Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

Why is SIL in this position though?

The poster didn’t say she blamed the parents, she blames the schools for the lack of education on the subject.

I would expect that as a multimillionaire she will have accountants protecting her money with trust funds etc and her estate will not be paying the same rate of Inheritance Tax as smaller one will! As the American Leonora Helmsley said 'Taxes are for the little people', although she did eventaully serve time for various scams.

OP is the SiL. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5068491-rich-parent-doesnt-help-very-poor-adult-child?page=5

I'm obviously not privy to her finances. Looking in from the outside she travelled alot in her 20's and 30's, doing stuff like bar work in Greece, and was probably only just covering her rent and food with nothing left over to save. She came back here in her 40's and managed to get a very small house with whatever savings she did have, but that meant getting on the ladder in her 40's. Then she met someone and had 2 daughters in quick succession. I am guessing that mortgage payments must be high, as she can't have a huge term given her age? She can only work part time around the children, and this is in a supermarket on minimum wage. I think she earns about £1k a month. Her partner is also on min wage working in a shop.

Yes it’s very hurtful to have wealthy relatives that could easily help out but choose not to! My husband’s grandparents were very wealthy people but saw us struggling with two small children for a few years. We never ever asked for money. They would pout if we declined eating out with them as we obviously couldn’t afford to eat out. They advised us to eat jam sandwiches at mealtimes to save some money?!!! Wtf?!! My youngest had a medical condition that meant that bread would trigger it. So we avoided bread in her diet to help her suffer less attacks. The grandma knew this yet suggested it anyway! The grandma eventually needed a carer and asked if I could do it, I politely declined! I did it for my mum and am doing it for my dad now but would never do it for her. A bag of fruit, meat and vegetables would have been very much welcomed from them, but it never ever happened. When they died an insane amount was left to a few of their children. My fil bought a second home and 2 cars with some of his! I don’t know why they were so stingy!! I could never imagine not giving food to those closest to me, struggling. Fortunately we’re in a much better position now and do not need any help. But I’ll never forget that they never helped us during our time of need.

She sounds mean and tightfisted but YABU for using the term “boomer” and trying to generalise. If she’s nearly 80 she just scrapes in to being in the “boomer” generation.
Not everyone born between 1946 and 1964 is rolling in money and tightfisted.
Rephrase it, “Is my very rich MIL mean for watching her daughter struggle without helping and never paying for anything?”
I’m a so called boomer and wish I could afford to be more generous to my children and grandchildren.

.....................................................................

I've seen enough.

Lunch break over.

Well, its not the choice I would make. If I had money I would want to use it to help the people I love. But, it is her money and her choice and you just have to accept thst.

The disparity between your MIL and SIL seems unusual. How do have a multi millionaire parent and end up poor? The rich people I’ve known have always guided their children into rich lives, even if they haven’t actually given them money, by ensuring they are directed into well paid jobs etc.

Oh God, here we go again. The regular 'slagging off Boomers' thread.

Ageist shite.

Well you seem to have done very nicely in the last two years - the last time you posted you were on the bones of your arse and couldn’t put the heating on in the winter. And yet here, you’re managing to help out your own kids with house deposits and weddings, and paying for meals out. What changed ?

Some people are just not very giving, no matter how much money they have. John Paul Getty had pay phones in the corridors of his mansion- no family or guests had access to a free phoneline- he was one of the wealthiest men in the world at the time.

I can absolutely see why this is baffling and frustrating.

Sounds like the money came from her rich late husband as you mention her "boyfriend".

I find it very selfish and absolutely not how I would treat my children and grandchildren.

You might not inherit ? No inheritance is guaranteed as MN is fond of saying.

No adult is entitled to assume they should have access to their parents money or other assets while their parents are alive. Circumstances can change overnight, but for those that can afford it a bit generosity doesn't go amiss when your adult offspring are clearly struggling in a much harder world. I wonder if she is leaving her house to her boyfriend and all the Inheritance tax implications of that to resolve?..

So while she could have been getting an education/career/pension/decent savings, she chose to travel and have a good time and then have kids in her 40s when she could barely support herself. Exactly why should we be feeling sorry for her? She's not a 20 year old victim of the current economic climate/AI taking jobs etc. She's someone who, like most of us, could have established herself in the early 2000s and be comfortably getting by under her own steam by now.

@hoarderofthedough you've nailed it in three words. She doesn't care.
Not all parents are devoted and some consider their duty done once the offspring are adults.
It's anathema to me, my children and grandchildren are always my priority and they are supported to the max. But it's my choice rather than an obligation.
At least there will be no need for your MIL's offspring to reciprocate support if she needs it in the future. You can all stand back and let her pay for any care she needs.

Late boomer here, I agree with you - I don't get it either and the disparity here is really shocking. And the thing is no one will say anything because that would be seen as "grabby" or entitlement and "she can spend her money on what she likes". To me it is just natural to want to help the next generation along - it is what all long lived societies do naturally anyway.

I'm not sure of the answer - just match her, I guess - pleasantness/politeness but not sharing too much of yourselves. And maybe your SIL needs to say "sorry mum, we'd love to see you but we just can't afford to go out for a meal/entertain in style so maybe just come round for a cup of tea", not burning any bridges but spending their own money on things that are for them.

People complain abiut boomers. Free uni fees. What they dont include is that only those with top grades got places. Along comes Tony Blair with his education education education and bingo everyone became a genius, even those who could barely string a sentence together. Let em all in!!
Able to buy a house on one wage. My Dad had to do 2 jobs, my mum worked from home as a seamstress, no central heating, we didnt even have a TV till I was about six. Very few could afford a car. Had to walk in all weathers
"Children should be seen and not heard" a paedophiles paradise. Those who tried to speak out were disbelieved at best. At worst a sound thrashing and never speak of it again.
Lest we forget that even into the 70s many women had to resign thought pregnancy. Maternity leave? What's that?
Marital rape was not a crime (yes, really!)
Very little in the way of sick pay. Our next door neighbours had to rely on charity when Dad became ill.
No universal credit top ups. You had to get a second job.
No free child care hours.
So yeah being a boomer is top. There they are swanning around the houses they scrimped saved and went without to buy, rocketing in price through no fault of there own.
But they didnt whinge and complain about how tough life can be.
They just got on with it

Your SIL and partner are feckless idiots and I wouldn't want to fund them either.
My kids in their 20s are working hard to get an education, save and get better paying jobs before AI takes them. They are not travelling or working in bars.

This is where Indian cultural prejudice comes in. We help our kids- a lot- but they follow the rules ie: get a professional education
Work hard
Marry other educated folk if you can because the heart follows the head
Don't waste your money travelling
Don't have kids if you can't support them.

Exactly.

It's her money; therefore, she can spend it however she wishes.

Personally, I wouldn't do that. I am well-off and enjoy spending money on my kids and family.

This, did SIL spend 2 decades having the travelling trustafarian lifer because she thought she had mummy’s millions to fall back on?
what job does her dh do? How much do his parents give to fund their life?

There's also the small matter of care in later life. OP isn’t specific about MiL’s overall wealth, but it’s still a fact that if she needed full time care she would be funding it herself, and any money she gives away now at the age of 80 would be viewed as deliberate deprivation of assets. Speaking from first hand experience of a very wealthy relation whose assets and savings were depleted at an alarming rate when she went into a care home.