Have you ever known the woman to leave the family home and leave the kids behind? (title edited by MNHQ at request of the OP)

[Iliketocallthemsmilelines]

Or did you leave yourself?

It seems to be very rare, but it surely must happen

Yes - left the house and child. I was only young when it happened (12) so I didn't realise the gravity of it tbh until I had my own child...

She wanted to party and live her life as she was only 22. Years later, she still doesn't have any contact with the child, which she regrets massively now she's in her late 40s.

My mother did, she left me and my siblings behind, I was 17 my youngest sister was 3, she was having an affair with a much younger man and left to be with him. Although I knew about the affair it was a she didn't leave a note or any contact details, it was a total shock. My stepfather traced her and begged her to come back but she was adamant that she wanted this new life. It didn't turn out the way she hoped and she became a victim of domestic violence, she left him 3 times, unfortunately always returning. My mother died aged just 73, a hopeless alcoholic. As a mother myself I can never understand how she could not only leave her children but basically cut them out of her life, I could never do that..

I left - my kids were young adults and that was their home. My husband would never have moved out and also because I had made the decision I felt guilty so I left whilst we sold the house. The plan was always for the kids to live with me once I found a permanent residence. As it was I ended up buying him out and myself and the kids now all live together. It was the right thing for us at the time but I would never have done it if the kids had been younger but we talked about it and came to that decision. I suspect your post is referring to younger children but it wasn’t easy at all even with them being older. However very quickly they could see why I had made that decision and we as our own family unit are stronger than ever.

Nice woman, did you forgive her or nc ?

Yes! My good friend/next door neighbour is a single father of three. At the time of the mum leaving, the children were F13, M8, F5 (our kids are all the same age).

He was temporarily working nights, getting home at 9am. 13YO was waking up to notes from Mum asking if she could get her younger siblings ready and take them to school as she'd "had to go out" (to see affair partner). All came out when 13YO told her Dad she was looking forward to him doing normal hours again because she hated getting her siblings ready and taking them to school. It also later came out that the youngest isn't biologically his and is instead the child of someone else she'd had an affair with, who she'd planned to leave with, but he'd told her he wasn't allowed to see any of his other children due to DV convictions against their mums, so she stayed. This was about 7 years ago now

The difference here to my situation is that the plan was for the children to live with you once it was all sorted.
My mum had an affair and left when my brother and I were teens. She never even asked if we wanted to go and live with her (we didn’t, but it would have been nice to be wanted!). She just set up home an hour away with the OM.

I am so sorry that this happened to you and it must have been incredibly difficult for you. The circumstances are totally different and you are right my plan was to eventually live with the kids.

My friend did. Partly because she thought it would get ugly with a custody battle and didn’t want to put the children through that. Partly because she knew her new partner wouldn’t be good with the children.

It deeply affected her relationships with the children and one of them still doesn’t trust her many years later. I’m sure it can work out but I think it would take a lot of effort and maybe family therapy to manage it.

I know men leave all the time but they’re not usually the primary carer which is why it needs more organisation and input from the mother to help the children through the transition.

a neighbour did.
however, if wasn't really voluntary.
they were part of a strict religion (ond of the ones going door to door) and she needed an abortion for health reasons. she was ostracised by the 'church' and had to leave the home and her children.

Of all the threads on Mumsnet, this is possibly the saddest and most depressing.

My high school best friend’s mother left on Christmas Eve when he was 13 and refused contact ever since. As I age I can see her side but I do think punishing the child as well was horrendous. He tried reaching out when he was 18 and she went to the police.

DP’s mother upped and left when he was 12-13 too. I have never met a more selfish, stranger woman in my life. It like there was no emotion in her.

I did twice, not by choice. First husband left me for a someone else and left me and 2 young kids, minimal furniture, almost derelict house. He moved in with parents, it was best for the kids (early 1980s)
Second partner, ex cop and prison officer and a massive cf control freak, physically threw me out. I didnt stand a chance. Homeless at 40.
There's such a bad rep for women like me but so many men walk and dont look back 🤷‍♀️ I have a great relationship with my adult kids though 💓

I get very cross on Mumsnet when people say 'the only answer to an abuser is to leave them' because of exactly this situation.

Women (and occasionally men) can be in a horrendous, impossible situation. Put up with abuse, or lose the children and leave them in the hands of the man (or occasionally woman) abusing them. Leave, and leave the children alone with a terrible role model, or stay and teach the females to put up with abuse, and the males that it's okay to abuse.

It's Hell.

Yes. Years of domestic abuse, including financial and psychological abuse, undermined her confidence to a massive extent. When she finally left she couldn’t afford to rent somewhere for her and the kids. When she finally could, the three kids (aged 10 - 15) had accepted the father’s version of reality and would have nothing to do with her. The eldest left when he was 17 as his father’s abuse had switched to him. He didn’t see his father for a decade. He did re-establish a relationship with his mother years later but the two younger ones never did

My cousin's wife did this, many years ago. She trapped him into marriage when she was still very young (18 or so, if I remember correctly), and their first child was born five months later. They subsequently had another child. When the eldest was 6 and the youngest was 3, she decided that having children was too much of a tie for her, and walked out. They divorced, and the children were brought up by their dad and his second wife.

another example.

woman is the higher earner (by a lot) and work closed the local office.
choice of giving notice and lose income or relocate.
h and dc didn't want to move. and that was it.

My dh’s mum left when they were early teens. They continued living with their dad in the family home. It did cause a lot of relationship difficulties right through to when she died. But she turned out to be a very loving and caring grandmother and my dh was very happy about that.

I did, I was with a controlling manipulator. Who woukd not agree on the splitting of the assets. I had a New Life waiting for me and a Bun in oven that he threatened to kill when born. So it was no brainer.

This happened to my son in law. His mother left when he was 11 and his sister 8 because she fell in love with someone else. He was emotionally damaged for some years despite the wonderful father he lived with and eventually a new step mum. One of the main problems was that she moved to the other end of the country so contact was limited and only when another adult could transport them. Very hard to maintain a meaningful relationship with mother. Easier now they are adults but clearly lots of regrets all round remain. If you do it, try and stay physically close .

My mum did

I assume you mean not be the resident parent?

My friend did this. She has a son who lives with his father (in another country) and she sends money / visits. It was mutually agreed as they both felt “boys should be with fathers”.

It’s bemusing to me how vitriolic people are towards her for not being the primary carer with primary custody. Another friend of mine commented very negatively when she heard as she thinks her living in a different country makes her questionable parent. But she thinks her daughter’s father is an incredible parent despite him also living in a separate country to their daughter.

Yes. She met someone from the US and went there to live with him and left her two young boys with their father. She then had 2 more kids with the man she had gone to the US with and then left them too and married a third man.

As far as I know, she couldn[t even visit the first 2 children (at least for a couple of years) as she was an illegal overstayer in the US and couldn´t leave and come back.

My mum did. She left my dad and didn't take any of us with her. No contact as she chose not to when we were kids. She soon wanted to know once we were adults and she found out she had grandkids though. I have nothing to do with her at all

I know someone who left their husband and children. I don’t know the circumstances but very soon afterwards she was living with another man and his children. Saw her out and about, incredibly happy, if you didn’t know you’d assume that the kids were hers and that was her family.

She didn’t see her own young children at all but now they are teenagers she’s sees the daughter sporadically but her son has never had anything to do with her again.

The husband has never moved on. Neither of them had any more biological children.