Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

Tell them being an adult does not allow you access to other adults finances. He sounds ridiculous and entitled beyond belief.

That he's got a hell of a lot of growing up to do of he thinks he can demand access to anything of that nature.

It's none of his business and it never will be. Unless the person dies and leaves all their money to them. Even then what they spent in the past isn't remotely relevant.

If he can't handle that then he's not an adult is he?

So it sounds to me that the assets are fixed, and the 4 siblings have a life interest in the income generated from them. That income has nothing to do with you DH's children - your DH can spend this money as he wishes.

Then, after the 4 siblings die, the assets will be sold and divided between their children. It is only at that point that your stepchildren have any interest in the assets. Perhaps your stepchild does not fully understand this financial situation - he/she seems to think they have an interest now. I think your DH needs to sit down with them and explain exactly how it works.

Out of interest, what do you think your stepchild thinks is going on with the income from the assets? Is your DH spending ££££ on your children and he/she is jealous? How has your relationship with him/her been up until this point?

Ok so as I understand it the assets from this trust are your husbands now and on his death will pass to your step children. Do you have a lifetime interest in your house or is that just your husbands? Your stepchild seems pretty mercenary which to be honest is not unusual in wealthy families but he/she has no right to see your husbands finances let alone yours even the income from this trust. Presumably your husband is generous with his children and doesn’t treat them differently to yours? I would be pissed off if I was your husband and would let him sort it out. It is none of your SC business how much he spends on you and your children as he has his own business too which he could leave to anyone. The SC sounds pretty entitled

Don't even think about talking to them. This is a conversation that you must not get involved with. It would only inflame the situation. This has to be down to your DH

I suggest that before your DH speaks to his son, you and he sit together and make a list of the points that your DH needs to make. Your own income and child's father can be on that list.

The grandkids don't have any right to the money at all until all the parents are dead.

It is not his money. It was his granddad's money. His granddad's will does not state any of these conditions your step son is trying to implement.

Quite frankly the estate would have to be massive to fund the care of 4 people's care needs in old age.

He's getting entitled and greedy way too soon, that money isn't coming anywhere near him for decades.

If I was DH I'd be removing financial support as soon as possible or the kid is grow up thinking it's everyone else's job to fund his life. He needs to learn to support himself.

Is he worried about Uni funding being impacted? Is someone feeding him wrong information? MIL had really odd ideas about inheritance but quickly adapted when told actual situation - but many people seemed to think she was right initally.

It sound very bad and rude that he's making demands.

However first step I would have though would be to explain his Dad income is his to do as he wants and at what point he'd get the sale of the assets - (it's not clear if it's when his Dad dies or when all that generation of siblings have passed on).

Then to point out your financial situation beyond that is none of his bussiness - and then if you want to point out you have your own assets and income.

Your poor DH, discovering that he has a child who thinks like this...I would be devastated.

I think you should keep completely out of discussions with the SS as that will only fan the flames, and I don't think DH should discuss it with him anyway...other than to tell him (as calmly and politely as he can manage) that when he inherits it, in exactly the same way as DH did, he will be able to do with it as he thinks fit, as DH is now doing. And then leave it there.

rather than telling him to fuck off or see this as the end of their relationship why doesn’t he sit down with him and discuss his worries? Is SS worried about university costs and your DH isn’t covering any of them?

How old are your kids?

it’s always better to resolve things in a mature manner than going straight for cutting people off. He’s 18 and your DH has brought him up so should be able to recognise where things coming from and that he is still very young with no real experience of the world

Batshit. Who has put him up to this? And definitely don't get involved in any conversations trying to justify yourself - this is entirely a DH problem.

Surely there is more to this though OP? Is Step child (I thought it was a son not sure where I got that from) normally an arse?

Just say No.

If it's "something like a trust, but not" (OP, you're not being very clear), surely this wouldn't be allowed?
It does sound like your husband only has a lifetime interest and the capital belongs to the kids, from what you say, but you aren't specific, so I would see a lawyer if I were you, and be completely open and clear, and find out what everyone is permitted to see and do. I wouldn't want to give information on here and presumably a qualified person needs full information to give a proper answer.

The proportion of the income which is your husband’s is his to use as he likes during his lifetime. He can spend it on his children, your children, put it in savings, spend it on lavish holidays or give it all away, and it is none of his children’s business.

It’s not diminishing the value of the underlying assets, so the idea of you reimbursing the estate for anything spent on your children is completely out of order. Would they say the same if he chose to give it all to charity?

I can understand your DH being gutted, but suggest that he take a few deep breaths and then calmly tell his child that he is out of order. Explain the terms of the trust and that there are no restrictions on how he spends his share (assuming there are not) and therefore his child has no right to know how he spends it, and there is absolutely no basis on which you or anyone would have to reimburse the estate, Then hope the child has the sense to accept this, and apologise,

Your step son is obviously being completely unreasonable here and your DH needs to tell him so in no uncertain terms.

But (unless there's a back story) it seems a bit OTT for your DH to say that this is the "end of their relationship". Surely he just needs to tell DSS to jog on? Lots of 18 year olds can be a bit selfish and entitled. Hopefully he'll grow out of it.

On the face of it the stepson looks grabby. But it depends. If for example his half-siblings with the OP are all at eye-wateringly expensive private schools and he went to the local comp, or they all have ponies, or get taken away to Gstaad for the entire ski season etc etc then the SS might well see that as depletion of assets at his expense.

Has your SS got any grounds for thinking like this, OP?

I would approach it the same way as if they just asked "what am i inheriting". None of your business is the reply.

Unless it was stipulated that it legally had to be passed onto the next generation it is down to your DH how he uses it and how he passes it on and by asking in such a way they are putting this at risk.

It needs nipped in the bud now so they are clear. Your DH needs to be clear, strong and supportive. Otherwise it will fester into a big issue.

The son is wrong in the way he is going about this obviously, but I'd be hugely surprised if this came totally out of the blue. The OP hasn't said anything about how the relationship is normally, as to why the step son has come to the conclusion that his dad is spending extravagantly on the OP's children.

Unless there is a restriction in this "not quite a trust" that limits how your husband spends the income he receives from it, how he spends it is none of his son's business. And how he spends his other income is definitely none of his son's business. I would love to know where your stepson has got the idea that his father's estate needs to be reimbursed for any money he has spent on your children. I've heard this kind of thing from clueless teenagers who think they know everything before. It may be that your stepson is being egged on by his clueless friends. Someone needs to explain to him that he has no right to know how his father spends his money and that he needs to back off unless he is happy to destroy his relationship with his father.

It sounds as though your stepchild is a bit confused by the way the grandfather has set this all up and doesn't understand the difference between his father's inheritance and finances and his own inheritance.

Rather than being upset, I think your DH should just explain the difference.

My children are 10 and 12, there are no joint children, nor will there be, I am 47. We have been married for three years.

It is not a trust as such. My husband cannot deplete any assets. He can however, use any money generated as he sees fit.

My husband paid for a school trip for my son which my son spoke openly about, with gratitude.

My stepchildren have all of their needs and wants met .

My younger stepchild stays often and both of them see their father alone without us intruding.

My husband is devastated, elder stepchild seems very bitter.

Your stepchildren are an embarrassment. How appallingly grabby.

But you are not covering yourself in glory either. Nobody has ever subsided me, I, like every other woman in the modern world have the freedom to make my own way in life. This is not the 1920's we no longer need subsiding!

Id better my bottom dollar there's loads more to this.

I agree.

I'd treat it as a miss understanding and poor social skills at 18 and in reponse - give information about how the not trust been set up - and then then see how they behave.

If they make further demands of income details or demands OP pay back anything then I'd talk about boundaries and cut off.

First take would be immature 18 year old perhaps a bit worried or wound up by someone else not understanding the situation and repsond with facts calm and expectation of better attitude going forward.

Though do agree best to come entirely from DH - the parent here.

@Greenhairedmonstor - your answers are quite brief as is your right. But the fact that your DH seems to be thinking that this is the end of his relationship with his own children is odd and makes me a bit suspicious about how your DH is treating his DCs and whether your stepson’s concerns have more foundation than you’re making out.

Frankly, we’re all capable of being arseholes occasionally. Asking these questions should not bring an end to a loving/functional parent/child relationship. He shouldn’t be providing the information but why is he so keen to throw his own child(ren) away?

This is a grab for part of your home if your husband dies prior to you. Is that marital property owned jointly or part of the not quite trust?

He sounds massively resentful and entitled. It's up to your husband to deal with him. He's basically wanting to audit you and your husband's financial life and affairs and that sounds insanely controlling.

This also doesn't sound like it's come from an 18 year old. It's from someone else and you'd better figure out who. They sure don't like you and your husband.

I'd go with husband and see a lawyer about this to see if there's any validity to SS's understanding of the financial setup and shut it down hard if not, and take mitigation steps if there is.

But - unless the Op has deliberately not included that her husband has started selling off/damaging assets or creditors are involved - then surely the Remainderman doesn't have a say in how any income is spent.