AIBU to be upset my husband lied about his flight being overbooked?

[OrangeSlices998]

Need some perspective on this and whether my head needs a wobble.

So me and DH have been together for 10 years, we have 3 kids together. We met in London and moved to a small town for his work after our first DC was born.

Recently he went away for a planned lads holiday to Malaga with his uni mates as they’re all turning 40. I don’t know the mates well, they all bar 1 came to the wedding, one was his best man who was incredibly drunk and didn’t do the best speech due to this. I’m only mentioning this because heavy drinking is the norm when these guys get together.

They went to Spain for 4 days, due to fly back on Sunday lunchtime. Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back. He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm - this is important.

I didn’t hear from DH much at all, I hadn’t expected to tbh because he was with his friends although it would have been nice to have the odd text checking in as the kids were being very hard work! On Saturday he phoned from his mates phone to tell me he had been mugged the previous evening, he was very drunk and got pushed over and his phone stolen. He thankfully wasn’t hurt and nothing else was stolen. I asked him to buy a cheap phone while he was out there so he wasn’t impossible to reach, I had his mates number but that’s it. I was not having the best time with the kids, they were being very hard work and the crap weather and no car didn’t help.

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted. He made sympathetic noises, the call ended. I survived the day (!) and Sunday came. DH hadn’t bought a phone, he called me from his mates phone at about 10ish local time and told me he was heading to the airport shortly (flight departed 12pm local time).

4pm rolled around, not home. Check arrivals, flight landed and he had only hand luggage but traffic etc. 5pm, nothing. 6pm, nothing. I start getting worried, where is he? Is he okay? Did he get on the flight? Did something happen? We live 30-40 minutes from the airport, no traffic showing. I try contacting his friend just to make sure there hadn’t been any issues in Spain, he doesn’t answer. Go out for a walk with the kids as I’m anxious and on edge. Get home at 7.30pm and he walks in about 7.45pm. Says he had to get the second flight of the 2 he booked, the first one was overbooked.

I’m confused now because why didn’t he just call/text me to tell me? I had spent half the afternoon worrying for nothing! His friend had been at the airport with him for a bit, why not just let me know? I was annoyed about this as I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have just got in touch as he knew I was expecting him on the first flight. I’m just confused because nothing is making sense. DH keeps repeating the story, flight overbooked and I asked what he did while waiting, he said he was just sat in the airport waiting for the second flight. I asked him why he didn’t try to reach me somehow, there would have been ways.

His friend comes back to me on Monday and says DH’s flight was after his and there were no issues. Now I’m more confused because that would mean DH friends flight was before 12pm but I spoke to him at 10am local time and they weren’t at the airport. I called DH on this and said BULLSHIT I think you and your mates decided you coming home on the first flight ruined the fun so you decided to just not get on the first flight and didn’t tell me because you knew I’d be annoyed.

Eventually he admits yes. He had got to the airport for the first flight and didn’t want to leave so he decided fuck it I’ll get the later flight and knew I’d be pissed so didn’t tell me. Had a couple more beers with his mates till they all got their flights and then he got the later one and decided to tell me the first one was overbooked.

I am very hurt by this. Am I being a dick? He knew I had had a tough weekend, he knew I was exhausted, he knew I thought he would be back earlier and he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner (I appreciate it’s only a few hours) and decided to lie to me and keep lying. As far as I know he’s never done anything like this before he’s usually a shit liar and wears his heart on his sleeve. We’ve been through a lot together and I really am hurt by it.

I’m less bothered by the fact he had had a lovely time with mates and didn’t want the holiday to end versus the lying to me and not communicating to me, knowing I hadn’t had the easiest weekend. It just feels out of character.

AIBU?

This post hits the nail on the head.

Other way round? answers/advice would be totally different.

It would have been nice of him to let you know that he would be home a few hours later than planned. That’s about it. This is not a big deal at all IMO!

Would you like a medal? I wouldn’t do 10 days solo with those ages, why should I? I’d get zero sleep, come home from work and parent till midnight, get woken multiple times and get up at 6 to start again, and end the 10 days behind on work and with the house a tip. Why would I do that for my dh to have a holiday?

Oh and I don’t think you’re wrong for moaning about the kids. It doesn’t matter that he can’t help you, it’s just he’s your person, so it’s nice to have words of encouragement or just the space to have a little whinge.

Lying is not acceptable in a relationship.

Neither is emotional manipulation.

The OP’s husband is guilty of one, and she is guilty of the other. And I genuinely don’t understand how people can have a successful marriage when they nickel and dime every interaction? Do you really count the number of bedtimes you do in situations like this? Is this a marriage or a job?

My wife and I regularly go away without each other. I have just booked a week away on my own for next year and she is currently researching where she wants to go for her week away. Apart from ensuring we are not clashing on dates or with other commitments we have had absolutely no input on when/where/how we travel or what we do. It’s a partnership, it’s not meant to be a lifetime of bearing grudges and keeping timesheets. That’s no way to live.

Don’t agree. If it was the wife who went away I think people would have said the DH shouldn’t have moaned about the kids, but they still wouldn’t have condoned the lying.

Did he manage to get a phone? To be fair, spending an extra £200 so you could sit at the airport for another 3 hours on your own makes zero sense - especially when your car is at a different airport - and if he was drinking as much as he appeared to be then he really shouldn’t have been driving. How did he get his boarding pass? Presumably it was on his phone and if he’s like most other people he’ll have two factor authentication on it which means he’d need the old phone number for the Face ID or text message. OP, something really really doesn’t add up here. Is there any risk he’s having an affair or met someone out there? Does he have a different phone now?

he obviously didnt change his flight and why would he? That would probably cost as much as the ticket in the first place.

he should not have lied though.

you need to give him a break though. Why did you try to make him feel guilty about the kids?

odd game playing from you both

What a prize dick he is

None of this makes sense and all sounds like lies to me. I’m not interested in lies in my life so no way I could be in a relationship like this, especially as you are in your 40s not your 20s.

you need to both grow up, when he’s away he’s away just get on with everything at home. The soonest you would have needed to be concerned of the whole weekend would have been maybe 10 at night on the sunday, but if there had actually have been a problem his mates would have told you before then. So I would have expected him to go anway and hear nothing and focus on my children. (My partner works away a lot for over 2 decades some weeks we text or email others nothing at all, usually a photo of something we’ve seen or done that’s it unless there’s an emergency. He will be away Fri - fri this week hobby then work I don’t expect to hear from him.).

the mugging sounds like a lie but if true he then had no way to buy a new phone or extra plane tickets. So that makes everything to do with the tickets sound like it was made up. Plus how was he having more drinks etc with no money?

He had a few days away with mates and got home later than expected. Bit disappointing but no biggie really.

Yes, if you lose a phone abroad now it's a nightmare, all the flight info is on there. How did he manage to get boarding pass, etc?

Okay fine to be annoyed on the night, which was now 2 days ago. But to be so annoyed you are dragging it on this long, posting it here and then arguing back to every post about it. Just move on. It was a dick move but he also didn't have a phone. Plenty of factors at play for the lack of communication.

Choose your battles. This isn't that bad in the grand scheme of things.

I agree with other posters though, you should not have been moaning at him all weekend. You both agreed together that he was going so just let him have the weekend and make sure you get away for a girls 40th weekend.

I would be wondering what else he’d lied about in relation to this holiday. Idk about you but my mind would be spiralling to strip clubs and all that shit.
It was a bit unfair to put pressure on him to come home early, but he shouldn’t have lied.

Being dishonest to your spouse (and shared parent of 3 children) because you want 3-4 more hours of fun is ridiculous and makes him seem manipulative. Anyone trying to project on to you that it’s your fault he lied is likely also the type of person who justifies their dishonesty by blaming others.

No she's his partner and coparent, so uniquely impacted by his actions and behaviour. This gives her every right to speak up when they're not working for her.
He can of course take the immature approach of bleating that she's not his mum and he's free to do what he wants, like a petulant teen.
But a decent man worthy of being a partner and coparent may take a more adult approach, listen and agree on changes that don't involve his partner being over burdened and worried about him while he falls about drunk, loses his phone and tells her lies.

The lying is out of order and I can't imagine my DH just not bothering to tell me that he'd be home hours later than I was expecting him.

That being said, I'm sorry @OrangeSlices998 but you sound like an absolute nightmare. If you need more free time for yourself, take it. But the nagging, the whining, the wanting him to be home a whole three hours earlier than he'd originally wanted...it'd be too much for me. I'd be tempted to prolong a break too, to be honest.

I've happily waved DH off for boys' weekends and vice versa. I wouldn't be best pleased if he carried on like that!

Well, this is the man she chose to marry, and have a third child with only a year ago. And this is the man she has chosen to stay with. You have no idea at all if this is how he “conducts” himself all the time, or whether this is a rare weekend like this. And yes, it is a snobby reply. “Malaga?! Urgh! How tacky and vile! I’m glad my husband is a gentleman and would never conduct himself in such a disgustingly, tasteless way!” I’ve never been to Malaga, would never want to go to Malaga, especially for a drunken weekend, but that doesn’t mean that others can’t or that I’m superior to them. I’m sure there are many things you and your husband do that other people would never dream of doing, but you carry on up there on your pedestal, letting it be known that your perfect husband would never sink to this level, despite it having nothing to do with what op asked, you just wanted to butt in to let her know how much better than her you and your husband you both are. There really was no other reason for your comment.

Your whole post is a little bit vulgar and tasteless, tbh. Snobbish behaviour, especially just for the sake of it, showing op how above her and better you/r husband, and marriage are, is really rather low class of you. But we’re all super-chuffed for you, m’lady. Just like “nice” men are anything but if they have to announce it, the same goes for class. And I’m not talking social class, just having some class and decency, of which you appear to have none. And certainly not much in the way of refinement yourself, hth. Additionally, the op mentions his deployment, so is clearly in the armed forces, yet a one off weekend in Malaga for a group of old mates to celebrate their joint birthdays makes him a common, tasteless, unrefined, man-child of an oik? And what are yours and your husband’s much more worthy professions, do you do more for your community? Yeah, perhaps because of his job he might choose to have a weekend like this to “let his hair down”, as it were, but according to you it completely negates everything else about him and reduces him to something revolting on your shoe, and the op along with him, because she’s chosen to be married to such a low level excuse for a man…🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Being dishonest to your spouse (and shared parent of 3 children) because you want 3-4 more hours of fun is ridiculous and makes him seem manipulative.

Pressuring your spouse (and shared parent of 3 children) to change their plans because you want them to come home 3-4 hours early from a pre-arranged trip is also ridiculous and makes her seem manipulative.

I cannot believe the number of people calling the OP controlling for sharing her (real) feelings about a late arrival in the middle of bedtime, for sharing that the kids were being hard work when she was asked, for asking him to find a way to be reachable when they have a one year old and for being concerned that her H wasn't home for hours after he should be. In a normal relationship, where people negotiate and are kind to each other, none of that is out of order.

You know what is manipulative? Lying to get your own way. Which OPs H did.

Ok, he shouldn’t have lied to you, that is poor behaviour, but there are a couple of things here that I agree with others about.
I do think your reactions and responses made him feel under pressure and guilty. If he’s going to go at all then I’d be more mindful of trying to let him go with good grace.
I’m not quite sure why you both decided on travel arrangements that left you with three small kids and no transportation. What if there’d been an emergency? Another time I’d make sure that doesn’t happen.
Lastly I’d say make sure that you are taking your own time away for you. Try and balance it better so you don’t feel so resentful when he goes.

He shouldn’t have lied but you did seem a bit intense.

Now it’s time to have a serious talk about the lying and its long term effect on you rather than the short term annoyance you’d have felt if he’d told the truth. Trust is fundamental to any healthy relationship. He’s now broken that. It can be repaired over time but tell him if you catch him lying again, then you don’t think you’d be able to get over it. It’s so important to be able to trust a partner. Without that and respect, there is no relationship.

Long weekend due to you in Sept/Oct then. Don’t stay in touch and don’t tell him what time you’ll be back. Time he took some responsibility. (Presumably he was all in favour of baby number 3 and effectively outnumbering yourselves.)

I wonder why you are triggered😂

Did I say Malaga was tacky or vile? No.
Did I say I was superior to the OP? No.
Does my husband have a healthy relationship with alcohol? Yes.

OP's husband is a man-child, and his behaviour embodies this.

There's no need to project your insecurity onto me, dear.

Yeah I think it’s not really fair to moan when he’s on a lads weekend. I went away with friends and my husband was unwell - his mum was also around- but he didn’t tell me while I was away as he knew I’d feel bad being away.