Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

The dad has been married to the OP for three years, he subsidises her lifestyle and her children, and now he's thinking of severing ties with his own children.

Cinderella springs to mind more than grabby SS, tbh.

I think that SS has overstepped and been clumsy in his request. He needs redirecting on how to ask in a more sensitive manner. If he is asking about the future inheritance from his grandfather then I think it would be reasonable to explain in the way you have here. If he is asking about other finances then he’s a CF who needs some explanation about boundaries.

This is the warning shot OP! Do not under any circumstances talk to your stepchild or meet his request.

Now you know how you will be treated if your husband dies and you are left as the remaining spouse. Now you know, now you prepare. This is brutal but you need to protect yourself. What your stepson has asked is vile.

I think your husband is taking the cocky attitude of an 18yr old way to seriously - and needs to put him in his place.

If my 17yr old came to.me.expecting any kind of accounting of my life she would very much get told where to go.

A problem with some step children - of which I am one - is they are given the impression that their parent is not allowed any kind of life outside of them. This can be true of all children (this place sees alot of entitled adult children)

The above shows that grandfather made provision for each of the cousins beyond their parents lifetime and he could perhaps be privy to that accounting- if the 'trustees' feel that is appropriate. But that is a list of assets. The revenue is not his concern as that will not become his at any stage and I assume is managed appropriately by the 'trustees'.

I think there is more to this too. I can't imagine the SS has just randomly decided to bring this up when you have been married for years.

I suspect it's to do with the university funding and the fact that the father is claiming he can't afford to help out more when the SS can see that a substantial portion of the father's income is being spent subsidising OP and her children. I know technically the father can do as there are no stipulations on how this money is spent but it's pretty obvious that the spirit of the trust is that ultimately the assets should benefit the people within the biological family and not OP and her kids.

Blended families are messy. A blended family with a trust is doubly so.

No it’s not. Financial disclosure is based on the resident parent so his mums finances. His dads won’t come into it

So many posters are glossing over the father’s apparent willingness to sever his relationship with his child(ren) over this. That is not how a loving parent talks or acts.

OP is giving very brief information about this all (and apparently not trying to prevent a breakdown of relationship between father and scarcely-an-adult child). I may have this completely wrong (and apologies to @Greenhairedmonstor if so) but i think there is a lot more to this than meets the eye.

Totally agree - do not get into this. It’s none of his business.

It seems like SS fundamentally misunderstands how the assets, income and whole thing is set up. He seems to think what your DH gets is depleting the assets, rather than him receiving a fixed income.

The thing is, he needs to understand that if you and your kids weren’t in the picture, your DH would still be spending the money on whatever he wanted, be that his family, fancy cars, model trains, cocaine & hookers or prize guinea pigs.

"This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover."

I think you actually need to deal with this more lightly. He is 18, he lacks maturity and insight. I think this needs a quick knock back - no of course he doesn't get oversight of his dad's finances, it's just silly. Say Ridikulus to the boggart. But do sit down with him and talk about any finances he does need to understand for the not-quite-trust thing as pertains to him. And if his dad can, he should reassure him that he is treating all his children fairly and that this is a priority.

My sister as a teen once, in all seriousness, suggested that our parents should sell their house and give her a quarter of the proceeds so she could buy a car. She's a decent human being who was going through a "brain a bit broken" stage of adolescence. She got the shirt shrift the idea deserved and they moved on. It's appalling the adults involved are talking about this as unforgivable.

I don't disagree that your stepson is being a grabby dick, but unless there's a lot more to the story, your DH should not be writing off his relationship with his 18 year old son before exhausting every avenue to sort it out, starting by explaining properly how the trust actually works.

Your post is really confusing. You mentioned ss wanting an account of money spent on your children but haven’t clarified who these children are or why the ss would be concerned with this.

The most bizarre aspect of your post is that your husband considers this may be the end of his relationship with his ss. Does he not possess any conflict resolution skills or feel any need to parent and talk to his child properly?

You mention your contribution to the finances but has anyone explained this to the ss or are you both assuming him to know this via mind reading? He doesn’t appear to understand how the not a trust thing works. Perhaps your husband’s inability to communicate openly has led to this issue. Encourage him to talk to his child.

My husband or his siblings CANNOT diminish the assets but can spend the income generated.

My stepchildren know the terms of their grandfather’s legacy.

They both work hard as this RG university place demonstrates.

Someone picked me up on the use of the word subsidised. I can support both myself and my children however, like most people in a couple I live in an area of England and in a house that I couldn’t afford myself. I go on holidays that I might not otherwise be able to afford every year.

My elder stepchild is intelligent and I don’t believe he is being egged on by his mother.

Any money spent on my children like that ski trip and family holidays is resented bitterly. My aunty came over and took my daughter to a show. When she was telling her step-sibling about it the immediate question was who had paid.

Someone said my husband is eager to let his children go, this is absolutely not the case. He is terrified of losing the relationship. He supports them and SS will be supported at university.

I’m 50 my dad is 78 I don’t have a clue about his finances as they are none of my business. My own adult children don’t know my finances because, guess what? It’s none of their business

I'm going to hazard a guess that those making posts like this are only thinking this way because OP is from another country.

@Greenhairedmonstor - that was me and a few others. Sorry for misreading. But why does your DH think this needs to be the end if the relationship? That is an extreme reaction.

OP, you work, you receive a rental income for a property and your kids have a father who supports them.

With all this, why couldn’t you pay for your own son’s school trip?

I think your step-child has a point and I wonder if your DH thinking it’s the end of his relationship with his child is because you are meddling in it.

Tell your DH to be the adult and talk to his son and reassure him.

He may have been discussing the situation with his cousins. They all have parents who are benefitting from the estate. He may have received encouragement to step up and ask for details. Hubby needs to check in with his siblings. And calm down. This does not need to be relationship ending. It's a cheeky request but did he receive a holiday or was it only your child? It's the little things that hurt in a blended family.

While we don’t know exactly what sort of legacy management mechanism is in place here (trust, FIC etc), if SS is not currently a named beneficiary, trust board member, or shareholder, then he’s entitled to know sweet FA. I’d take this as a warning shot across the bows and arrange a meeting either with the trust board, solicitors, or with whoever is managing the FIC and make sure everything is absolutely water tight, because if he doesn’t grow out of this grabby twat phase he could cause bigger problems in the years to come, especially if you find yourself widowed and the current beneficiaries start to dwindle.

I strongly advise you not to do this. Don’t get involved at all, it will be misinterpreted, deliberately or otherwise.

Keep telling yourself when they go low, we go high. Classy restraint is what’s required here.

I think your husband needs to talk to his children. Your stepson is well and truly in the wrong here, not least because he's no more "earned" the money than you have; for now it all belongs to your husband for him to do as he sees fit.

But I think the starting point needs to be your husband figuring out where his childrens' sense of entitlement comes from. Is there an unmet need/some sort of trauma from the separation of their parents?

In your shoes, I would stay well out of any direct conversation with the stepchildren until your husband has figured things out with his children.

That's correct but doesn't mean the DS here is getting enought to actually live off - and that may be driving this.

Its' all very well saying oh they can work - some courses make that hard and there is a lot of compettition for any jobs as many are in the same boat.

It's close to results day perhaps it's looking suddenly real and budgets have been looked at and gaps found maybe there's a worry he can't afford to go and this fuck up approach has come about.

I don't know - is something perhaps OP DH could ask about.

It does sound like a very rude request and major over step but 18 year olds can be very self absorbed and clueless - most parents push back and correct them not jump to cutting them off and going NC.

I wouldn’t discuss finances with your step-son at all, it’s got absolutely nothing to do with him and I wouldn’t give him a feeling of power or satisfaction by discussing it with him. He’s coming across as an ignorant brat.

So would I. 👀

if he’s the beneficiary of a trust then he may well have a legal right to information it.

“I'm going to hazard a guess that those making posts like this are only thinking this way because OP is from another country.”

@saraclara - for me, it has nothing to do with OP being from another country. The same applies to much of my extended family. And why suggest that anyone taking another view is doing it out of bigotry?

For me, it was to do with the repeated statement that OP’s husband sees this as causing the end of the relationship with his son which seemed to suggest a real willingness to throw the relationship away. The OP has now confirmed that is not the case.