AIBU to be upset my husband lied about his flight being overbooked?

[OrangeSlices998]

Need some perspective on this and whether my head needs a wobble.

So me and DH have been together for 10 years, we have 3 kids together. We met in London and moved to a small town for his work after our first DC was born.

Recently he went away for a planned lads holiday to Malaga with his uni mates as they’re all turning 40. I don’t know the mates well, they all bar 1 came to the wedding, one was his best man who was incredibly drunk and didn’t do the best speech due to this. I’m only mentioning this because heavy drinking is the norm when these guys get together.

They went to Spain for 4 days, due to fly back on Sunday lunchtime. Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back. He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm - this is important.

I didn’t hear from DH much at all, I hadn’t expected to tbh because he was with his friends although it would have been nice to have the odd text checking in as the kids were being very hard work! On Saturday he phoned from his mates phone to tell me he had been mugged the previous evening, he was very drunk and got pushed over and his phone stolen. He thankfully wasn’t hurt and nothing else was stolen. I asked him to buy a cheap phone while he was out there so he wasn’t impossible to reach, I had his mates number but that’s it. I was not having the best time with the kids, they were being very hard work and the crap weather and no car didn’t help.

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted. He made sympathetic noises, the call ended. I survived the day (!) and Sunday came. DH hadn’t bought a phone, he called me from his mates phone at about 10ish local time and told me he was heading to the airport shortly (flight departed 12pm local time).

4pm rolled around, not home. Check arrivals, flight landed and he had only hand luggage but traffic etc. 5pm, nothing. 6pm, nothing. I start getting worried, where is he? Is he okay? Did he get on the flight? Did something happen? We live 30-40 minutes from the airport, no traffic showing. I try contacting his friend just to make sure there hadn’t been any issues in Spain, he doesn’t answer. Go out for a walk with the kids as I’m anxious and on edge. Get home at 7.30pm and he walks in about 7.45pm. Says he had to get the second flight of the 2 he booked, the first one was overbooked.

I’m confused now because why didn’t he just call/text me to tell me? I had spent half the afternoon worrying for nothing! His friend had been at the airport with him for a bit, why not just let me know? I was annoyed about this as I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have just got in touch as he knew I was expecting him on the first flight. I’m just confused because nothing is making sense. DH keeps repeating the story, flight overbooked and I asked what he did while waiting, he said he was just sat in the airport waiting for the second flight. I asked him why he didn’t try to reach me somehow, there would have been ways.

His friend comes back to me on Monday and says DH’s flight was after his and there were no issues. Now I’m more confused because that would mean DH friends flight was before 12pm but I spoke to him at 10am local time and they weren’t at the airport. I called DH on this and said BULLSHIT I think you and your mates decided you coming home on the first flight ruined the fun so you decided to just not get on the first flight and didn’t tell me because you knew I’d be annoyed.

Eventually he admits yes. He had got to the airport for the first flight and didn’t want to leave so he decided fuck it I’ll get the later flight and knew I’d be pissed so didn’t tell me. Had a couple more beers with his mates till they all got their flights and then he got the later one and decided to tell me the first one was overbooked.

I am very hurt by this. Am I being a dick? He knew I had had a tough weekend, he knew I was exhausted, he knew I thought he would be back earlier and he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner (I appreciate it’s only a few hours) and decided to lie to me and keep lying. As far as I know he’s never done anything like this before he’s usually a shit liar and wears his heart on his sleeve. We’ve been through a lot together and I really am hurt by it.

I’m less bothered by the fact he had had a lovely time with mates and didn’t want the holiday to end versus the lying to me and not communicating to me, knowing I hadn’t had the easiest weekend. It just feels out of character.

AIBU?

Because he had made it seem the Sunday wasn’t a full day. It was more a comment of how I’d understood our chats about the holiday than a raised eyebrow stern voice ‘that’s later than I expected’ it really was just a comment.

I posted because it really upset me and I stupidly forgot how cruel AIBU can be. I deserved to be lied to and worried for hours, because I had a wee moan about the kids.

THANK YOU.

I almost posted this as a reverse from his POV to gauge reactions. Kind of wish I had

YABU. He’s only away for 4 nights is that correct ?
Parenting your own children solo for only 4 nights should be ok ?
I have 3 small boys- I agree it is very tough going at times, my husband is away for much longer than this with work and I have no family support. And some people are solo parenting all the time.
if he’s away for only 4 nights leave him to it and stop whining about the kids being hard work. Likewise if you’re away he should let you enjoy your time and not moan about the children and solo parenting. You are entitled to equal child-free down time. Are you getting it ?
you also should have made sure you had your car !
I don’t agree with his web of lies though. And leaving you worried was cruel. He’s being unreasonable here.

Seems he constantly lies to you and makes things out to be hazy as you make statements like ‘oh that’s later than I thought’ which you seem to think is neutral. It isn’t

Do you expect your husband to lie to you about your children when you’re away?

Nobody deserves to be lied to, that’s so out of order of him.

I also can’t see OP being arsey at all in her replies on this thread.

Posters on here just love to be mean for the sake of it.

all this fuss for 3 hours. You do sound controlling, I'm another vote for - why bother posting if you think you are in the right and not willing to accept any other point of view,

What has OP said that makes her sound controlling?

What is your POV? Lying to your wife and making her worry for hours is okay because she had a wee moan to you on the phone when your kids were driving her mad?

I mean I’d take a step back. I’m posting this on the basis you generally have a happy and loving relationship btw, if you don’t then ignore

you’re upset that he lied which is fair enough. He could also have kept you up to date.

what we don’t know is why he lied. The way you write your post it sounded like you hen peck and he wants an easy life

ultimately this is still bothering you days later so you need to sit him down and discuss why he felt the need to lie, how he felt about your communications on the holiday and you can also explain to him how his lying isn’t acceptable and your relationship needs honesty. Hopefully you’ll understand each other a little bit better afterwards and he won’t lie about stupid stuff again

It has zero to do with anything other than lying.

Do you lie to your partner?

OP's husband is selfish.

There is no justification for lying to her.

PP posted this:

Psychological coercion is a form of manipulation where an external influence uses fear, pressure, lies, or guilt to break down a person's free will. The goal is to force compliance or change how someone acts and thinks without using physical force.

Suspect you are also meant to lie!

How are the children? “Oh absolutely perfect! It’s a dream being here by myself with them and we hope you never come home!”

It seems to me like there is so much lying going on.
If he booked another flight how did he do that without his phone? Usually you need to approve bigger payments with your phone banking app? Ask him how he sorted this out and boarding passes? Why would his friends leave holiday early to go to airport with him when they weren't on his flight? Is it really worth paying for an extra flight for a few hours boozing in an airport? Why didn't he text from his friends phone if he was with them the whole time to let you know he would be late? Does he have a police report for phone mugging? It seems holey as hell to me.

Does he lie to you a lot?

I already said the lying was out of order and I do stand by that. But I also think it seems as though something bigger is going on here.

A poster asked me if I'd expect my DH to lie to me. No, I wouldn't. But at the same time, I also wouldn't be the way OP seems to have been. We've never needed to lie to each other and we've never made the other feel like they had to rush home or feel guilty being away while we struggled at home. We've just gotten on with it!

Like, if I felt like I'd be stuck without a car, I wouldn't let him take the car and leave myself without it for example!

I wouldn't have lied, but I also wouldn't have felt I needed to in my relationship.
Obviously your husband expected a shitty reaction if he was honest with you. And he got exactly what he expected.

How on earth can anyone on this thread deem OPs behaviour to be psychological coercion from a few sentences? That’s such a reach.

I do think it sounds bizarre that either of you would consider a second flight a reasonable option to gain four hours, and that it's much more reasonable to let him actually have that day than having to be home to put them in bed. The request to waste more time on a weekend away to buy a cheap phone for... what exactly? is equally odd.

But WTF is everyone on about you being the unreasonable one if he can't keep his phone on him + catch a flight + keep you informed about actually relevant updates such as flight changes?

YANBU and you are getting an awful lot of bizarre flack on this thread. It's not manipulative to call each other - I wouldn't for a weekend away but it's clear from other treads I would be in the minority - and it's of course fine to say so if your kids are being ~tiny whinies~ little darlings. And he doesn't have to parent for the weekend, sure, but surely be can still be expected to adult!

I agree with @ProudPearl. You just seem far too involved with it all. Telling him to buy a new phone and going on about the children and looking to see if there was traffic from the airport. He probably didn’t have a different flight booked but I’d ask myself why he feels like he needs to lie to you because that’s the problem here.

When I go away with my friends my dh doesn’t micromanage me or complain about looking after his own children. He wants me to have a good time.

He shouldn’t have lied to you if that’s what he did and he should not have got on a different flight if that’s what he did. You should take time away for yourself. You shouldn’t try to be in charge of him.

Bullshit to excuse a man’s behavior and say the woman made him do it.

Gross. He’s a grown man.

I honestly don't understand why you're getting such a hard time here. 3 hours late would be one thing. 3 hours late with no explanation and no way of reaching him is worrying. 3 hours no explanation, no way of getting in touch, after 3 days with 3 kids and doing bedtime... plus the lying. No way would I be okay with it. The lack of consideration, slightly crappy priorities and lying would have upset me for sure.

I don't see how it's needy to expect your partner and co-parent back at the time they said they would be, or to be told that there's been a change of plan.

I just meant to add context that he knew I probably needed a break!

This is exactly it though, it wasn't an innocent catch up call to let him know what was happening at home like you are trying to now pretend, it was to tell him you needed a break from the kids.. what was he supposed to do with that information apart from feel bad that he was on holiday and not there with you? You didn't just tell him about the kids you told him you were exhausted being on your own with them.

You had also put pressure on him to change his plans to come home earlier than he had already arranged.. which led to him agreeing even though he didn't want to.

Controlling people will never admit to being controlling or coercive because they genuinely don't think they are.. My BIL used to do it to my sister all the time, if she went out he would eventually call her to tell her how bad the kids were being and how hard he was finding it, and she used to feel so terrible she would cut her day out short to go home, she couldn't enjoy it.. eventually she stopped going out, which was his intention all along.

My question was, to the poster I quoted, what has OP said that makes her sound controlling?

I think maybe the ultimate goal would be to get to a point where you and DH can each manage the children relatively comfortably for 3-4 days solo. That includes common-sense things like leaving the household's one car with the person staying home, and the traveller clearly communicating flight details including any changes. If someone loses a phone, it's up to them to decide when and how to replace it, but they still need to be in communication somehow. Apart from that, I'd start mentally blocking out the "time away" in days - e.g., if my partner has plans to leave on Friday night and return Monday evening, I'd just assume I'm on parent duty Friday night and all day Sat - Mon. That way it's not as much disruption if flights are delayed or missed or airport transit malfunctions. That framework in place, the person staying home should leave the logistics to the traveller unless specifically asked for help.

If the discrepancy between how often each of you goes away overnight is causing problems, that needs to be discussed and re-evaluated. Having three children is quite a big deal; if a high % of travel is a necessary part of your DH's current job then it may be that the "right" job for your DH pre-children is not the best option now. He also needs to factor his away time for work, if it continues, into his plans to be away for leisure because he does have equal responsibility for the children and they need to spend time with him and should not be shortchanged.

The lying, though, is potentially a big issue especially as he denied it when found out and kept telling the lie until you badgered him into the truth. That can easily become the pattern, which in turn leads to the unfair perception of you being "controlling" etc. as well as a (very natural and logical) loss of your trust in him. Get to the bottom of why he lied and continued lying and deal with the cause; this may need counselling.