AIBU to be upset my husband lied about his flight being overbooked?

[OrangeSlices998]

Need some perspective on this and whether my head needs a wobble.

So me and DH have been together for 10 years, we have 3 kids together. We met in London and moved to a small town for his work after our first DC was born.

Recently he went away for a planned lads holiday to Malaga with his uni mates as they’re all turning 40. I don’t know the mates well, they all bar 1 came to the wedding, one was his best man who was incredibly drunk and didn’t do the best speech due to this. I’m only mentioning this because heavy drinking is the norm when these guys get together.

They went to Spain for 4 days, due to fly back on Sunday lunchtime. Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back. He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm - this is important.

I didn’t hear from DH much at all, I hadn’t expected to tbh because he was with his friends although it would have been nice to have the odd text checking in as the kids were being very hard work! On Saturday he phoned from his mates phone to tell me he had been mugged the previous evening, he was very drunk and got pushed over and his phone stolen. He thankfully wasn’t hurt and nothing else was stolen. I asked him to buy a cheap phone while he was out there so he wasn’t impossible to reach, I had his mates number but that’s it. I was not having the best time with the kids, they were being very hard work and the crap weather and no car didn’t help.

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted. He made sympathetic noises, the call ended. I survived the day (!) and Sunday came. DH hadn’t bought a phone, he called me from his mates phone at about 10ish local time and told me he was heading to the airport shortly (flight departed 12pm local time).

4pm rolled around, not home. Check arrivals, flight landed and he had only hand luggage but traffic etc. 5pm, nothing. 6pm, nothing. I start getting worried, where is he? Is he okay? Did he get on the flight? Did something happen? We live 30-40 minutes from the airport, no traffic showing. I try contacting his friend just to make sure there hadn’t been any issues in Spain, he doesn’t answer. Go out for a walk with the kids as I’m anxious and on edge. Get home at 7.30pm and he walks in about 7.45pm. Says he had to get the second flight of the 2 he booked, the first one was overbooked.

I’m confused now because why didn’t he just call/text me to tell me? I had spent half the afternoon worrying for nothing! His friend had been at the airport with him for a bit, why not just let me know? I was annoyed about this as I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have just got in touch as he knew I was expecting him on the first flight. I’m just confused because nothing is making sense. DH keeps repeating the story, flight overbooked and I asked what he did while waiting, he said he was just sat in the airport waiting for the second flight. I asked him why he didn’t try to reach me somehow, there would have been ways.

His friend comes back to me on Monday and says DH’s flight was after his and there were no issues. Now I’m more confused because that would mean DH friends flight was before 12pm but I spoke to him at 10am local time and they weren’t at the airport. I called DH on this and said BULLSHIT I think you and your mates decided you coming home on the first flight ruined the fun so you decided to just not get on the first flight and didn’t tell me because you knew I’d be annoyed.

Eventually he admits yes. He had got to the airport for the first flight and didn’t want to leave so he decided fuck it I’ll get the later flight and knew I’d be pissed so didn’t tell me. Had a couple more beers with his mates till they all got their flights and then he got the later one and decided to tell me the first one was overbooked.

I am very hurt by this. Am I being a dick? He knew I had had a tough weekend, he knew I was exhausted, he knew I thought he would be back earlier and he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner (I appreciate it’s only a few hours) and decided to lie to me and keep lying. As far as I know he’s never done anything like this before he’s usually a shit liar and wears his heart on his sleeve. We’ve been through a lot together and I really am hurt by it.

I’m less bothered by the fact he had had a lovely time with mates and didn’t want the holiday to end versus the lying to me and not communicating to me, knowing I hadn’t had the easiest weekend. It just feels out of character.

AIBU?

OP - could you explain about the car/ the drinking (so not being able to drive) where is the car now? Many have asked this question.

100% agree with this.

I think you sound controlling, OP.
Even trying to make him buy a cheap phone the day before he’s due to fly home, sorry but that’s ridiculous….

A man who chooses to mark his 40th birthday in Málaga by indulging rather enthusiastically in an abundance of alcohol.

A true portrait of refinement ...

I am deeply grateful that my husband conducts himself rather differently.

What’s the point of this snobby comment. Like seriously, what’s the point.

I think your dh wants to live life on his terms and lied to you because he knew he was in the wrong. Why did he take the car and leave you without?

I can’t believe Op is so far being accused of being controlling, stifling, hard work, a fuss pot and obsessing over where her husband is!

If I was expecting my DH home in time to help with bedtime after being away for a lads holiday and I had 3 kids at such a young age, he went away, got mugged/ lost his phone, didn’t hear from him much, knew he was drinking lots and he didn’t appear, get in contact or anything for 3 hours after I expected him only to find out he’d lied as he just didn’t fancy coming back and wanted to carry on drinking, I’d be pretty pissed off too!

OP isn’t contemplating leaving him, she’s just venting that she’s annoyed about it. And it sounds like since they’ve had 3 kids she hasn’t had the luxury of a girls holiday or lots of alone time

OP posts ALWAYS start like this in the day. Lots of quick labels and pointed fingers. Then the more rational crowd arrive and the tide turns!

I think it’s fine you align with the op. But most of us would not be whinging about how hard the kids are every time we spoke, and getting all anxious and annoyed about 4pm v 7pm. And that’s ok too.

Because married people are allowed to go on holiday with their mates and have a good time, without being pressured to come back early, or checking in all the time.

I think OP is being manipulative, if she didn't want him to go she should have just said that instead of pressuring him to change plans to come home earlier than he wanted to, and complaining to him while he was away, that she is exhausted looking after the children for a few days on her own, making him feel guilty, here it is for those in doubt (including OP!)

Psychological coercion is a form of manipulation where an external influence uses fear, pressure, lies, or guilt to break down a person's free will. The goal is to force compliance or change how someone acts and thinks without using physical force.

1. He’s still lying
2. Why would he take the family car and leave it at the airport so you are grounded with the DC for the whole time he is away?
3. Why did you expect more contact from someone who has allegedly had their phone stolen?
4. You are correct in thinking he should have found a way to let you know he wasn’t on the 4pm flight… he was with his mates the whole time apparently.
5. Have you done a “ find my phone “ and a

Life 360 search? Also checked the bank account?

Yes there's no way he's telling the truth about this either. Nobody after a boozy Weekender heads to the airport early, horribly hungover because their friend has a flight 4 hours before theirs.This is rubbish. I don't think he ever booked the early flight. Doubt he was mugged either, he's just lost his phone on a bender.
Could you have just let him get a later flight in the first place, yes probably. And not mentioned the kids, yes again.
But he has lied and I don't think he is telling the whole truth now. And that makes you wonder what else he is lying about. On this trip and in life generally. Not great.

Oh I see the cool wives are out in force on this thread

OP should be happy to parent solo for as long as her DH wants to be away, not jib at doing 4 bedtimes alone rather than 3 (on top of 4 days of solo parenting), not tell her Dh the kids are acting up even if he asks, basically be sweetness and light about the whole thing and if she does anything else then it is HER FAULT that her husband lied to her, because she’s controlling.

FFS he lied. Not acceptable. Yes, maybe he did it because you made him feel guilty about being away so long. Maybe he SHOULD feel guilty. Three nights away and back for tea and bedtime on the 4th day when you are knackered doesn’t sound unreasonable to me.

It’s not even like he wanted to be on the same flight as his mates - sounds like they were mostly on a different flight anyway. He lied and left you worrying and handling a 4th bedtime for the sake of an extra hour or two’s beers. Pretty crappy.

The OP didn’t moan about the kids ‘everytime they spoke’. She says they didn’t have much contact but of the 3 conversations she said they had, only once did she mention the kids playing up, which she clarified in further comments.

Posters have painted the Op as constantly moaning, ruining his holiday and forcing him to book the earlier flight-none of which are true according to what she’s written

The OP's man-child of a husband is tasteless.

A grown man, 40 years old, behaving like a teenager.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill here.

More than likely his friends were flying out at similar times so it would make sense to all go to the airport together.

Perhaps he wanted to spend a few more hours with them as it seems he doesn't get to see them often.

You so sound a bit intense and also that you weren't all that happy about him being away anyway.

I think there is a two way issue here.

Yes, I do not understand him choosing to sit in an airport on his own deliberately, to wait for a later flight, after all his little mates have already left? It doesn’t make any sense. At least if they were all still at the resort/villa/whatever for a few hours longer it would make sense.

Also, taking the car just to leave it at the airport so the family has no car all week doesn’t make sense. Or returning to a different airport and then having to go back to the original airport to get the car? And drive home drunk??

The thing is - and let’s be totally honest here - this being aibu/mn, had this been the husband on here writing the exact same then he’d have got nothing but replies telling him how controlling etc he was, and for ruining her weekend by moaning about the children. Yet somehow it’s ok if it’s the wife? She did ask the question, admitted that she didn’t think she was unreasonable, but she did post asking and people have replied honestly. Their actual relationship itself is a separate matter and if there are major disparities, or he does this all the time, then they are things they need to talk about later. But she didn’t say any of that in her post so people replied with the information they had been given. Not once has she replied saying he does this all the time, and she could have, she mentioned when he was deployed when asked about time on her own and still didn’t say he does this frequently, and I’m sure she would’ve done at some point within her first 20 or replies, but she’s never once said that.
Pretty much all of us have said that no, lying wasn’t right, but there was a lot more to it than just that, and not so black and white. A man posting this exact same thing would’ve been crucified, irregardless of whatever he replied, or adding any of the same comments/info that op did. She asked if she was being unreasonable, people replied, giving their reasons, majority saying she wasn’t. It wasn’t a kicking, it was answers to her aibu. Unfortunately, if you post in here you’re going to get replies you don’t like. She even said herself that she was being defensive because she didn’t think she was unreasonable. So why did she post if she thought that, and not want to take into account anything anybody has said?
(edited for mistype)

it sounds like he chose to not get in contact because he knew he’d be faced with more moaning and accusations etc and it was just easier not to have the conversation.

It also sounds like he tells you what you want to hear to keep you as happy as he can whilst he’s not there.

I know it’s tough having to look after the kids yourself but the constant asking for contact and saying the flight home is too late is suffocating.

Book yourself a weekend away and relax the same as your husband did.

Oh dear, I think maybe you think you come across better in your head than you do in real,life.

in real life it is better not to judge people based on a simple single snagit of their lives, as it makes you look rather silly and pompous.

Oh I see the cool wives are out in force on this thread

It’s not really about being a cool wife. If I’m on a 4 day break with my friends - I’d be annoyed at having to spend hundreds getting another phone - when I have access to a friend’s phone for emergencies at home.

I’d hate to feel my husband would be ‘hurt’ if I got home at 7pm rather than 4pm.

I wouldn’t appreciate being told how difficult the children are being. I know OP said she was asked - but it comes across as if she had a good moan about it. Rather than a passing comment.

No idea why people post an “AIBU” when they are so convinced they are right.

Obviously the lying isn’t good at all and I’d be annoyed on initially discovering it but then I’d move on. If your marriage is otherwise good it’s not worth dragging out. He acted selfishly, he owes you some child free days/evenings where you can do what you want.

Are you sure he even booked the earlier flight? I’d be suspicious that he had t and actually the lying started before he even went away

No, dear.

Some of us have standards.

If you enjoy the company of 40-year-old drunkards, that can be your thing.

Wow I think you are owed a total check out of parenting time here, and he’s pulled a dick move. Everyone can get in the bin with their you caused this by saying the kids are being tricky. The op regularly parents solo and doesn’t really get a break herself , he wouldn’t have a clue what parenting solo is, god forbid she be honest. You need to prioritise yourself more op, it’s quite clear your dh is very good at prioritising himself.

You don’t sound controlling. You sound like you do most of the childcare and he sounds like a twat. I actually don’t think it’s okay to swan off on holiday with your mates when you have three young kids. Neither of my parents did that, neither have I or my OH.

Having said that, I am petty, so I hope you bugger off to a nice spa weekend soon and leave him in the trenches for a change.