AIBU to think equal inheritance for each child causes the least friction?

[UppityUpUpDoon]

Based on a couple of interitance threads, where people get upset about an inheritance split (e.g. about step grandchildren being included/not included in the inheritance or a smaller amount left to childfree silblings)

AIBU to think the least amount of friction is caused between siblings/grandchildren by leaving equal amounts to each of your children, regardless of how many children they have?

The more threads I read on this the more convinced I am that this is what I will do and I hope is what my parents will too, because it's the only split that doesn't seem to cause massive resentment. I have three siblings, each with a different amount of children and one with none (I have the most children).

But I could be wrong... Has anyone felt hard done by or fallen out with siblings when their parents have split the inheritance soley between the children (even if, say, one has no children)? And then left it to them to sort their own children out.

One exception I can think of would be if one of my children had an addiction (drugs/gambling). Then I would quite likely bypass them and leave directy with my grandchildren.

I would honestly rather leave nothing to any of them if I thought it could cause a permanent divide between them, and yet I've known so many siblings who do not talk based purely on the inheritance split (including my mum and her brother).

AIBU to think equal inheritance for each child causes the least amount of friction?

My elderly parents agonised over their will. Months and months of shall we do this, shall we do that ( they are both still alive). They have ended up with a very complicated arrangement and with me as their executor ( which I'm not happy about and will instruct a solicitor when they die). What they didn't consider or didn't really pursue was what emotions their decisions would stir up in people after they die. In my experience a death is so stressful that people can sometimes behave out if character and things can get a bit heated. I think simple straightforward arrangements are the best way to go. But if course people can leave their money to however they want.
Edited to say my parents are not super wealthy. And their long decision making was because they wanted to "do the right thing"

My dm has specified an amount that will go to each grandchild then the remainder will be split equally between me and my siblings, which I do think is fair as we have different numbers of children (and I have the least so it would work in my favour)

I think YABU, some siblings will think they have more right or need than the other.

My parents are firmly in the divide it equally camp but I'm sure dsis will expect to get more.

She became a single parent and moved back home, this has ultimately meant she's around to help them more and so she'd argue she should be rewarded. However, parents provided endless childcare - every school run, every Friday and Saturday night, every single day of school holidays. They bought her a house and a car and now a car for my niece. Niece also gets an allowance because she's unemployed. We had £1k towards our wedding, that's it in 30 years.

Then there's another issue. My parents are not rich, I'd guess there's £350k in property and a bit of cash and jewelry. That could easily get used up in care fees. So possibly there will only be an inheritance due to dsis caring for them rather than them going into care. So maybe it is right she gets more?

Who knows.

Me and my DBrother have had this debate (our parents are still with us), my DBrother has no children and is likely to never have any whereas I have one child. He said he would be happy for both of our parents to leave their houses to me and my DD, which I think is wrong! Our parents should leave to me and him and then I decide what I give to my DD or put it in a savings account for her future. Luckily my parents both agree with me, my DBrother may be settled now but things can change in the future and he may need that money.

I think people should do whatever suits them with their money.

My dad left his money to his children and his real grandchildren. My sister had 2 marriages where she has insisted her SC should be treated the same as they were apparently the same as her bio children. She is twice divorced and no longer sees any of them and neither do we. They really weren’t the same as her bio children, who still live with her and we still see.

My sister was really annoyed with my dad when she had SC, but she gets it now and is glad only her real children benefitted from his will. My other sister has SC but has never had an issue with my dads decision.

The best thing to do is to leave equally between DC. People may not be single or childless by choice so to have their inheritance reduced to benefit their nieces and nephews is a further kick in the teeth.

And best to keep your will private and not discuss it at all!

My parents split everything equally 50/50 between me and my sibling. I have two children and they have none but I felt it was totally fair and was happy with it.

Do you think it matters how well off the family are?

My dad has already told us it will be split between grandchildren, and as there are stephildren in there I don’t know the exact details. But I’m happy with this - what ever way he does the split. But then I don’t need the money and my children don’t either. It won’t be a life changing amount for them. So it is a lot easier to not be as upset. I also don’t see it as a reflection of my dad’s feelings.

My children and still young adults and have had /will have support through uni so will have no debt and help with first property.

Current will is matching with my husband, so a chunk to both of our kids and the bulk to spouse. Then on the 2nd death the estate split and the children get up to the tax limit with the remainder going to various charities. Don’t know how this will change with grandkids as not there yet.

I am in two minds. As it stands it would be split equally between my 3 DC but in time if there was a significant change of circumstances I might adjust it, if someone became disabled or had extra needs. Also if one of the DC lost out financially due to caring for either of us I would adjust too. I saw my MIL care for her mum for years and finally the sibling who lived overseas walked off with half of the inheritance. I felt that was unfair.

I think there can be exceptions but they need to be handled carefully and honestly.

A good friend of mine is nearing the end of her life and has three adult DC, one GC. The GC already has provision from a trust related to his grandfathers death.

Two of the siblings are extremely successful and wealthy. The third has had MH issues in the past which are resolved with medication, and they finally settled into buying their own house and having a job they enjoy on just above NMW.

My friend has explained to all three that her estate will be left (aside from photos and personal effects) to the less successful child so she can pay off her mortgage. This still won’t leave her as well off as her siblings but my friend feels it’s the right decision for her family.

She has discussed it and everyone is in agreement and happy with her decision. I think in the midst of grief, finding out something like this would be interpreted less well and could cause pain.

Depends on the family. DH helped out with his parents far less than his siblings. They all lived locally, we are hours away. His parents helped two siblings far more financially, they needed it at the time. The will was a straight split between them all.

We’ve split ours equally, with a small amount to each grandchild. It’s not a secret, one of our DC already has it for safekeeping.

My mother suggested 2/5 to me and my younger brother, we both have 2 children and 1/5 to our older brother who has 1 child. Both me and my younger brother both told her that she either leaves 1/5 each to her GC or 1/3 each to us and that 2/5 to us would be unfair. Personally I agree that an equal split is fair but we’re all in a relatively similar place financially. If one of us were struggling or extremely wealthy would I feel differently? I don’t know.

My parents left 30% to me 30% to my sister and 40% split between 3 grandchildren. (All my kids) my sister was angry as she saw it as ‘my family’ got 70% and she got penalised for not having children. She also got resentful that at Christmas our parents spent £30on each of us so again my family got £150 and she got £30. She resented that she spent more on us than we did on her at birthdays/ Christmas so I told her not to get me and my husband gifts. (Money wasn’t the issue she could afford it. It was the principle)
To save my kids the grief I intend to leave inheritance split 3 ways and if they have kids they can give to them as they wish.

I would def split equally although DC are only early 20s. DS more likely to have children as DD is gay, but you never know. DD may have different financial needs by then anyway. I can see that some of my friends will have sibling issues when their DPs pass though.

DH’s dm and aunts all fell out due to inheritance issues - one of them tried to make their dad change his will though - this was before I came on the scene but it meant the first cousins (7 of them) were estranged as well. Dh took the initiative about 15 years ago to reunite the cousins and it worked 🙏 even the ones from the dodgy aunt (but he doesn’t see her, his DM and other aunt aren’t alive now).

He said when they were kids they had big family gatherings but that all stopped in around 1990 when it kicked off.

I feel it has to be equal between your children; as we have 6 between us and aren't wealthy they'll get about a tenner each so I'm guessing there won't be too many arguments 😅

Oh God wills. I’m
not nor never have been money driven but it has been incredible to see the collapse of a close extended family over a meagre amount from a distant family member in a will.

Admittedly one person has, under stress, shown himself up to be a raging narcissist and they are essentially a time bomb waiting to blow, but then usual happens when petty life long squabbles, emotions and family loyalties kicks in.

I don’t even think it is particularly about money, definitely for the narcissist it has been about control but it is eye opening to see it all play out. If there are problems already in a family I can see a will often finishing them off.

I've never heard of leaving different amounts of inheritance depending on how many children you happen to have. I've got no children, my brother has two. I assume we'll just get half each.

I read the thread that inspired this one I think and understand where OPs mum is coming from.

My parents are wealthy and have already given us kids a great start. My sister has had 3 sets of step children in her life and has tried to insist we treat them the same as her biological kids each time, yet now only sees her current step children.

As my sister and I are now well off in our own right, my parents are leaving their huge estate to their biological grandchildren. I think they’re doing the right thing. My sister isn’t happy and thinks her step children should be included as apparently these ones are here to stay. 😅 My parents got attached to her first step children and were really sad when they no longer saw them, so although they have been nice to other SC, they will never get invested again and don’t want their money to go to them.

Their money, their choice. I find it incredibly rude and entitled when people try say what other people should do with their money. If anyone, including my children tried to tell me, they would be told to keep out.

So if one child didn’t have any children they wouldn’t be entitled to anything? Why should it matter how many children you have.

You're not wrong...

I would split equally between children directly, but would also leave smaller amounts separately to grandchildren. They are separate people who have their own relationships with a grandparent and it’s lovely to recognise that.
As a child when my grandma died she left all of her grandchildren £1000 - not loads or anything, but it felt very special to me.

My mum remarried. She has 5 kids (all by my dad), and her husband has 3 kids (all by his ex wife). They have a joint Will where whoever dies first, all the entire estate goes to the spouse, and when that remaining spouse dies the joint estate gets split 50/50 between the two families, the 50% is then split equally between the surviving kids in that family. So me and my siblings get one fifth of our 50%, and my step-siblings get one third of their 50%.

I think that's about as fair as you can make it, and everyone in both families seems to be happy with it.

It’s only less friction if you disregard the wishes of the person leaving the money.

What if they want to make sure their grandchildren inherit? What if they want to give them a deposit for a house? Should they just not do that with their money because it’s only “fair” if the money goes to the grabby kids?

Every grandchild is an individual in their own right, they’re not just an extension of their parents. They don’t have to wait to see if their parents have any money left when they die if the grandparents want to give directly to them.

I think it’s good to leave some to the grandchildren as the money can do the most good when you receive it in your 30s than in your 60s - for example. I plan to split mine three ways. Both children get a third, any grandchildren get a third divided between them. The grandchildren would all be separate individuals - I don’t understand people seeing this as part of ‘their share’. I will receive bugger all inheritance from anyone so also think it’s up to me what I do with my money. I have already told both children this is what I’m doing - even though neither has any children yet. I also think it’s right to explain the will before you die so you are not leaving relatives with an argument - should one arise.

My parents left everything completely 50:50 to my sibling and I and we were both completely happy and expecting that. . I have two children and my sibling only has one - but I never expected my parents to ‘equal things out’ between the three GC.We have different lifestyles and earnings and also very different inheritances through partners.
I do think it is simplest to just focus on what you are leaving as inheritance and your own children.