Worried about GCSEs

[alevelbtec]

I can't sleep at night as worried about teen dd and her results. She failed all her mock exams except English. I want her to do A Levels and go on to University like most of my family but I don't think she will be able to. I am really panicking about her future. AIBU!? I think it's effecting me more, she pretends she's ok or maybe she isn't I don't know.

My youngest will find GCSE’s very difficult due to SEN despite being desperate to do well and works incredibly hard. We are supporting all we can but accept him for what he is.

I'm still in agreement that OP is a suspicious character! They sound like an OTT baddie from some children's book.

But - assuming they are genuine, just for the sake of argument - what a damaging view to take. I once knew an awful couple who'd been to Oxford (this was mentioned every other sentence, despite their university years being 3 decades ago - clearly it was the highlight of their lives) and were in despair because their daughter was only average academically. This puzzled them because they were just so brilliant themselves.

I remember the mother saying 'Fred and I are coming to terms with the fact that there ARE other universities, but it's been very hard'. That poor girl!

Needless to say....I drifted away from these friends of friends!

She need a route to next step - look at local college courses and do it before results day.

Though she may well need to try and re-take maths and English depends on grades. If she wants uni there are other routes in - btec if exams are the issue - but she may not want to.

I think best thing is to have a plan to move forward - and uni isn't only option and it can be done later in life if needed. It's still natural to worry but having a plan - which is is part of and fully on board with - does help.

Most students and parents have routes sorted by now - but results day they did have teachers and council career people and a NEET program stationed at DC school last few years - so clearly not all do or some have to change plans.

Sadly, I've met people like OP (and she's not unique amongst MN posters).

They expect their DC to get all 9s at GCSE, all A stars at A Level and then go on to a university, preferably Oxbridge and most definitely a Russell Group university. Then they should get a well paying job; if they are female it might be acceptable to marry a man with a similar background and become a SAHM.

Any deviation from this plan is just "wrong" and not to be imagined. Sensible children comply or incur the family wrath.

Although, in OP's defence, I do have a sneaking niggle that her worry might be as much or more due to concern about reactions from her parents and wider family when her DC doesn't perform as expected, as from her own opinions.

It’s a good idea to find out what went wrong as only then will she be able to move forward. Here are some reasons:

1. not using the right revision techniques eg not doing past papers
2. not writing good notes from lessons and refining those notes
3. poor quality teaching
4. lack of confidence/ panicking
5. not having the right exam techniques eg not spending ten minutes answering a question that is listed as being worth 2 marks
6. being bullied in school
7. not doing her homework and learning from feedback
8. not having the intellect

40 years ago I was saved by a friend whose dad was a chemistry teacher and she gave me past papers to practice on.

Main character syndrome much?! This is about your DD. Not you. My mother carried on like you do, and it's had a lasting impact on our relationship.

Just awful.

These are great tips but probably a bit late for OP's DD now, considering results are next week.

Remember its her life not yours. Maybe she does not want to do A levels and go to Uni

But if she moves forward into a different education opportunity at college, understanding that she didn’t revise in the right way for example will help her. Understanding that she isn’t ready intellectually will also guide her.

Dr - not particularly highly paid in the UK, and extremely competitive (I live in Norfolk where there’s not an especially high cost of living and know multiple Drs who live in small one bedroom flats and a couple of consultants who live in very simple houses). Lawyer - unless you’re one of the top firms not hugely well paid, and much of the bulk work will likely be overtaken by AI in coming years. Engineer/architect unless again, it’s one of the top firms not massively well paid and likely to be massively oversubscribed due to AI - with the bulk work done by a computer there will be less jobs for the human bits which will go to those with experience and/or exceptional talent.

The most financially comfortable people I know are those with trades or construction related jobs like surveying.

The big points are though - not everyone is cut out to be a Dr/Engineer/Architect etc. Not everyone is cut out to go to university. Not everyone has to figure out what they’re doing with their life when they’re 16 (going back to doctors again because, as a nurse I know a lot of them - quite a few trained in later life after doing various things. My nursing colleagues also include a range of people who retrained after being teachers, chefs, flight attendants etc). Not everyone in the SE (or anywhere else) can have a professional high earning job- and many hairdressers etc still have perfectly nice lives.

It sounds like you have high expectations of her to be someone she’s not and work towards something she doesn’t want to do. Surely her being happy is more important than her working towards jobs that sound wholly unsuited to who she is.

Would anyone here not worry if their DC only got one GCSE?

But you are, she's said shes intrested in hairdressing so why dont you go to college open evening and see about courses etc. If she revised and failed her mocks she might just not be academic.
Hairdressing isnt necessarily low wage. My hairdresser was self employed, and managed to co own her own salon and buy her own house before 30

One GCSE is a massive barrier to any kind of job,even minimum wage, especially if it's not in English and maths.OP needs to ensuring her DD gets the basics not worrying about why she's not going to be a lawyer. It's all about potential and making sure that child is pushed to achieve all they can. For some it will be a high flying career as a City lawyer and for some it will be something more practical like hairdressing. It's all about making sure the child has options. One GCSE will mean they have little to no options, but doing a vocational course alongside a functional skills qualification in English and maths will mean they have options they wouldn't have if they were forced to do do GCSES over and over again and failing until they drop out of education at 18 because their parent wants them to do A levels.

You are pushing. Your time and energy would have been better spent over the last few years engaging with her and school, what were her predicted grades? Why did she fail her mocks- a bright child even not revising (er hello DS2) shouldn't be failing mock exams. There is more going on here than whether or not she goes to uni.

Results are next week- its literally too late to worry about anything now, just be there for her next week. If she hasn't done as SHE hopes to, work with her to make a plan. Uni is very far from the be all and end all, regardless of what "everyone in your family" does. Surely if exams are this important to you you would know whether and how she was revising, did she attend extra sessions put on at school, have you helped with flashcards and all that if that works for her?

If she does fail there is always the chance to retake and she can still work at further qualifications they just mightn't be what you approve of. And my hairdresser earns a lot more per hour than I do, by the way. She also works flexibly from home and in salon, and around her family. Not a job to be dissed if thats where your daughters passion lies.

What does your daughter want to do? That's what is important - not what YOU want.

I must jump in here and say as a psychotherapist the sheer amount of Indian clients I’ve had over the past 20 years who are plagued by depression, low self esteem and awful perfectionist thinking is staggering.

your cultures attitude to academia may be admirable to you, but I deal with the consequences of it regularly. Awful awful awful.

never feeling good enough.
constantly feeling like a failure
excessive worry
immense pressure on children
over worked
not happy

then modelling this with their own children for the cycle to rinse and repeat.

horrendous. But they’re a high earner so that takes the cake! Unbelievably sad for the children.

Plus hairdressers (or plumbers etc) are highly unlikely to be replaced by AI anytime in the near future.

Fair point. I think this is very sensible.

Not being unkind but not everyone is capable of being a Dr or Lawyer don’t push her to do something that she may not be academically capable of of and set her up for failure.

If you're not academic and failed mocks then a levels are likely not for you.

My niece didn't get the grades to do a levels at her school and ended up on a course at college. She was devastated but within a week or two had made friends and she passed the course which had large on the job training and was offered a job in one of the placements.
I got two es at a levels as I had glandular fever and just was so unwell. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but ended up working my way up as a secretary before moving into marketing and sales.
A levels are not the be all and end all. Neither is university. With the way university adds debt to your life now, i don't wish this on my child. I hope he follows his heart and own wants and needs and not the expectations of others

Well that's all you can hope for, that she did her revision and did her best. If that's the case and her results are under par, then you need to support her along a less academic route, horses for courses

Maybe she’s just not academic - why would you want her to go to uni if she’s not made that way??

Maybe think less about what you want and ask her what she wants.

I'm afraid if she failed her mocks and isn't very academic she's not cut out to be a Dr / lawyer / engineer. It sounds as though she has come to terms with this but you have not. You need to realign your expectations of her.