AIBU to ask a hobby group member to stop messaging so much?

[YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan]

I've suffered badly from depression and was encouraged to join a hobby group for company and to make new friends. I did that. I've settled in well and I enjoy going to the group. It's really helped me. I'm not very good with social situations and this was a big step for me.

The group also has a Facebook group where people talk during the week. I joined that too and also several people added me as friends, including Bob.

Bob has health problems and is on long term sick. His wife works and he just seems to sit in the house all day watching TV and using Facebook. He's ok to talk to at the hobby but not someone I'd be a close friend with and meet up with out of the hobby.

Since he befriended me on Facebook, it's got to the point where I feel like he's suffocating me on there. Every time I post a status update or a photo, he likes it within seconds, posts a public comment under it and then sends a Messenger message to discuss it. If I post on someone else's status or in a public group that he's not connected to, that is liked, he adds a comment, then messages to discuss that. Close friends and family have noticed and asked who the hell is this Bob character who's all over your stuff?!

He messages me updates from the hobby which I already get as I'm already subscribed to my own notifications that I catch up on when it's convenient for me. He sends me updates of stuff he's watching on TV that I'm not interested in. He sends me reels that he's seen and wants to discuss those. Recent examples are a black and white reel of where he grew up and several paragraphs of him reminiscing about his childhood. A reel about a medical condition and several paragraphs explaining how his neighbour struggles with that.

It got to the point where I muted the conversation as I was dreading it every time my phone made the new message noise and I was hesitant about using Facebook as I usually would due to his behaviour.

I grew some balls and worked up the courage to say please stop it. I was very polite and explained why I don't need him to message the hobby updates, I'm not interested in the stuff he watches on TV and I haven't got time for lengthy chats about stuff he's seen on reels.

He's took massive offence at this and bad mouthed me at the hobby. I've had several people have a go at me for upsetting him. When I've said I can't cope with the intensity of his interactions on Facebook, everyone has said that's just Bob and it's kinder just to humour him.

I now feel uncomfortable attending the hobby group as people are being cold towards me because I've offended Bob.

Have I done anything wrong here? I don't understand why the rest of the group think his needs of wanting to send millions of messages are greater than mine for not wanting to receive so much contact from him.

There is no reason why the OP should have used the word 'sorry' in her message. You have to be firm and assertive with people like that, because anything else is like water off a duck's back to them.

This man had become a real annoying nuisance and the OP had every right to tell him to back off and leave her alone. The OP is not responsible for managing this man's sensitivity.

Urgh, what the fuck is wrong with men? Why do they think they are entitled to womens time and attention, and if they don't get it/the women push them away and say no, they get aggressive and nasty.

I have lost count of the amount of times I have heard a man say 'miserable cow' when a woman he has spoken to (or hurled some hilarious quip at,) didn't pay him attention. All women who don't fall at his feet and laugh at his pathetic dad jokes (and sometimes racist, bigoted, or sexist 'jokes') are miserable cows, probably frigid too, and more than likely a lesbian. 🙄

Can you tell I have suffered the same as you have a number of times in my life @YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan

As has been said, block him, and tell everyone at the group why. What a cunt he is. As annoyed as you are about this, just be thankful for one thing, you're not married to him. His poor wife, having this useless lecherous perv of a man for a husband. What does he actually bring to her life?

I have to say, and I'm not apologising or explaining myself, I HATE men at hobby groups. For a number of reasons. They love the sound of their own voice, they think they're more clever than anyone else there, they're know-it-alls, and they (as has been illustrated here) think nothing of getting too friendly with the women in the group. Even when they show ZERO romantic interest in him.

I had to leave a hobby group once, because of one particular odious middle aged man who kept winking at me, trying to sit close to me, and trying to touch me/hold my hand. I am married and had my engagement and wedding rings on, and spoke about my husband a few times too. Didn't stop him trying it on though. Cunt.

I also agree that #BEKIND can burn in hell. Why is this always aimed exclusively at women? Fuck that shit.

It’s really unfair that the group has made you feel as though you’re in the wrong when you were quite simply enforcing reasonable boundaries. Block him, ignore stupid comments re be kind, that horribly overused phrase which often equals being a total doormat and allowing others to be a pita. The guy is needy and desperate for interaction but has done this very badly wrong.

bitontheobtuse

sorry doesn’t have to mean ‘you’re not in the wrong’- the word is missing from too many interactions now with people along with people mistaking being blunt for saying what needs to be said

You can set groups on fb - for example’close friends’ and include everyone except Bob in that group. Then when you post you post for ‘close friends’ and Bob won’t see it. A bit of a faff but if you’d rather not have the tricky discussion you could do that.

I post to my friends (excluding... ) and I add people to that exclusion list.

Omg 🤣🤣🤣

I disagree with the posters saying set him to 'restricted' friends @YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan IMO you need to block him.

Well done, OP, on putting in an appropriate boundary. The people telling you to accept his behaviour ABU.

Thanks all for the helpful messages. It's helping me make sense of what happened. In the past, I would have came off Facebook and left the hobby group and shut myself away. I needed the pep talk to stop me doing this.

I mentioned he was on long term sick as I do feel sorry for him. He seems bored sitting in a chair all day on his own. That's his problem to solve though and I don't want to be the solution to it.

I think he messages other people in the group a lot as well. I've been looking at their personal Facebook pages this morning and noticed he pops up on all their statuses as well. Often just saying things for the sake of it. Eg: "nice picture" under a photo. I guess they just ignore it better than I've been doing!

I'll sort out the Facebook settings and restrict what he can see and not engage in anything I don't want to talk to him about.

Why is he on long term sick @YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan ?

As he has shared this information with you and the group presumably, surely he also said why? He clearly wants people to know his business.

If I was on long term sick I would not tell anyone. It's none of their business. If people were prodding and prying, trying to find out why I didn't go out to work, I would say I am retired. If I was too young - like under 50 - I would say I work from home, in a Government job or Local Authority job or something. (Or I am self employed...)

But yeah, what's wrong with him? Why is he on long term sick?

As you have said - and many women on Mumsnet will tell you - his boredom and loneliness is not your problem. You say he is married... Why isn't he talking to - and engaging with his wife? Why is all his energy going into constantly messaging random women at his hobby group?

As I say, you need to block him. he's a nuisance, and has been pestering you. To hell with the fact he has been messaging others. That's their problem to sort (if it bothers them.) He has shown you who is is by slagging you off to people behind your back, for having the audacity to tell him to stop messaging you all the time!

Block him.

!

Or just get off Facebook altogether. This story is a perfect example of its pitfalls.

Zov · Today 11:59 "As has been said, block him, and tell everyone at the group why. What a cunt he is. As annoyed as you are about this, just be thankful for one thing, you're not married to him. His poor wife, having this useless lecherous perv of a man for a husband. What does he actually bring to her life?"

Where are you getting that he's a "useless lecherous perv" from? 😕
What did he do or say that was lecherous or perverted?

Yes, exactly. I think Facebook has had its day, but it can be useful to keep in touch with people who live far away. It does have a BLOCK function too, so I can't understand why the OP hasn't used it on this particular man.

If this needs to be explained to you then I can't help you.

It would have been better just to ignore Bob in this circumstance I think. You've given him ammo to have a go at you now and it's worked.

That sounds smothering, suffocating and it’d piss me off no end. Clearly Bob has no self awareness or social skills.

@YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan Take heart OP !

One good test of whether or not your new-found boundaries are working is complaints from others.
This is because they don't like your new-found confidence and wish you would go back to being the push-over you were before.

Keep going !

You haven't done anything wrong, but I think there probably was a more tactful way to deal with it.

If this is a hobby that people join to help their mental health (as was the case for you and presumably, to some extent, Bob) then there is likely more of a 'be kind' culture than there might be elsewhere. You will likely find that people will tolerate Bob's excessive Facebook usage because they feel sorry for him and he's not actually doing any harm. I also do a hobby that's a bit like this. There is definitely more tolerance for people who are....erm....'socially unusual' than there is in other places, which can be annoying sometimes. But that's what makes it a suitable hobby for people who are struggling socially because of mental health issues or neurodivergence. It's a bit of a catch 22.

You have done nothing wrong, you just need space and the persistant messaging from Bob has become to intense, the trouble is he does not understanstand neticate ( net etticate) and is likely to be lonely himself, hence his persistant messages.

His actions towards you have been cruel and to bad mouth you to the group is nasty I suggest you block him on Facebook to give yourself a break from his constant messages and explain to the group members that he had put you in an awkward situation with the constant messages and that you do not have the head space for this right now.

Then if the group members understand your situation, their attitudes may change but remember if you are feeling vulnerable and the groups attitude to you is sour, this is bad for your MH, as it can drain you.

Fuck that.

What if Bob wanted to have sex with her? Should she be kind to him and do it? Because it might hurt his precious male ego if she said no.

I hate this “be kind” mentality. It means be a doormat, be a pushover, put up with any old crap. I’ll stay unkind thanks.

OP Facebook has a feature that when you post things it allows you to exclude specified people from seeing the post. Exclude Bob.

And please continue with your hobby group. If there’s anyone there who seems to be on your side, tell them the whole story of what Bob did. It will soon spre@d throughout the group.

I’m really angry on your behalf OP. Typically bullying entitled overstepping man.