Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

The single oddest thing about the boomers/younger generation argument is that
the older people are the more likely they are to vote.

In the last general election 90% of people in OP's MIL's age band voted.
In SIL's age band (assume 45) only 65% of people voted.

You can't complain if you don't vote.
You can't be surprised if governments don't serve your interests if you don't vote.

Young people - If you're angry just bloody vote. Well don't just vote - campaign, go to see your MP, do something. Do anything positive.

But in circumstances where you were extremely wealthy, would you stand by and watch your child struggling? I can see the argument that adults have to stand on their own two feet. But…

It’s very relevant. The daughter is in her position because of her life choices and now expects to be bailed out. She hasn’t made any effort to worry about a career or how she would support her own children but expects her mother to do it for her.

I've already said what I'd do.

You don’t know how cash rich she is or if she’s asset rich. If it’s the latter why should she have to free up money by possibility downsizing her home because her daughter decided she was a free spirit and travelled for two decades?

I think our perspective is clearly different. I just don’t understand where parents are able to help, but don’t. Clearly, if parents can’t help, then that’s different. But wealthy parents who just stand by 🤷🏼‍♂️. I suspect there are some people on this thread who deep down feel pretty guilty.

@BermudaRhombus I was 24 when I moved to NY. I had NO money. But I scoured the New York Times sits vac until a vacancy appeared. Two weeks later, once employed, I rented an apartment. The in-laws did give us a bed, as a wedding present, but not much more. We bought the crocks etc.

I think it’s tricky - in the same way I feel the Gov struggle with supporting kids who were born into poor households - you can’t help the kids without helping the feckless parents.
I’d probably leave money to my grandkids if my dd was completely irresponsible not my dd.

So?

Your attitude seems to be that you had to really struggle, so you expect your children to do the same!

I think people need to start helping themselves first and when both parents are working minimum wage jobs maybe they should have thought twice before having the second child if cash was tight. There’s two adults who need to be responsible for themselves, they are in their 40’s not 18 year olds in uni. I feel zero guilt when I’m writing on this thread. I’m the same age as the daughter and have never ever expected my parents to bail me out financially, they have money but they have worked for it the same as I do.

I suppose, @BermudaRhombus , that I think most of us make most of our luck personally. I didn't have a silver spoon. I knew no one, at all, in NYC except my husband. My parents-in-law thought I was a deluded gold digger. Happily, I proved myself competent.

Sure, lots of different ways to deliver the assistance. But the thread is about MIL just not providing any help at all.

The thing with really struggling and then succeeding is that when you get there you have a feeling of personal achievement that lasts all your days.

If I was rich, would I help my children out? Yes, I almost certainly would.
Would I think they'd never have that feeling of personal achievement? Yes I would and I would think this was a shame for them.

I mean let’s be clear, we’re talking here about parents who are wealthy and able to help their children, but choose not to. That is completely alien to me and I’m so grateful that I haven’t grown up in that kind of family!

😂 I certainly didn't end up with millions, though I don't struggle. My parents didn't contribute towards my first flat ... they did buy me a bottom-of-the-range hoover, if that counts? Nor did my sister and I inherit much after dementia care-home fees. But I also had the very good sense not to spawn children. I have never for one single moment regretted that decision, and threads like this just reinforce it.

I was thinking of leaving legacies to my sister's children (born in the mid-80s) but - based on the OP - I may not. Currently, the lot goes to Médecins Sans Frontières and I'm now inclined to leave it that way.

No, I don't. In the 1970s, life for most people, including me, was quite hard scrabble. My DC, only one because I was already 43 and earning well, has benefited. I was fairly clever and fairly successful, so I still have resources for my dotage, and I have given my inheritance and my tax free lump sum to make sure my DC has a modest secure home whatever happens.

I guess however you need to justify it. But most people in poverty can’t fight their way out of it regardless of how hard they work. I can’t imagine why you’d put your children through some sort of survival test if you’re wealthy enough to help them. Bizarre. But clearly it has no effect on me how others treat their kids.

so it sounds like you’ve passed on what you can. What we’re discussing is people who could pass on help and actively choose not to.

We’re pretty much the same age and have done exactly the same thing. Giving your child housing security for life is gold standard. I really don’t understand why you’re getting such a hard time.

I think you have just got my situation completely wrong. You've decided what you think you know. I wasn't in poverty, but I was not far off.

This entire discussion is about people who can easily afford to assist their children and choose not to. You seemed to give the impression that you were in that category, but have now revealed you’re not! 🤷🏼‍♂️

I wonder how the wealthy parents who left the MiL the home and business which underpin her lifestyle would feel about her stewardship of their legacy? The best room on the cruise ship and regular business-class travel vs offering a helping hand (or even just the occasional meal) to their grandchildren and great-grandchildren…

She clearly wasn’t born into poverty if her mother has money 😂 she’s made bad life choices that her kids have to suffer the consequences for.

It's pretty selfish.

We're already planning to not step up our quality of life too much when we upgrade to a new house. Every pound we put aside for our children will fund their future, give them and their future families more security and increase the likelihood of them meeting milestones like being able to afford children/to buy a house at a sensible time.

While we don't want to diminish our quality of life, unless we level the playing field through planning in advance to fund this, our children may struggle to get on in life. My family have been generous but husband's family go on many holidays per year (don't begrudge them this - I don't know how long they will be independent enough for it) and wouldn't think to support their children/grandchildren, live in a beautiful detached house bought on a teacher's single salary that we with our individually much higher dual salaries could never afford. It does annoy me when they talk of all the 'fancy' things we have like our £8 phone contracts and £700 television bought 15 years ago. Apparently things like this are the reason young people can't buy houses..... Lovely people but ignorant as shit.