To contact social services?

[DramaKarmaLlama]

We live on an estate and my daughter plays with a little girl sometimes who is 7. We were sat in the garden and the little girl said to me “I had a bath last night. I stayed at my grandads for the first time and he nearly touched my private’s while washing me” I said have you told your mummy? Only mummies are allowed to do that and just while washing. She then got a bit upset and started saying it was only nearly and while he was washing her, so I left it.
her mum isn’t very approachable and I’ve had a couple of run ins with her, so I’m not sure it’s something I could bring up with her.

what do I do with this information?

General rule of thumb is if you think something is off, report it. It might be something, it might be nothing, but you feel strongly enough to make a whole thread about it, so that says to me you need to report it.

Tell the mum or report it if your guts telling you too

I think it's a bit strange that you think only mums are allowed to wash their children. Nothing wrong with dads, grandads or grans doing it in my book, though 7 is a bit old to need someone to wash you and I would wonder why she brought it up.

7 year olds are capable of washing themselves. My 8 Year old washes himself, I just have to remind him to wash his hair (which he has always hated) and his finger nails (how boys nails get so dirty is beyond my understanding).
I Don't think I've washed his privates for years.
However families are different. As she told you I would bring it up regardless of how the mum is. If she lets her child play with you alone clearly there is some level of trust and relationship there. You Don't need to be accusatory, just state facts, e.g. DD said xyz and got upset, just thought you should know. If however she says anything again or you are worried I would contact Social Services because if it's the worst case scenario I would never forgive myself.

Edit to add...... Men should not be excluded from assisting children to bathe. My son loved having a bath with his dad when he was little and his grandad showered him. However at 7 I still think, unless there are other issues children are more than capable of washing themselves. At 8 I prompt my son, I would only wash him if he were I'll or had an accident.

It was more the way she felt the need to tell me he nearly touched her private’s. It seems an odd thing for a child to come out with. When she said she had never stayed there before too made me feel a bit more uneasy about it.

I don’t particularly think that as my mum and dad bath my kids, but at the same time I’d feel a bit worried if they came to me and said something similar.

I’m not sure I see this as “off”, grandad washed his granddaughter in the bath and almost touched her private while washing her? I sometimes wash down dd1 aged 6 with a flannel over her body, I don’t see the difference. The same goes for if DH is doing bath time.

you say “only mummies can do that and only while washing” but grandad was bathing her and it was while washing?

I guess in my mind I’m just worried he was using washing her as a reason. It could be innocent or it might not be I guess.

You really need to say something. You are right, it's the fact she told you. It is hopefully and most likely innocent, but you have a duty to share with her mum, especially as she got upset

I think you are wrong for saying only mummy's can do that, as pointed out by several people, there is nothing wrong with a dad, or grandparents giving a young child a bath.

Having said that, my child is the same age and whilst I help wash his hair, he washes his body independently and has done for some time. As she has mentioned it, I think you should tell her mum. Hopefully its nothing sinister.

Do you think the same of your father?

why say to a 7yr old child only mummies should bathe them when you a) don’t believe that and b) thats not what happens to your own child.

if anything untoward was happening, she wouldn’t be inclined to try and tell you again because of how you shamed her. You know because 7yr old impressionable child.

tell the mum and if you still feel off, report it

@Sensiblesal father, no. Grandfather - yes. He used to abuse my mum using excuses he had to wash her or put cream on her chest. If my own daughter said the same thing about my Dad I’d probably stop him from bathing her to be honest. Maybe it’s just my own history being too cautious

Do you know what school she goes to? Can you report through there if you're worried about it getting back to you/affecting relationship with the family, and you don't feel comfortable sharing yourself with children's safeguarding team?

I would report it. If there’s nothing to be found then no harm done, but on the chance that there could be something you really do need to report it.

As others have said if it feels off then report it.

Though I wonder if you made her feel upset when you said only mummies wash children and that's why she then seemed a bit off afterwards.

I would try and refrain from comments like that. You don't know the mum that well so do you know their circumstances? Maybe there is no gran and grandad looks after her while mum works in the evening so is responsible for bath and bed.

No such thing as overcautious here. I would see this as you speaking from an informed position.

I work in a job where I have a lot of safeguarding team contact and most of what I report comes to nothing. On the rare occasion I pick something meaningful up, it makes a world of difference for a child.

Trust your instincts. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then act.

Agree. Plenty of pervy granddad's about unfortunately.

You can if you want as if it’s all innocent then it won’t hurt and if it’s not innocent she needs help.

However you’re wrong that only mums can wash a child and it’s strange to try and teach someone else’s child your personal rules. Dad and grandparents and aunts and uncles are all fine to bathe a small child. What you want me to leave my nephew covered in mud/poo/beans all night because I’m babysitting and mum isn’t there?

Think you should report. As you say it’s the fact she told you. If age 7 she genuinely needed help to wash then the fact he helped would not have flagged as something worth mentioning for her. But she made an effort to tell you. Maybe it was innocent, maybe it’s innocent but she feels uncomfortable, maybe this is the start of something sinister. Social workers can speak to her and clarify and drop the case if there is nothing to worry about.

I say this as a mother of a child whose dad hurts him. I’m recorded as a difficult parent so when I report things nothing happens. He regularly makes disclosures to others. I’d say upwards of 20 times I’ve had people come to me saying he said x y z. I say yes his dad is violent that why I left but ss are never concerned when it’s me reporting what son says. One time only has it been the person he disclosed to who made a report. My son told them he had been strangled by his father and they close the case. If your concerns are unfounded there really won’t be fall out that a child could be removed wrongfully. They get left far far too long in most cases

From aged 4 surely you run the water for the bath, tests it's not too hot and the DC gets in and washes themselves. DC need help with washing hair and finger nails but from 4 a DC should be able to wash themselves unless have SEN. I'd speak to the mother and if she is defensive I'd report to SS.

She told you because she senses she can trust you with this information, which clearly feels "off" to her as well as you. You need to support her, but speaking to her DM is not the way to go. It will get back to the little girl that you told her DM and she may well feel her trust was broken. After all she told you, and not as far as known, her own DM. Perhaps she knows her DM would not challenge the grandad. it is possible that all it would achieve is nothing being done about a possible predator and the child herself feeling alone and let down, and unprotected.
So go to social services and let them deal with it. It may be something, maybe nothing, but it needs an outsider to look into it.🌸

It's the fact she told you that bothers me. I don't think grandad being totally comfortable washing his 7 year old granddaughter, who was totally comfortable being washed by him, is wrong, but if he's been washing since she was a baby and she is still happy him to wash her, why would she tell you? Unless he said something like "your too old for your grandad to wash you now" and it worried her.

Tell her school.

I think I said the wrong phrase as I’m not the most eloquent of people. Obviously having them in the bath is fine and as long as they have the parents trust and consent any adult can bathe them. I just wanted to try to get across to her in the most child friendly way possible that it’s not normal to have her private’s touched. I actually think it’s only me who actually gets a sponge and wipes my DD’s front and back in bath.
As I say maybe I’ve found it a bit triggering due to personal experience and I do have a distrust of men around girls maybe more than I should have because of that.
I just found it an odd thing for her to come out with. I know her mum doesn’t work, I think the grandad has just got his own house/flat as she said it’s the first time she’s stayed over and he was living with them at one point.

My girls are 4 and 6 and I will still sometimes wipe them over with a flannel if I don’t think they’ve done a great job or they refuse and DH would do the same.

my 6 year old will also sometimes ask us to dry her when she’s tired

I know exactly which school she goes to and that’s a good idea I wouldn’t have thought of. Thank you x