Have you ever known the woman to leave the family home and leave the kids behind? (title edited by MNHQ at request of the OP)

[Iliketocallthemsmilelines]

Or did you leave yourself?

It seems to be very rare, but it surely must happen

yep. My mum did. She was struggling with post natal depression that she was never given support for. She left when I was 10 years old walked out one day, came home from school and she’d left a note saying she’d be back by 4pm and she never came home. Reported herself safe to the police and started a new life, leaving 3 children at home. She hasn’t wanted contact with me or my siblings and it’s now been 20 years. Me and my siblings have tried to reach out to her over the years and she hasn’t ever wanted to know. she had no contact with any other family either e.g her brother who she was close to.

Why is it kids are called " abandoned" if the mother leaves but not if it's the father leaving?

It's very telling, isn't it?
Mothers are held responsible, and fathers aren't always. Like the person who said the woman "trapped" a man into marriage. Very emotive language. You don't hear of a man "trapping" a woman into marriage.

My husband’s mum left them when he was 11 and his sister was 9. They were brought up by their dad. She’s still with the man she left their dad for - just a shame he’s not a very nice man.

I’m biased obvs but their dad did a great job raising them.

This is is exactly what happened with me. I'm so thankful to my friend for giving me a place to live while I figured everything out and got on my feet so I could provide a home for my DC.

My ex MIL did.
My ex was 12 and his sister was 10. They got home from school one day and she'd just gone. No note. Taken all her clothes and left. They didn't see her for 2 weeks when they discovered she'd been having an affair.
My ex husband didn't trust women. Heavy drinker and drug user, so utterly controlling and possessive. His behaviour drove us apart but I think his issues stemmed from his mum leaving.
I always had a good relationship with her. She clearly wanted to step up and be a good grandmother and she really has been. If it weren't for her I wouldn't have been able to train as a nurse because sadly my ex barely had out child after we split up.
Women leave more often than people realise.

yes my friend did. Her son was quite young too.

I didn’t know her hubby at the time or what happened there, but she said she didn’t feel any maternal instinct for the child.
Hubby moved the son away and she fought to keep the (her, IHO) house, albeit her version might be not exactly accurate.

I still don’t get how that traps him into marriage? Did she self impregnate? Steal his sperm when he wasn’t looking?

Sexism.

I did do this year, the day before Mother's Day. My husband was abusive and I left whilst suicidal . His family live nearby in a big house but he'd always said he'd never leave, so I knew I had to. I rent nearby. I have two children. The youngest is with me 50%. The eldest hasn't spoken to me since. Their father said the eldest was not happy to have me in the house. In the end, on top of everything else, I couldn't bear the thought of my child being so unhappy. It feels like I lost everything due to abuse. As someone who did it, the shame is very real. For a mother to leave and have a child who is not in contact with them.leads to assumptions that I must have done something terrible. The abuse continues and noone recognises it.

I could never do this. It's just unfathomable

Yes my mother left when I was 10 and my brother was 12.

We kids stayed with my dad, my mother didn't take us.

It has caused so much harm.

My mum did. Had an affair and left. I stayed with my Dad in the family home and saw her about once a week, once I'd forgiven her - I was about 14 and didn't speak to her for a while.

I will add that our relationship has never fully recovered. I see and speak to her now, she has a relationship with her grandchildren but there's always something there preventing me from ever getting too close again.

It's not the leaving. People separate all the time and there's nothing wrong with kids staying with fathers. It was the feeling that she didn't really give a fuck about me at the time and willingly chose to do something that would hurt me. It was the point when I realised she would actually always put herself first when it came down to It, not me. The person I thought loved me more than anything in the world woke up one day and just couldn't be arsed with me anymore. I was an after thought, and an inconvenience preventing her from living the life she wanted at the time. It shaped my life pretty negatively in some ways. I spent quite a few of my teen years depressed, stopped doing as well at school / college etc... I really felt quite lost in the world at that time of my life. My dad did his best but it's hard to cover for a mum who was there and present one moment and then decided she couldn't really be arsed being a mum anymore the next. It was really quite painful as a young teenager.

As a mother myself now I cannot understand it and it still shapes a lot of my decision making to this day. I don't ever want my children to experience a moment of how it felt to feel like your mother has just had enough of you suddenly.

I think she told him she was on the pill, but lied about it.

I know two women who did this.

The first was working in Australia when she met and married a guy. Relationship didn’t work out. She was desperate to move back to the UK and he wouldn’t let their child leave, so she came back alone. He now lives with his mum to raise her daughter. In the five years I’ve known her, she has never visited, but they do have regular video calls. I’ve never asked why she never visited as whilst curious, I don’t need to know, but I suspect there’s more to the story.

Another is a family member. She met an Australian guy here and moved over. They married and had a child. Turned out her husband had serious mental health issues and was also violent and abusive. It was more his family rather than him, but they wouldn’t let her leave with their son so she left him with her husband’s family. She came back to the UK, soon met a great guy who is wealthy and they got married. He worked with her to get her son back and he’s now a great stepfather - very much treats him like his own son and the same as the other children they had together.

I had a neighbour who was a SAHM, husband bought her everything she asked for, including a spaniel pup and one of those hairless cats. She had them for about 4 months and turns out she had been having an affair with a school friend she met agan on SM. She left her two daughters aged 7 & 10 but took the dog and cat. I could never understand that. As far as I am aware the girls never heard from her again.

I’ve been reading this post thinking how do people know so many women who’ve left their children behind- only to suddenly remember not one but two neighbours who did - on the same street!

One was an Irish family, two boys. One was two years older than me so around 10/11 when she left. The other son was maybe 15, and was ‘bad’ not sure what he did but maybe always getting arrested. Anyway never saw her again till they were much older- we were adults by then and I was shocked when I saw her. Super specific but their dad had a routine where he’d go to Sainsbury’s everyday and walk back with two bags of shopping. Every day. Except Sundays!

The other was a Ghanaian family, I think at least 4 kids. Same as with the other family it was never mentioned. We used to all play together - the 90s - had a habit of all playing out on our street but no one ever mentioned either of their mothers.

I saw the Ghanaian one again too- in adulthood. It was more of a shock as she looked completely different and seemed to have been living a party life for the decade plus that she wasn’t around. Eldest son lived a life of mischief after and was sent away.

Such a surprise as they were both nice normal mums- and dads - from what i knew. Never know what was really happening though.

Just remembered I actually know 3:
First one I know the man. Woman was early 20s and quite juvenile - not ready to settle down yet, but had had two children with him (he was a little older but only late 20s.
She used to go out clubbing a lot and leave him with the toddlers. Eventiually she met a much older man (in his 40s) and just moved out and left him with the kids. She did make contact eventually and saw them but they lived with him full time and are young adults now.

Second was a guy my age who's mum walked out when he was younger and his dad raised him. I don't know the circumstance but I know he sees her very very rarely.

Third was a woman I know, her marriage fell apart. hey had one child who was about 14. She moved out into rented then bought a place. Then child lived at both parent's houses but eventually settled in with mum. She didn't abandon her as such, and it all worked out in the end, parents are on good terms too.

My mum did a version of this.
When I was 11 my dad left for a year awful year I had to look after her whilst she drunk and slept the whole time.Then he came back then my mum left. I assumed at some point it would be 50/50 or set weekends but it never materialised. She just floated in and out of My life with no routine or schedule. She'd miss birthdays Christmas it would go months on end in-between seeing her.

It was complicated my dad and his family are very abusive and she is still a alcoholic to this day. I don't think her intention was to up and leave. But she never fought for us or saw us regularly. I just can't imagine not fighting more to see my children no matter how hard it was.

That's terrible. Fancy leaving your own kids in an abusive situation and just saving yourself.

Yes, my mother did.

After she cheated she was no longer welcome in mine and my Dad’s home, and I didn’t want anything to do with her.

33years since my mum left. I was at my aunt and uncles. Dad came panicking saying that mum had been reported missing she had left saying she was going to the shop and didn't come back. I was 9 almost 10..she left behind me and two sisters. Didn't see her for ages cos she refused to say where she was living. She had moved on with another woman her friend and our best friends mum and was living with her and her kids. She tried to justify not bothering with her own kids many years later and wanted to know her own when we were all adults with kids of our own. I tried many times to give her chances until she tried to take my two youngest kids and coax them into living with her and I cut all contact for good

My husbands ex left him and the kids. Saw the kids on and off for a couple of years, then nothing. Eldest is 16 and youngest is 12. They were 5, 3and 2 at the time.
Her mum did it to her and her mum also. It’s a crazy cycle I’m hoping will be broken with DD (who I 100% consider my daughter)
All the kids have mental health issues specifically rejection and I get so angry with her when issues rear their head. Not in front of the kids though. With the kids we keep things factual, she had mental health issues, she decided she doesn’t want contact. That’s not your fault etc etc. the hardest thing is she now has a 10 year old daughter. Every now and then she’ll send the kids a card with a photo of her and dd. It’s impossible for us, do we keep it from the kids or give it to them. And heart breaking for them to see her “perfect new life”

Why not? Genuinely curious.