Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

You sound entitled.

I would insist on always splitting the bill at a minimum if she is wealthy. But that aside - how she spends her money is her own affair.

Awful? You and I really have different values. If my daughter who I had assumed would never have children suddenly gave me two extra grandchildren I would consider that an enormous blessing and do whatever I could to reset them.

I'm not saying there wouldn't be strings attached and I'd be careful about how I structured things and how it impacted my non-feckless other children... but I wouldn't go around saying "why should one adult support another random adult" when talking about my flesh and blood.

Imagine letting your child live like that while you jetted about. She just sounds like a nasty person.

I agree with the OP.

It's shameful than her daughter and grandchildren lives in a shit hole part of town with a crap education.

Boomers or not, it's a poor attitude.

But I do say that these 'boomers' do seem to think they 'had it hard': but forget to mention incredible mortgage rates, and huge choice of jobs and affordable living.

They focus on the negatives, which do tend to be shorter lived or less important in the grand scheme of things compared to acquiring property and access to work.

I mean that’s the thing. Why aren’t the children who are professionals living in precarious rented accommodation and scraping together enough to pay their family bills supporting the ageing parents who are living in a five bedroom house worth a fortune that they bought for £1000?

SIL made her choices. And it sounds like she made poor ones. Why criticise MIL instead of SIL? She did not force her to have children she could not afford.

How is it selfish to enjoy your life with your own money?

What is selfish is this sense of entitlement so many have towards other people's money. I would feel embarrassed to have my parents fund my adult life due to my own choices

I can’t conceive as a parent how you’d not help your children in circumstances where they are struggling. But I guess everyone is different.

Yes it's baffling. I hope to help my kids with house deposits or in emergencies.

But not if they are on an extended gap year for 20 years. The social contract flows both ways.

Yes - having two children in poverty is an awful thing to do.

Does she realise this?

‘Other people’?! This is your children!!

I am really curious about whether those who think the SIL in OP's story is feckless and doesn't deserve a penny, also think that she therefore also has no right to claim UC or similar? If not what is the difference for you? Her own mother shouldn't have to pay for her poor decisions, so why should the unrelated taxpayer?

Sounds like the daughter has made a string of poor lifestyle choices.

Actually the 'Other People' here would be the parent. The level of entitlement to other people's money is simply baffling.

So go after them, not people who just happened to have the audacity to be born between 1946 and 1964. (though Margaret Thatcher wasn’t a boomer). What exactly do you think those audacious ordinary people should have been doing in the 70s and 80s? How are you living your life today so you don’t get vilified when you’re 65+ or are you not thinking that far ahead?

I wonder how many families with a miserly "boomer" multi millionaire matriach you are expecting to find on Mumsnet to agree with you? I mean it's a pretty niche subject.

But it’s not. It’s a daughter needing support. Do you believe that parental support ends at 18?

I don't think she is entitled to a family member's money because she made a series of poor life choices until well into her 40s.

But the welfare state has been created to support people (feckless or not) and while that is what it exists for she should have the same entitlement as any other individual.

She didn’t need support to go travelling for most of her adult life.

I believe mandatory parental support ends at 18. And if you read what I wrote the 'Other Person' being referred to here is the parent.

That is the 'Other People' whose money OP feels entitled to. I cannot imagine being in my 40s and needing parental support. I would honestly be embarrassed to allow my life to get to such a position.

If the feckless SIL had had her hand out wanting 'support' to fund her travelling lifestyle all throughout her 20s and 30s would you still be insisting the MIL should provide it?

Maybe MIL simply thinks her daughter needs to learn to make better life choices?

What is selfish is this sense of entitlement so many have towards other people's money.

Funny, I feel that way about the welfare state...!

Cool

‘Mandatory parental support’. I can’t imagine not supporting my children (if I’m able to) at any age. To me it’s completely baffling this attitude.

I cannot imagine being in my 40s and needing [UC]. I would honestly be embarrassed to allow my life to get to such a position.

If I wrote this I'd be run out of town for benefits-bashing.