AIBU to ask a hobby group member to stop messaging so much?

[YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan]

I've suffered badly from depression and was encouraged to join a hobby group for company and to make new friends. I did that. I've settled in well and I enjoy going to the group. It's really helped me. I'm not very good with social situations and this was a big step for me.

The group also has a Facebook group where people talk during the week. I joined that too and also several people added me as friends, including Bob.

Bob has health problems and is on long term sick. His wife works and he just seems to sit in the house all day watching TV and using Facebook. He's ok to talk to at the hobby but not someone I'd be a close friend with and meet up with out of the hobby.

Since he befriended me on Facebook, it's got to the point where I feel like he's suffocating me on there. Every time I post a status update or a photo, he likes it within seconds, posts a public comment under it and then sends a Messenger message to discuss it. If I post on someone else's status or in a public group that he's not connected to, that is liked, he adds a comment, then messages to discuss that. Close friends and family have noticed and asked who the hell is this Bob character who's all over your stuff?!

He messages me updates from the hobby which I already get as I'm already subscribed to my own notifications that I catch up on when it's convenient for me. He sends me updates of stuff he's watching on TV that I'm not interested in. He sends me reels that he's seen and wants to discuss those. Recent examples are a black and white reel of where he grew up and several paragraphs of him reminiscing about his childhood. A reel about a medical condition and several paragraphs explaining how his neighbour struggles with that.

It got to the point where I muted the conversation as I was dreading it every time my phone made the new message noise and I was hesitant about using Facebook as I usually would due to his behaviour.

I grew some balls and worked up the courage to say please stop it. I was very polite and explained why I don't need him to message the hobby updates, I'm not interested in the stuff he watches on TV and I haven't got time for lengthy chats about stuff he's seen on reels.

He's took massive offence at this and bad mouthed me at the hobby. I've had several people have a go at me for upsetting him. When I've said I can't cope with the intensity of his interactions on Facebook, everyone has said that's just Bob and it's kinder just to humour him.

I now feel uncomfortable attending the hobby group as people are being cold towards me because I've offended Bob.

Have I done anything wrong here? I don't understand why the rest of the group think his needs of wanting to send millions of messages are greater than mine for not wanting to receive so much contact from him.

To yourself

Because it's not her responsibility?
And do you not think Bob would have still messaged her through any means or questioned her as to why she wasn't responding or couldn't see certain things on her profile?

Oh give over.

The phrase be kind has been weaponised to stop accountability.

Let's not forget the lady who started it had battered her partner and then used the phrase because people called her out on it.

Classic case of a guy with zero self awareness, mixed in with a dose of loneliness, who everyone will just enable.

I’ve had a neighbour like this and was ostracised when I spoke up and no longer wanted to deal with his incessant bullshit. The whole street felt the same but a lot of people will just appease the dickhead instead of rocking the boat. Unfortunately, 9 times out of 10, you’ll be labelled the black sheep. But, you’ve done the right thing so be proud of yourself (it isn’t easy to call bad behaviour out) and it tells you all you need to know about everyone else in that group.

YANBU about bob’s behaviour but what on earth is the relevance of him being “on the sick?!?” why couldn’t you just say he doesn’t work? You had to add that little bit in to try drum up additional resentment and hostility towards him and YADBU for that.
However yes, he needs to be told to stop he’s bang out of order.

I find people at hobby groups can be very quick to chime in that others should be kind and supportive when it in no way requires them to be. There was another thread recently where members were berating the OP for not wanting to give weekly lifts to an awful woman in the group. Funnily enough, all those slating her failed to volunteer themselves.

I’d go through my settings on Facebook, you can even block it from receiving friends requests and from people being able to find you from your email or phone number. I never add or accept friend requests from colleagues for example.

Is @YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan female? I missed where they said that?

You did nothing wrong. You put a boundary in place. Hopefully it'll blow over soon. He's a dick bad mouthing you.

I am slowly learning this!

YANBU, and you should feel really proud of yourself for standing up for yourself. Well done.

I experienced similar from a peer on an adult learning course, his level of Watsapping was way, way too much for me. Like you say, messaging pointless things we already knew from the group chat/our tutor anyway. I slowed replies and would say a firm goodbye for now, I’m away for the weekend, etc. I started to feel anxious whenever my phone went off, it was too much!

It's so weird when people say "hobby" without saying what it is. What will happen if you say "cycling" or "bird watching"? Mumsnetters will track you down ? I usually assume "hobby" to be stick whittling and extreme bee keeping for what it's worth.

It’s not relevant to the story at all. This story is about annoying Bob who would be annoying whatever the hobby was.

It’s like saying “I went to the cinema and someone chucked their popcorn all over me, was I being unreasonable to get annoyed?”The film they saw at the cinema is not relevant to the story.

If OP specified that the hobby was beekeeping and someone from the beekeeping hobby was on mumsnet then this could be outing.

Yeah, be kind. Even if it fucks you up. Right.

Use the feature on Facebook that allows you to sort your friends into categories. I put people I don't know that well on "restricted" so we're friends but they can't see all my stuff

That's cool but you make no sense. Leave the noble bee keeping community out of your mouth. They keep bees not grudges.

I was friended on Facebook by a friends son who is in his mid 30s but has special needs. When I accepted his friend request he bombarded me on messenger, I just muted him and ignored the messages. I knew if I engaged at all he'd be a massive pain in the arse. Whenever I saw him he always asked if I got his message, I just say oh no I never use messenger. It took a while but he got the message eventually. I know it's a bit late but really you should have ignored him from the off. I would apologise (even though you did nothing wrong) just to clear the air.

I don't think I'd be kind under these circumstances. Bob and his ilk are pests and need to be dealt with pretty robustly. I'd remove as a friend and then block if he doesn't take the hint. Explain that you are happy to speak to him in a group setting only. I'd also have a word with the group organiser as he is bordering on harassing you. Men are not owed kindness and friendship from women, unless it it earned.

Yanbu.
Don’t stop going.
Change two settings in FB :

1. Stop him seeing your new posts.
2. Change the settings on the posts you interact with, so they don’t appear on your friends feeds.

If you post something Bob can see I think it's reasonable for him to engage in it.
On Facebook you can add a list of "don't show to" for all your posts, so you could have just added him there so he didn't see your posts.

The people in the hobby group on FB probably have no idea that he was sending you umpteen intrusive private messages daily.

Have you actually told anyone in the group that this is what he was doing, and that this was why you politely asked him to stop doing it?

so you joined the hobby to try to get out a bit, I’d say he did too and you’ve both got it as your world at the moment. I don’t think we can comment given we don’t know how you said it- given his always being there was bothering you and you said you’re anxious, there’s a chance it came out as ‘leave me alone, leave me alone!’ as opposed to ‘ sorry bob just at the moment I have the bandwidth for little more than posting and participating in the hobby’ and Bob being sensitive because of the way his life is, got upset.

Bobs reaction is typical of weak people who cannot accept responsibility for their behaviour. In fact you have done him a favour by giving him an opportunity to alter it.

Perhaps it would have been better to begin by blocking him and ignoring the unwanted messages. If challenged you were using another phone or too busy with important stuff. This lets them know where they stand in the hierarchy.

When someone over chatty gets no reply or brief one word replies from someone they are stalking they eventually get tired of being ignored.

Dont you ever check your phone?
Yes I check it every week.

Be kind?
That can fuck right off for a start.
I will be kind and nice when certain men in society start being kind and nice. NAMALT but there are plenty of Billy B Bs and other who would do well to learn and experience the shit a lot of women are put through in the guise of being kind and nice.
Why should women be expected to be compliant door mats. Most men wouldn't tolerate being like it due to their inflated self worth and the fact we're MEN.

There is a setting on Facebook that you can have people on your friend list but you can stop certain people from seeing what you post.

You haven't done anything wrong and you don't owe Bob your time or attention. I do wonder if he's messaging everyone else as much as he is you, though?

Regarding other people being cold to you, if anyone says anything directly I would say 'Well, I didn't badmouth Bob to all of you, when I could have, did I? So maybe I'm not the problem here.'

If nobody says anything directly, I would just let it blow over.

It says a lot about Bob's presumptuousness that he has behaved like this.