Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

Would you support your parents?
If not, why not?
Because I find it bafflinf people don"t want to support their parents. If they can.

Cool.

Ok and? I have never said anything about corporate welfare so no idea why you keep mentioning it.

But this isn't a woman who has been focused, worked hard and happened to qualify in a field where companies refuse to pay a decent wage.

She faffed about for 20 years doing nothing, moved back to the UK in poverty and then doubled down on the poverty adding kids. Personally I would be embarrassed to do all that and then need handouts (whether from a parent or state).

But you do you.

Because 'boomer parents' gets more clicks...

Yes, I would and have. My parents have supported their own parents both financially and letting them move in. My parents have supported me in the past (wedding, a little towards a house) although the balance is shifting towards me helping them a little as we're now more established in careers. I've also given money directly to one grandparent, another wealthier grandparent has given money to my kids, etc etc. Give and take!!

If anything I feel warmer and more closely connected to all my family than I would have expected to in my younger very independent days. We are all dependent on each other

Of course and I do support them financially. The difference is those parents like the op is referring to who are very wealthy and do not support their children who are struggling. Some people here obviously feel that supporting children ends at 18. That isn’t what I believe, but as I said, we’re all different I guess.

I don't think that's totally true, although some may. We are 70, and decently solvent so we took our lump sum and gifted two thirds of it down a generation, and we did deeds of variation to pass down what we inherited. We've retained enough for us, and we have given our one chick a modest house in a modest Midlands town.

I can’t imagine living really comfortably, holidaying abroad and all the rest of it and knowing that my children was desperately struggling. It just makes no sense to me!

Luckily I don’t know anyone like that. My own mother came to live with me when she got too elderly to stay independent, and she lived with me till she passed away.

Make your own money and spend it as you like. It's understandable why she doesn't give handouts.

So that’s exactly the point. You’ve kindly passed on what you can and kept back what you need. But that’s very different to people who could pass on help, but don’t.

I do like give and take among generations, if at all possible. That said, it's likely not possible for Gen Z given the economy. So all I expect from my kids is to work hard and make sensible decisions.

My parents paid for my education and wedding only, but we didn't need anything else as we managed to make it on our own. DH tried to send money to his parents, but they just opened an account in his name and sent him the details!

Are you a parent?

You're good people ❤

We made almost all the money we shall bequeath. Which is rather more than we inherited. DH and I have both been (very small time) entrepreneurs, but we did earn well.

I’m a boomer, I can’t possibly be good 🤔 we are the devil incarnate. 😂

Can’t see the relevance of this.

I wonder what MIL was doing whilst the daughter jetted about for 20 years?

It's arguable that boomers had it easier, but they didn't all end up multimillionaires with multiple rental properties. I wonder if MIL spent those 20 years grafting her bollocks off to build her wealth whilst SIL was lying on a beach?

Still don’t see the relevance! I just can’t imagine not helping my child out if they’re struggling, regardless of how my wealth was made or how my child had acted. Just baffling!

We definitely do have different values - I brought up my kids to take full responsibility for their choices. I would not want to encourage them to bring children into this world as a blessing for me. I would hope I have taught them to make the decision to have kids when they are emotionally and financially ready, not relying or being manipulated by my ability to provide childcare or money to influence their choice. I will do whatever I feel able to do at the time. It would be foolish of them to expect otherwise.

The point of my post is that we had nothing, inherited nothing, except our education in 1977 when I left university. I got a job, in London, then went to NY when I married an American. I moved with one suitcase and $600 which lasted me four months, until I got a job. Three weeks later, we had an apartment and a life. I had a decent job, with prospects.

What age are your kids?

How competent are your kids at getting on in life? That's the really important question.

Yep, still don’t see your point. My point is that if my child was struggling and I was wealthy enough to help them, then I would. That’s it. Totally irrelevant whether my wealth was inherited or earned, or why my child needed the support. I am wondering whether there is a broad generational difference in how people care for their children. To me it isn’t a case of supporting them until they’re 18 and then waving them off and wishing them good luck.

If i had her money I'd help my family. Most people aren't multi millionaires. I dont like the general idea that grown adults should still be bank rolled by their elderly parents.