Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

And by the way, £6000 in 1986 was the exact same amount that my parents paid for their three bed semi detached house in the mid eighties. One year’s salary.

One year’s salary.

I have the original paperwork from the purchase of that house in my office. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it. That’s £23,000 in today’s money. I couldn’t buy a bloody rabbit hutch for that where I live now.

I totally give up. Please someone make economics mandatory learning for those born between 1946 and 1964.

I can’t deal. I’m out.

Yeah it’s bizarre I can’t imagine being in that kind of financial situation at that age and stage of my life watching my children struggle unless there was perhaps something like addiction at play and giving them money was only going to affect things negatively.

I don’t know why so many people on Mumsnet always defend the wealthy party in this situation as they always in the same sentence say that would not do this to their own dc. Strange.

Maybe it's a bit contradictory but I don't care if my parents had 8 houses. Those are their 8 houses, their assets, and nothing to do with me. I wouldn't feel any right to expect anything from them all the same.

On the contrary, I do know if I had 8 houses, I would definitely use that as an opportunity to help my children. Give them one each? Sell one and let them use the money for house deposits or something? I don't know. It's not a position I'll ever be in.

My house in a cheap area of Fife was 22k in '86. 2 bed end-terraced.

I'm astonished that anywhere had a 3 bed semi-detached house available for 6k in the mid-80s.

I completely agree. But I think it depends on your family’s attitude to money. My parents helped me financially but I still work hard and raise my kids to respect money. I will aim to help them out too when the time comes but it will never be an excuse for laziness or not working.

Same, unless it was a council
house right to buy. My parents sold a 2 bed cottage flat in Glasgow in 1984 for £26k and bought a 3 bed semi in a naice area for £40k.

She’s probably the type that if she won the lottery she wouldn’t share the wealth with her family. I’m assuming those who defend wealthy people not giving their kids a helping hand would also keep a lottery win to themselves.

God knows where that was, it must have been the back of beyond. A 3 bed semi for £6k in 1984 sounds unbelievable. I looked to buy a little flat that needed updating in 1981 and that was £22k. In 1990 I bought a tiny one bed flat for £44k.

£6k would not have been the norm.

Interesting...I guess they were not in London as houses were definitely not that cheap ....a flat was around 40k by early 90s. But I absolutely acknowledge that housing was cheaper relative to salary back then. I have said so several times. My point was that it wasn't a land of milk and honey .... there was inequalities then as now. I have more in common with a poor 30 year old than a rich 60 year old. I hate the way we are set against each other based on age.k

I’m a boomer parent and feel exactly the same as you do, we are not all like you describe. My parents didn’t have much, they were both born in poverty (poverty of the 1930s, so no handouts). I’ve been able to help my kids more but not in any extravagant way as life threw me too many curveballs that affected my finances, but whatever spare I have I willingly help my kids out. A lot of it is down to the character of the person. There will always be scrooges whatever generation they’re from. I sympathise hugely with the younger generations today, I knew house price rises were going to be a disaster, I hated how newspapers would gleefully scream headlines about the joy of house prices rises, I thought it was absurd to be so shortsighted. But what could I do about it, absolutely nothing.

It is unbelievable. The average house price in 1985 was £27k, rising to £44k in London. Someone’s either mistaken or telling porkies.

I guess it’s possible in a desolate area that had no work, but in any kind of half thriving community it seems completely out of the ordinary.

But you are not her, she doesn't and that it. No amount of asking others, will change it

Gen X? We’ve flown under the radar for far too long for people to start noticing our existence now!

As an in law though, how do you know she didn't give them any support in the past? When I've seen this dynamic it's usually where the parent has been generous on the past but the children show they don't plan to actually pull themselves up and the parent steps back. SIL doesn't need mums money to not be working a minimum wage job and having kids when she can't afford to, these are her own choices and strategies in life and perhaps Mum is letting her live her own life?

My DS thinks I am a boomer, but I am actually a Gen X, a generation that is never mentioned!

When I was growing up we didn’t call each other boomers, although we were aware we were part of the post war baby boom. It seems a relatively new thing to define ourselves by a generation name.

We’re not the ones doing it, it’s all those who think we’re the cause of the world’s ills.

I'd never call my parents boomers. They were not wealthy-though highly educated professionals- and had a hard life coping with things I never had to cope with (racism, sexism etc). I am not going to make my mum now have to cope with ageism!

They tried hard to be good parents- and while not perfect- were pretty good, given their cultural upbringing. I have- in many ways- been a worse parent. Dad passed early, but my mum's an amazing granny. Most older people from my community- Indian heritage- came up the hard way and endured great difficulties.

Agree. And l don’t know where you’d have got a house for £6k in the eighties. We bought in 1979. A minuscule two up and two down newbuild. £18,000. The mortgage - based on 1.5 x salary, nearly broke us when interest rates rose after the general election. The kitchen was the size of a cupboard and the only thing ‘fitted’ about it were a row of base cupboards and two top cupboards on one wall. We moved in with a bed, a cooker (On HP) and a wardrobe. Bean bags to sit on until we could afford furniture and a telly donated by my parents. Very different to the expectations of first time buyers today.

I agree. I was thinking more Gen X, Millennials etc. Defining yourself by your ‘generation’ wasn’t something we did.

Hang on, I just need to grab the world’s tiniest violin.

I think expectations is one of the key things. We had very low expectations (despite people thinking we were all loaded). I know people go on about the avocado toast and coffee stuff today but back then people also had to save and forego the luxuries of that age. Yes it’s more difficult today I’m not denying that at all, but first homes for most people back in the 70s would probably be dismissed today as too shabby.

They can but if I had so much I wouldn't dream of not helping my children or siblings if I could treat them. It would give me so much joy. Each to their selfish own.....

It's always easy to give away imaginary money.