Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

I honestly don't know anyone who has stopped parenting at 18. Most of us in London have our kids living with them, often into mid twenties or later.

They are multimillionaires. If I truly needed help, they would help. They have helped a sibling who got into financial trouble after a boyfriend assaulted them and had to become an ex.

There is a difference though between needing one time assistance and having an unsustainable life. Helping someone once is very different than needing to prop someone up indefinitely.

Great for you. But surely you must realise that not everyone have the same opportunities. I trained as a social worker so I knew I wasn't going to earn a lot. My DS is autistic with learning disabilities so he's earning capacity is limited before even starting out.

I can’t imagine sunning myself in the Maldives knowing that my child and grandchild are back home in a squalid flat unable to afford food. But that’s literally what some people on this thread seem to think is ok. Basically your children should just fend for themselves if they fall on hard times. If we’re honest, there are probably some parents here looking around at their circumstances and feeling pretty guilty and that’s why they’re doubling down and lashing out.

Massively going without - you don’t think that’s awful. As an adult I would be horrified if my mother felt she had to massively going without for me. We all have different standards.

I think this is true, "boomer" often gets used as a generic term for old people, which isn't correct.

On the other side, parents of many people in their late 20s now are more like Gen X, I would think. Currently in their 50s. My mid-60s parents were the tail end of the boomers. Late 20s people now would also be trying to get house deposits together and start families. Maybe Gen X will start taking some of the heat soon :)

They went up to 17% and didn't go below 6% until 2001 . Household rates were also very high ours were £1000 a year in 1986. At the time our annual household income was £11,000

I read the op thanks. Did you read the post I responded to?

Some will be wealthier, some not. Not everyone managed to get on the property ladder so didn’t benefit from house related wealth. People of the time still experienced job losses, divorce, ill health - all the life situations that all other generations experience which affects their earning power. And the boomer generation didn’t get half the benefits that today’s generation can get. Swings and roundabouts and all that……

It's all relative. I cant speak for SolarMagnet but our family summer holiday cost £330 it wasn't the best for us but our kids enjoyed it which made us in turn happy. We are saving for their future which also makes us happy. Going without doesnt make life "awful" if you have a purpose for doing it.

Well that’s me. We bought in February 1979 and the mortgage rate was 11%. After the general election in May of that year Thatchers’ conservative government raised rates to 14% in June and then to an all time high of 17% in November 1979. The rates dropped down to 16% later that year but remained at 14% for a while. They hit 15% again in 1989, remaining at that rate for over year. So a little more than two days don’t you think ?

There was a suggestion that GenZ had started to blame the Millennials- it was ever thus - always someone else’s fault.

Absolutely this. We bought our first house in 1979 and the increase in interest rates after the general election of that year nearly broke us.

Massively going without year on year. For adult kids? That’s too much - what are the adult kids doing. I wouldn’t ask, accept or expect anyone to do that for me and it would make me feel enormously sad if I found out they had. Different standards - I was brought up to stand on my own two feet!

Yes I have looked at job market ...in fact I am in it. Because, as previously stated, not all 'boomers' are wealthy. My first full time permanent job in 1987 paid 6000 something pounds pa. My pension is the opposite of gold plated or whatever other cliches are used to us.
Of course I get it that you,d rather a secure home than luxuries ...I am on that same page. I was making the point that rich MIL might fancy a bit of self indulgence late in life on things she didn't have before and who are we to judge that

Yes and in 1979 house prices were 3.5 - 4 x average salaries. In 2022 they were 9x average salaries. There is just no escaping the facts. As a generation (and obviously individual cases differ), the baby boomers have hoarded a truly staggering amount of wealth, most of it in housing equity.

And we went on local camping holidays with the kids when money was tight - I wouldn’t have described that as massively going without despite it happening for a few years, it was cheap but we had fun. We certainly didn’t whinge about it.

I realise my last post was a bit sanctimonious. My main point is that the world is getting more and more insecure. Insecure in terms of jobs, environment, welfare budgets, geopolitics e.t.c.

I feel that myself but I feel it even more for my kids. The OP has extended family who are already seemingly living this and their mum doesn't help them despite plentiful resources. I think we should celebrate the opposite and not defend selfishness.

Thanks, yes agreed there is no need for whinging. Camping does suck though sometimes 😏

In terms of standing on your own two feet. This is the heart of the issue for me. It is a different world now. It simply isnt possible to "drag yourself up by your bootstraps" in the myriad ways that it used to be. It is a much more competitive world these days!

I don’t think it was sanctimonious. Basically it boils down to whether a wealthy parent should help their child who has fallen on hard times. To me it’s a no brainer and I can’t understand people who won’t help.

Sure they need help but bumming around Europe for 20 years till your 40 then returning to the UK to expect your parents to fund your plans to have a family that was not something that would have been approved of and supported 30 years ago either.

Yes agreed! To be fair it is still very important imo to lead by example to show kids value of hard work e.t.c.

just so that I understand: What you’re saying is that if your child (and by extension your grandchild) was struggling because of poor choices made earlier in life, you wouldn’t help them, even if doing so would require no material financial sacrifice on your part?

My parents are Boomers, never gave help, never paid for weddings (did buy my dress), never gave house deposits, I paid for my own university, they didn't really babysit. I don't 'have the rage' about it at all as I don't feel entitled to any of it. It's their time and money to do with as they please. Nothing to do with me.

I do think their policy of 'you're on your own financially as soon as you walk out the school gates on your last day' policy was very harsh though. I know me and my sibling struggled greatly with that, especially as we both had no help with job seeking skills.

I have given my children a more gradual transition to supporting themselves on leaving school and still help them. I know how hard it was, so want it to be easier for them.

Because she’s got 8 houses!!! Or whatever it was.She’s not going to be eating porridge for weeks if she helps the OP out a little. I give up. A huge section of society got really lucky and the generation after them didn’t. MIL has no more ‘right’ to the wealth than anyone else really. She’s just lucky. Legally she owns the money. Morally she’s right as a wasp’s butt hope if she is happy to watch her own child struggle whilst she hoards more and more needed money. Christ alive.