Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

Expecting to look through your parents finances is wild

i would just tell him. Haha - that's not how it works. Our money is our money. Not your money.

Tell him to go away and make his life on the assumption he'll get nothing and then if there's anything leftover it will be a nice bonus. Tell him you both intend to live a long and healthy life, and he'll be in his 50s before he needs to think about it in any great depth.

And I would point out that talking about his inheritance is really rude because it is talking about your death and that the only thing that matters to him is money. Tell him it shows a distinct lack of love and caring his part to do so.

Same question here, he would cut off his son because his teenage (only just adult) son overstepped a bit regarding finances?
Your husband needs to reassure his son that he won't lose out, that he won't get an inheritance off his dad for many years yet and shouldn't be interfering in how his dad chooses to spend his money now.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress

I don’t know why you are confused. I talk about my children and how my ex meets his financial obligations. My SS is concerned when my husband spends money on them as he feels his and his sibling’s inheritance from their father will be diminished. This is separate to money generated from their grandfather.

This conflict is of course deeply upsetting to my husband who doesn’t want it to escalate. He can’t just tell his own child to mind their own business without some sort of backlash.

I really cant see why your DSS thinks he has the right to see his fathers financial details.
i would get some legal advice regarding the complicated FIL estate and send a solicitors letter to your DSS explaining his position.

Absolutely he deserves no more or less than this. At least your dh isn’t trying to defend his son’s behaviour, there’s that small blessing.

He supports them and SS will be supported at university.

If the step child knows how the non trust operates and knows they will be suppiorted at Unni - then tell him to wind his neck in.

If it's mentioned again in future - I'd do what PP suggest and make sure all protections are there in case he tried something in future.

But for now - DH needs to tell him to fuck off and what he's asking is none of his bussiness and move on.

It still seems that the stepson resents money being spent on the OP and her children. It's been a relatively short marriage and it does look like he sees her as a gold-digger. It's hard to say who's wrong or right about that from the thread.

OP does your husband also take his own kids on ski trips and expensive holidays? Does the resentment purely come from the fact he thinks his dad is wasting 'his' money (on the OP and her kids) or are there actual legitimate grounds for that resentment?

Ok, look he’s 18 and being a twat, but your husband has to dial down the drama, about the relationship never recovering, or he’s devastated, it’s ridiculous

he needs to act like a grown up, and talk to his son. Explain it’s his money, he will spend it as he wishes, it is not his son’s money, he is not entitled to it. And tell him the conversation on finances ends.

but this isn’t about money. It’s about resentment over his new marriage and the time spent with your kids, so he needs to deal with this. What is his son feeling, does he feel excluded. Does he feel your kids get more of his time. What’s the real issue and address that.

and dial down the drama, it’s where his son gets it from.

Also, any chance this has been prompted by your husband’s ex?

@Greenhairedmonstor

It would appear that somewhere along the line, your elder stepson has been given the impression that you and your children are somehow more financially favoured?

Your husband does not need to discuss his finances, in detail. It's none of his son's business.

Rather than your husband taking umbrage at this wholly unreasonable request, it is, at least, worth a chat with his son to unravel where his (the son's) misunderstanding comes from.

There is no need for your husband to distance himself just because he feels uncomfortable/angry

He can’t just tell his own child to mind their own business without some sort of backlash.

That is not an appropriate question to ask another adult - and I will not be providing any further details - coming from DH his dad not you.

If there a back lash from that - well then there are bigger problems in relationship - try and wait it out and if it doesn't change in next few years well that's who he is and your DH and you will have to act accordingly.

I wonder whether stepchild's bitterness comes from a sense of frustration. It must be hard to know that there's a pot of money with your name on it, but you can't get any of it until your parent and their siblings all die - presumably a long way off.

If it is simply a cash asset, generating interest (which is being spent by your dh and his siblings - as is their right), then inflation will be depleting the value/spending power over time. But that changes nothing.

Presumably FIL set things up this way to ensure that his children got benefit from his assets, but that there would always be something left for dgc. Stepchild is fortunate it was done this way. It's just that he doesn't get to feel the benefit until the rest of the family have died.

People keep asking the same questions.

people are saying that my DH is contemplating severing ties with his children. He would be horrified by this . He adores his children.

As I have said before he sees them separate together and that includes expensive holidays.

I would just say sorry son, you don't seem to undertsand how it works. Our money is our money and we'll spend it how we like. You don't get any say in it and we're not accountable to your for it. I am not sure what gave you the idea your were.

We inherited money from FiL, not you. And we'll decide how it will be split among the children, if there's anything left.

Now you go and build a fabulous future for yourself where you don't have to think about our money. We know you can do it.

Do people not converse anymore but go straight to ‘write him out the will’ ‘tell him to fuck off’

I'm guessing he doesn’t have a very good relationship with his son already if he’s not able to have a sensible conversation with him about this

there’s clearly jealousy and I would imagine that’s actually more about time than money but the latter is obviously easier to count

This stepchild is now an adult, and very much needs to focus on making their own money and their own way in life, rather than basically seeing what they can get from their dad.

If your husband has chosen to spend money on your children as well as his own, that to me says that he is a good person - and in no way expects you to pay him back, unless it was specifically given as a loan.

The son sounds absolutely batshit and nasty.

This money has made them greedy and entitled.

"That's none of your business" needs to become the default response.

He needs to set aside elset funds that he intends to support them with. So "you will 500 a month while you're at uni. You will get 20k towards your house deposit, you will get 10k towards a first wedding and you will get 5k towards a first child. That is all you will ever get. They will be gifts. You have no rights to my money or information on my finances. When I am dead you will inherit a share of the assets your grandparents left behind. I will spend my money on whatever and whoever I want and it is nothing to do with you."

Can your dh just have a conversation with his kids, to let them know he doesn't need to get involved, his share is protected, and that the behaviour is making you all uncomfortable?

He doesn’t need to blow his relationship up. He just needs to speak to his son as an adult. Acknowledge that he’s not getting in to it and reassure him as it’s most likely based in jealousy.

’you asked to see my finances and you seem to be concerned about how I spend my money and how SC may be benefiting. You’re an adult now and so I’m talking to you man to man - and I need to be very clear, what I do with my money is none of your business. I will not be negotiating with you on what I spend my money on. It actually has upset me as it feels very entitled that you would ask to see that and think you have any opinion, but taking a step back I do wonder if there’s any jealousy here? Because I’m living with SC and maybe you’re worried that’s they’ve some how replaced you, I promise you they do not replace you. I love you and you’re the most important people to me. But I do not want to hear another word about how I spend my money.’

He is a young person who doesn't know the rules. Just tell him teh rules. He'll squirm when he thinks of this when he's older!

Op, I can see how upsetting this can be to your husband. I think there are two separate issues here: one is the grandfather’s asset which will pass to the grandchildren upon the death of all the husband’s siblings? Is that correct? If that is the case one can argue that SS may be entitled to access information about it. What his categorically not entitled to is to get info or any say on how your husband manages his derived income from the asset and his other income from his business not he is entitled to any “compensation” in the future after your husband’s death to recoup any money spent on you and your children. As far as the law is concerned, your husband can will all his assets except for the protected one from GF to you, your children or anyone else totally bypassing his biological children.

Your FIL left the money to his own children, SS can wait his turn for when the unfortunate time comes when he looses his own dad. Inheritance is never a given! SS is a cheeky greedy boy (to put it politely).

I think your DH can simply say to his son that he is not going to discuss his day to day finances with him, that the terms of his Grandad’s Will obviously still stand and he has adequate provision made for himself and his sibling in his own Will. That there is no list kept of amounts he spends on his step-children and there will be no reimbursement of these amounts down the line. That he will continue to supports his children through Uni.

I agree, OP should not get involved at all.