Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

This is amazing, and what I thought she might be like the older she got. But no. It would appear that HMRC are going to have a very nice chunk.

I can't imagine having all that money and not wanting to help my children out 😔

Because Boomer Bashing is a favourite sport on MN, they like an easy target!

I grew up in an abusive home, fueled by alcohol and drugs, i raised my older sister who was mentally disabled, i also raised my youngest brother, i had them well into my adult hood when I was raising my own kids and going through my own struggles, never asked for a thing growing up, always gave my mum money to cover her needs. Then my sister died in a car accident as a passenger and my mum secretly had my sisters next of kin transferred over to her, my mum then sued insurances and her super and whoever she could over my sisters death and then claimed extreme mental health illnesses and jumped through all the hoops for a pay out. She received $700,000 over 5yrs for the death of a child she never raised and she did not give a cent to anyone or her children she has since spent it and only has about $120,000 left . With all that being the case I didnt expect a dime and I didnt whinge about it. She got the money , once she got it, im not entitled to it and let her have it and I didnt fight for it. What she does with it is her business and in the long run she was not obliged to hand a cent over. Just because your parents are rich or have a decent income doesnt mean your entitled to it. Once you turn 18 your responsible to make your own way not rely on your parents.

All throughout history, some generations have fared better than others for a variety of reasons. This is the only generation (unless someone can point out another one for me) that I have known about that continually blames all of their misfortune on the generation above them and, specifically, their very own parents.

I blame the lack of education in schools that obviously didn't go back in history, far enough, to show what generations before us had to fight through to make it so that we can lazily complain about them online from comfort.

It's lazy and cringe.

I think saying boomer parents is unhelpful unfair and unnecessary

there are selfish people on every generation with no evidence that any one generation excels at lack of generosity

I can never understand this level of selfishness.
How can somebody possibly enjoy their life while knowing their child is struggling and they could alleviate it? It would be like sitting there stuffing your face because you can afford it, and your child watching you, hungry
Beyond me

This

I’m a boomer. Couldn’t get a mortgage on more than 2x salary without involving a broker, paying a higher interest rate and arrangement fees. And our mortgage payment took up the whole of one wage. We certainly couldn’t raise kids on one income at that point, and I remember most of our friends were childless until later because they simply couldn’t afford it - mainly because it was difficult if not impossible for mum to go back to work afterwards.

There was no pregnancy protection as there is now and a lot of mums to be found themselves out of work on disclosing pregnancy - similarly there was no paid maternity leave until the Employment Protection Act in the mid seventies, and even then only about half working women were eligible because of the long qualifying periods, and women weren’t automatically entitled to return to work afterwards. That was only addressed in the mid nineties. There was no wrap around childcare, no after school clubs and we relied mainly on family and paying for child minders ourselves.

Life may be hard now, but it wasn’t exactly a bed of roses for everyone back then, and saving for a house deposit mostly meant living with parents, scrimping and saving wherever you could. I don’t remember paying £7 for a morning coffee every day, or hundreds on a mobile phone. I think maybe MN would do well to remember that a lot of the protections younger people have now was fought for and won by the hated boomers.

I have already said on page 1, forget "Boomer", it applies to any parent/child in this situation.

I am of Indian heritage.
We have our own lines we won't cross. And probably some prejudices.

That said, when my DC are somewhat settled, I will likely take my mum in. If I can manage

In Indian culture, we don't just help the kids. We also help the boomers!

Spot on.

Why is your sil so badly off?

could you not help her with heating in winter if you are so concerned for her and her children?

She’s a multimillionaire. I‘m sure you’ll still get a nice chunk on top of the privilege you’ve already enjoyed from your own parents. Stop moaning.

If you have complaints about how we were brought up, perhaps take them up with our parents :)

Actually I won't. DH and I do not share money. Long story. But I am just fine anyway.

I think it is harder for young people today so I help
mine. That is well documented and understood.

But also I’m certain that some young people are extremely profligate with the money they earn. And entitled about expecting to be given. You seem to be like this OP, with your unpleasant “rage” about not getting handouts. Nobody owes you anything.

I don't extrapolate issues. Therefore, I look to the person complaining and not their parents. That was the whole point. :)

I don't want anything from her. But I would like to see SIL get some consideration.

I agree on the “good for her sentiment” enjoying her spoils and all that, but not even helping her daughter with winter heating bill, god thats sickening…. People help complete strangers better than that.

You say in your OP that your parents helped you out. So no, not completely on your own feet. And you keep ignoring the question: why is your SIL in the position she's in when she must be in (at least) her 40s by now?

What is stopping you helping your SIL? Hmm?

Because she's got a chip on her shoulder before she's even started

DH and I are boomer parents with DC in their 30’s.
We are very comfortable financially and enjoy 2/3 holidays per year and we don’t go without but we have helped our DC with things like Uni rent, house deposit, free housing, wedding, first car etc.
We pay for meals out 90% of the time and covered accommodation costs when we’ve had a family trip, that sort of thing.
All of our DC know that we would always step in should they need it and we would, if necessary, pay a bill if they were too broke to afford to.
That said, it’s up to parents to encourage independence and to let them make mistakes, as long as the DC, like everyone else, learns from their mistakes.
I also can’t understand how any parent, regardless of whether they are a boomer or some other generational name, can have so much money and properties and not help their struggling DC, it beggars belief to me.

What happened to FIL? Is he in the picture? Why is your SIL so broke? Maybe she looks at her DB and wonders why he can’t throw her a few quid to heat her house with young children in it?

@hoarderofthedough My own parents were born in 1915 and 1919 respectively, so not "boomers". They struggled like fuck their whole lives and didn't have a bean to leave me or my brother. So at least I don't have to eat myself up with rage every single day of my life because someone isn't giving me handouts or a big fat inheritance.