health for anyone else's comfort. Bob will get over it or not, keep doing what you enjoy!

Why cant Bob be kind and not pester OP?

Why didn't you just change your settings to acquaintances so all he can see you updating is your profile picture? That's what I do when people behave like this.

I can't stand these dynamics in groups. I've seen it in work places with a colleague who was a right creep, and most of the young women felt very uncomfortable but management would do their whole he means no harm.
He would get the new graduates to give him their number for random work reasons and then would bombard them with inappropriate texts.

Bob sounds like a pest.
You did nothing wrong, bloody well done you for speaking up!
However, it does sound a bit like a cliquey group with all that 'It's just how Bob is' rubbish, so personally I'd start looking around for a different group.

This is harassment and bullying! I would message his wife and show her a few screenshots of the intensity. I would also show the group leader/owner/whomever is funding it and show them how his stalking and harassment has affected your mental health, the let them know you will not be returning because XYZ has bullied you out of the group.

I'm so sorry this has ended up like this for you. He sounds unhinged. You could even drop a mention of reporting him to the police because you asked him to stop and he's sent a witch hunt after you. You've every right to not want to be harassed. I'd even tell his wife you are considering the police.

For everyone who will jump on and go "Oooh what can the police do!?" They'll take it seriously, is what I know for fact.