AIBU to think equal inheritance for each child causes the least friction?

[UppityUpUpDoon]

Based on a couple of interitance threads, where people get upset about an inheritance split (e.g. about step grandchildren being included/not included in the inheritance or a smaller amount left to childfree silblings)

AIBU to think the least amount of friction is caused between siblings/grandchildren by leaving equal amounts to each of your children, regardless of how many children they have?

The more threads I read on this the more convinced I am that this is what I will do and I hope is what my parents will too, because it's the only split that doesn't seem to cause massive resentment. I have three siblings, each with a different amount of children and one with none (I have the most children).

But I could be wrong... Has anyone felt hard done by or fallen out with siblings when their parents have split the inheritance soley between the children (even if, say, one has no children)? And then left it to them to sort their own children out.

One exception I can think of would be if one of my children had an addiction (drugs/gambling). Then I would quite likely bypass them and leave directy with my grandchildren.

I would honestly rather leave nothing to any of them if I thought it could cause a permanent divide between them, and yet I've known so many siblings who do not talk based purely on the inheritance split (including my mum and her brother).

AIBU to think equal inheritance for each child causes the least amount of friction?

Honestly I have quite a bit of experience in observing the fall outs through my line of work and can say that generally speaking, no matter what people do, there is almost always somebody who feels the outcome is unfair or unjust in some way.

If you are a totally happy family, no buried grudges or resentment, nobody secretly or maybe not to secretly keeping score of who did what and when, nobody counting on inheritance for financial reasons need-wise, and everything else is totally equal, then regardless of what is left to whom there isn’t a drama. That is a very rare situation though!

I’ve seen many a drama over inheritance being split equally been adult children because one child already has a mortgage on a house while the other is renting and wants the inheritance to get a mortgage, or where one adult child is single while the other is in a two income home, or where one is supporting 3 kids while another is supporting 1, or one adult and their partner and the other is not, or where one adult child has visited 3 times a month and done food shopping while the other has only visited once a month, or even where one adult’s partner is expected to inherit big and the other adult’s partner isn’t… this to show I suppose is that even splitting inheritance equally between children, unless all children are in exactly the same position, someone can always feel they are being fucked over.

If the grandparents only leave it to their children, then one child could leave their inheritance to their child(ren) and another to a new partner leaving their own child(ren) with nothing.
If the grandparents want their grandchildren to get inheritance the only way to guarantee that is by giving it to them. And if you are leaving to grandchildren you should do it equally between them, not dependent on how many siblings each unit has.

I have two siblings. Oldest unmarried no kids in a good job (though at 66 works part time now). Me who married a very high earning man who unfortunately died young and have two kids one at uni, and another sibling who is younger, unmarried, with a disabled child (father completely out of the picture) who will never be able to live independently.
My parents divided their estate equally.
I think it’s fair, and my own circumstances are a good reason why dividing things up based on ‘need’ is wrong. My parents could have looked at my DH’s earning and thought ‘Monday is taken care of we can give her share to another ’. But then my DH died suddenly when my kids were small and it’s only because of his life insurance that I had any money (mortgage was not insured). So my situation drastically changed (I’m comfortable now because I inherited from my parents and used the money for careful investments). My older sister earns well as I say but could not have afforded to buy a property without her inheritance as she had no partner and lives in an expensive city. And my youngest actually hadn’t had her child yet when my parents made their will (and my father died before she had her) so they didn’t know she’d have to leave her job to care for her.
So equal is best, and hope that the siblings can make adjustments between themselves as things develop.

Nightmare isn't it ? My DH and his sister are the only two on his side . So split in half we are told . My SIL is married , two kids , and comfortably off . Due to circumstances we are not as well off . But that is not her problem. Everyone lives their lives, makes financial decisions and it shouldn't be the deceased responsibility to even things up . Only decent thing is to split things fairly . I think if you want to leave extra , say if they were your carer , you should explain why .

I’m 1 of 4 I have 3 children , siblings have 3, 2 & 1 children. Parents will is split 4 equal shares between their children, as it should be for a normal family without millions of pounds involved.

Yes. Split equally between kids with a nominal amount left to each grandchild. Grandchildren shouldn't expect to inherit.

My mums eldest has additional needs, so rightfully virtually everything will go to his care assuming it isn’t needed for her care.

My husbands family are odd, the oldest son always inherits all financial assets, or if there are only girls everything is split between the girls. If his parents carry on the odd traditional he’ll make sure he gives half to his little brother.

We’ll likely leave ours 50/50 between our two children once we know how independent our daughter will be.

Yes I do. My parents are intending to leave their assets equally divided between myself and two siblings, so a third each. That's fine, that's fair. They treat us all equally.

I have 5 kids, DSis has 1 and DB had none. That's all completely irrelevant imo. My parents are leaving stuff to their DC. I will leave my assets divided equally between my kids.

It’s not always as simple as that though

ive worked my ass off all my life so far to get where I am and sibling has not. He has been financially supported his entire life via my parents and has no children to leave money to (he has children but long story)

I am the executor and organiser of absolutely everything inc lpa for both parents.
my sibling literally does nothing at all other than manipulate to get what he wants and gets it.
none of the financial help given whilst my parents are alive has not and will not be accounted for in the will.

I have children and did point out that it would leave a slightly bitter pill if sibling walked away with equal amounts meaning I would have a lot less after helping my dc aswell,and not forgetting he has already received a large large house deposit,vehicles,private education fees etc all of which I have never ever even been offered or asked for.

he would have nothing to do with managing the estate and paperwork at all I can guarantee and nor would he want to.

before my parents mentioned sorting out wills his response was not to even consider asking him to help with any of it as he wouldn’t be doing any of it.

Its not about the money at all before anyone says so,it’s the hurt and disappointment at not being acknowledged for the fact I haven’t drained their finances in life

Im also always the sibling that pays when I take my parents anywhere (inc Christmas lunches out every year,extra days added to holidays or upgrades etc because they’re my parents and I love them and like to treat them )
my brother has never done anything nice for them their whole life.

It’s not all black and white

I think depending on the family it’s always either absolutely fine regardless of split or someone is pissed off regardless of split.

My Nana, when my grandad died, worked out the value of their estate at that point. I lived with her and I was only 12 so to protect me if she died while I was a minor she sold their beautiful house that grandad had built and moved us into a tiny flat (in a dodgy area) in agreement with my Aunt, my uncle and my siblings (I was the youngest sibling by over 10 years). They got their shares at that point (my siblings and I were getting our fathers share) and my share was used to buy the flat on the understanding that I inherited it when she died. Basically so I wasn’t homeless if she died when I was still young.

She died when I was 20. I spent the last 5 years juggling her care, as she developed dementia, with school and uni, then she had to go into a care home. When she died I inherited about £1000 more than my aunt & uncle and just over two hundred pounds more than my siblings - had she survived longer I’d have inherited nothing as the home were charging against the flat. One of my brothers caused so much fuss about the unfairness of it I actually had to write him a cheque for £246 in the end to stop the fuss.

DH’s granny is 104 and she’s got 9 surviving children (she’s outlived 6 bless her) and very openly says she’s going to leave whatever she’s got to whoever she wants that week 😂 She’s been in a beautiful care home for many years now so she basically has the minimum you’re allowed left and she has left strict instructions for the funeral tea so it’s a running joke among everyone that whoever is her fave the week she dies will inherit about a fiver.

My ILs have divided everything equally between their children, no provisions for grandchildren. We know this as DH is one of the executors and they gave him copies of their wills. I think they've done this because when DH's grandma died, two of her children had a big falling out and never spoke again. No idea of the details but it was related to her estate.

So, they want to keep everything simple. DH and I have done the same, 50:50 to our two children.

We're leaving all to each other, then when the last of us goes - each of 3 grandchildren will get a fixed percentage and the rest will be equally shared between their two fathers, our two sons. Should a son predecease us, his wife/partner will get his share. But they're going to have to wait a while yet!

I think its weird when people count what their and their siblings children get as part of their share and use that to claim its unfair.
If my mum gives me and my sister a tenner each and gives my 2 kids and her 1 kid a tenner each, I've not been given 30 quid while shes been given 20.

Some people are not at their best when sniffing around other peoples money.

It's not favouring one child if grandchildren are left an amount in their own right. The inheritance would belong to the grandchild not the parent.

Exactly

YABU because it's no one else's business to say how someone's estate should be divided.

In theory, from what PIL have said in the past, DH will get 2/3 and his brother 1/3. This is to offset the best part of £100K the PIL gave to the younger son each time he got into financial difficulties. (It won't even touch the sides, in reality - I expect it will be more like £40k to DH and £20K to BIL, but it doesn't really matter) BIL is aware abs thinks that's fine because "I got my inheritance early".
(Personally I think it will go in care fees for MIL so it's all moot)

Another close relative has divided the estate 50/50 between one of their children, and the grandchildren on the other side because there are reasons their other adult child can't sensibly have access to large sums of money.

A third relative has put the bulk of assets in a trust to cover care costs of their severely disabled child. Their other children are perfectly at one with this.

People make decisions based on what works for them. There isn't a one size fits all.

From what I can see, people (on MN but maybe in RL) forget that they are lucky to be included. It could have all been left to the cat - Lagerfeld.

Thus, there is no way to divide an estate that will please everyone so make the choices you prefer and know that when you've turned up your toes there may be lots of grumbling rather than the gratitude there should be. There are several examples up thread of people making sensible allocations but specific to their situations. If you want, leave it all to your favourite, whoever that is. I am jolly grateful that DH left 99% to me and named me as sole executor.

Ultimately, you won't be there for the grumbling and the remaining 'adults' will have to manage their feelings... If you think they will be 'confused', you can leave a letter with your will, explaining your allocations ('I leave everything to my 6 cats' PJ O'Rourke).

This is true for many families & it is often the ‘difficult ‘ child who ends up inheriting more! My elder DB has had a lot of help from DPs over the years, financially & with child care, emotional support etc. I’ve had no financial support as an adult & not much emotional support or help with DC, but I still think it’s fairer for my parents to split the (very small) inheritance equally between us all.

As fat as I know, nobody on either my or my ex-husband!s side ever specifically left anything to any grandchildren in a will. When the first parent died, the surviving parent had everything until their death, when anything from the sale of a house, plus their savings and investments, were split between the adult offspring regardless of whether they had children or not.

My subling never married and lived at home when our mother died, her will let them remain in the house for their lifetime so if my sister or I die first, our share will be divided between our adult children.

Speaking as someone who only got 1/8 of my mother's estate rather than the 1/2 my sister got, it's very unfair.

The reason? I'd "brought shame on her" by getting divorced.

My sister and her husband are likely to inherit around £1 million from his parents. We are likely to inherit around £30k from my in laws. They are also substantially richer than us (mainly because she married a doctor and I didn't but also ill health on my side)
My mum asked me if they should give me more than my sister. I told her to absolutely not to do this as my sister would be really sad and feel less loved. She is generous anyway and often pays for meals out before we even get the bill. But it would feel hurtful at a time when tensions and emotions are likely high.

My sibling and I have two children each and our mother recently died and left half to me and half to my sibling's two children. AFAIK my sibling is not a gambler. I can only assume either she felt she'd already helped them/their spouse enough (help to buy a property which we didn't get, though we didn't need it) or she was worried my sibling is bad with money in general (they did make some bad investments around the time she made her will).
Edit to say: my sibling is being quite grown up about it though I imagine it rankles. I'm an executor and they aren't so I'm also feeling the pressure to be grown up.

Really? DH has 2 DS. DS55 lives 1.5 hours away and visits 4-5 times a year. DS 52 lives 3 hours away and visits every 2-3 years. Both call montly or weekly.
We live 20 minute walk.
Visit 3-4 times per week. Sort out all finances, ferry to hospital appointments, call daily and take calls constantly. Deal with all health problems, computer problems, which bin goes out........
But yeah equal split perfect when one have given up their life and many aspects of their life to support DP.

I think ideally an equal split is the best option to avoid hurt feelings but there can be scenarios where that’s not always the best option.

Id like to think if I was wealthy and my sibling wasn’t that I’d be okay with a different split.

My parents aren’t leaving it equally - I get 10% more than my sibling as their children are included in the split and also they are a drug addict who are barely around and have had much more monetary help over the years than I have.

It causes the least friction, as beneficiaries can’t really contest it.
But I wouldn’t say it prevents resentment.

My parents did the equal split, but I did feel it was a bit unfair because they didn’t give us the same starts in life and so naturally those that had free rides through Uni and/or house deposits were much better off than those of us who had no help. It is all acknowledged between us, but no one is willing to go against our parents wishes and redistribute the estate to close the inequitable consequences of our parents’ past decisions.