AIBU to ask a hobby group member to stop messaging so much?

[YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan]

I've suffered badly from depression and was encouraged to join a hobby group for company and to make new friends. I did that. I've settled in well and I enjoy going to the group. It's really helped me. I'm not very good with social situations and this was a big step for me.

The group also has a Facebook group where people talk during the week. I joined that too and also several people added me as friends, including Bob.

Bob has health problems and is on long term sick. His wife works and he just seems to sit in the house all day watching TV and using Facebook. He's ok to talk to at the hobby but not someone I'd be a close friend with and meet up with out of the hobby.

Since he befriended me on Facebook, it's got to the point where I feel like he's suffocating me on there. Every time I post a status update or a photo, he likes it within seconds, posts a public comment under it and then sends a Messenger message to discuss it. If I post on someone else's status or in a public group that he's not connected to, that is liked, he adds a comment, then messages to discuss that. Close friends and family have noticed and asked who the hell is this Bob character who's all over your stuff?!

He messages me updates from the hobby which I already get as I'm already subscribed to my own notifications that I catch up on when it's convenient for me. He sends me updates of stuff he's watching on TV that I'm not interested in. He sends me reels that he's seen and wants to discuss those. Recent examples are a black and white reel of where he grew up and several paragraphs of him reminiscing about his childhood. A reel about a medical condition and several paragraphs explaining how his neighbour struggles with that.

It got to the point where I muted the conversation as I was dreading it every time my phone made the new message noise and I was hesitant about using Facebook as I usually would due to his behaviour.

I grew some balls and worked up the courage to say please stop it. I was very polite and explained why I don't need him to message the hobby updates, I'm not interested in the stuff he watches on TV and I haven't got time for lengthy chats about stuff he's seen on reels.

He's took massive offence at this and bad mouthed me at the hobby. I've had several people have a go at me for upsetting him. When I've said I can't cope with the intensity of his interactions on Facebook, everyone has said that's just Bob and it's kinder just to humour him.

I now feel uncomfortable attending the hobby group as people are being cold towards me because I've offended Bob.

Have I done anything wrong here? I don't understand why the rest of the group think his needs of wanting to send millions of messages are greater than mine for not wanting to receive so much contact from him.

I would have just blocked him early on tbh.

Change your FB settings so he can’t see your posts.

Keep going to your hobby. Stand your ground if anyone pesters you about it again. There’s some great advice from others.

And fuck “be kind”. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries.

You've done nothing wrong @YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan. If you don't want to block him outright (I'd be very tempted) then at least set your FB to 'share posts with all friends except Bob'.

Obvious question...but does he do this to other members of the hobby group?

"Hobby group"
What in the name of fuck is the hobby?
Dogging?
Needlepoint?
Rimming?
Mutual wanking?
Running?
Cycling?
Golf?
Extreme bear baiting?

You've done nothing wrong and well done for actually going to the hobby group.
I bet his wife has no idea how much interaction he is trying to have with other woman!

I barely use FB but would have blocked him and if its mentioned, I'd say I was hacked and limiting my future use- then obviously NEVER befriend him again. Never reply to the constant messages about your posts either.

Is there anyone at the group you get on with? I'd make it clear that he was harassing you and inform the co-ordinator too.

I’m guessing Bob latches onto any new woman joining the group who is passingly polite to him. He has presumably tried this with others so they may be relieved that he’s found a new victim.

You have done nothing wrong. Ask people saying it’s just Bob and you should put up with it why Bobs feelings count more than yours? Why it acceptable you feel as you do with Bobs contact and should accept it rather than calm it out, why Bob takes priority over you

bet they can’t answer

Mutual wanking LOL.

Many years ago I remember seeing a documentary about women going to an evening class to learn how to masturbate (unsurprisingly it was in Islington if memory serves). Even less surprisingly loads of blokes turned up to watch through the glass panel at the top of the door.

Sorry OP huge digression and God Forbid Bob ever cottoned on to a class like that.

God forbid indeed hahahahahah I am howling at that.

@Thepeopleversuswork I think I saw that documentary too!

Off topic, but years ago, not long after I'd moved to the UK, I saw a programme about the WI, also in Islington! They were all in their 20's and doing pole dancing, dynamic yoga classes and all manner of interesting things.

I went to a WI event in a different area and was rather disappointed that the demographics were vastly different to the Islington group as were the 'activities' which were very much more sedate. 😆

I'm sorry but your hobby attendees are batshit crazy. A grown adult male had basically stalked and harassed you.online.

You are NOT responsible for a grown adult's behaviour. What are those hobbyists smoking?!

I've come across many Bob's in my life and being a people pleaser I've attracted them as they think they won't get a pushback so I can completely relate.

Just be an arse to him, block him, just carry on what you're doing and if you're new friends think you're unreasonable then that's their problem!! You are absolutely in the right.

Women are not support animals for men.

I bet the others are glad to have the heat off them... Do all the blocky things suggested above (I'm not techno myself), but also, you can rightly feel determined and assertive about this rather than on the back foot! Do not be apologetic to anyone!

And well done for getting out there! I know how difficult it can be when we're down - but also a good part of our recovery! 🤗

OP - you are not Bob’s therapist!

You have your own issues to worry about. Stay strong and explain that you have been overwhelmed and cannot be expected to deal with this level of expectation. I normally eye-roll at making oneself the victim, but in this case I’d play that card - it might be the only thing these people understand.

Do not let this man take away your hobby OP. You did absolutely nothing wrong and the fact that your friends/ family who do not know him picked up on the over intensity of his interactions is evidence enough. Good for you for protecting your own mental health and putting in a boundary. Bob is not entitled to your time or headspace regardless of whether it is well meaning or not

Oh Lord yes pole dancing is not usually a retirement hobby.

First line nails it.

Fuck that

This isn't about kindness. This is about boundaries and the absolute ridiculous entitlement some people feel they have to other people's time and attention, no matter how it affects this. And this feels bordering on stalking to the OP. She doesn't have any obligation to 'be kind' to someone who wouldn't take a hint and is not retaliating for her not putting up with it!

Because you are a woman you are expected to indulge him??
Why the hell should you?

Women are not support animals for men.

Needs to be a bumper sticker

Oh right it's kinder is it? They can be kind then. They are either relieved he's got someone new to bother or thankful it's not them. Either way it's not your job to be kind to someone harassing you. You've got enough on.

I wonder if Bob would be as kind should you need this level of support or interaction?

I've spent my life being kind and it's got me nowhere. When I really needed kindness people I supported for decades made things worse and then scattered.

Continue with your group and ignore or block him.

In his mind he likely was lining you up as a replacement wife. You did the right thing.

To be honest i would find a new group as that one is causing you more stress than good.

Was it kind of you to send this message to a woman with depression who has only recently found a hobby that gets her out and about socially, who could potentially lose this hobby because a man with no boundaries is overstepping hers? was it kind to imply she should get back in her shell to keep a man- who has an established social life - from getting offended?

Are YOU kind?

Bob needs to be told that his level of communication isn't appropriate. Why is everyone else at the group tiptoeing around him 🙄

Aye nae bother Bob, just you be a pain in the arse and we'll all 'be kind'. Fuck that. Bob needs to be told!!!!

Well done OP for setting clear boundries.

Why in the name of fuck does it matter?

Is it needed to make sense of the story? No.
Why are people so nosy?