Stepchild wants to see finances and money spent on his stepsiblings.

[Greenhairedmonstor]

My late FiL who I never met, left school at 15, fell into the right crowd while he was doing a labouring job and ended up with a little empire.

There is something in place that is not quite a trust. It allows SiL to choose to live frugally without working, and has enabled my husband and his brothers an income which supplements their incomes.

Their children will benefit after their parents’ deaths when whatever is in place will be dissolved.

My husband has his own business as well.

My stepchild is 18 and will go to university next month. I also have another stepchild who is 13.

The eldest has asked that now that they are an adult that they want to look at my husband’s finances. Essentially they want an account of any money that is spent on my children and they wanted my husband’s estate to be reimbursed from my share of the house when he dies.

Now Mumsnet always asks, no I was not the other woman, my ex meets more than his share of his financial responsibilities and I also work and rent out a house that I own in my home country that I will eventually return to. Husband’s ex is comfortable and I don’t believe this has come from her.

Inevitably my husband subsidises our life.

This has been a bitter blow to my husband and he doesn’t see how his relationship with his child(ren) will recover.

That was my thinking too. I think there's more to this than meets the eye.

The stepson clearly thinks he's been treated unfairly - the OP says herself that he is 'bitter', so why is that if he's set to inherit very well indeed - and there's rarely smoke without fire.

Your first post is confused and only talks about stepchildren and not your own children and whether your current partner is the father of these or not.

I think it's a complex issue because although everyone has the right to leave money to who they want, most people also think that children should be treated equally where at all possible, and it is not obvious that this is the case.

The details given here are to vague to rush into a snap judgement.

Oh actually I misunderstood the set up. There are assets. Say houses with a rental income. Each month money is made, that money is then split between 4 siblings. On their death. All the houses get sold so that money that is generated is not a part of the pot being inherited by the grandchildren at all. It is the children/parents to with entirely as they please. They could give it to charity. They could wipe their arse with it. They could save it. Invest it. Whatever it is entirely their own money and their use of it has no impact on the original assets or their ability to be passed down to the grandchildren.

So it's got even LESS to do with greedy young man what his dad spends his own money on!

Just tell him he won't be inheriting from his dad so not to worry about what his dad does with his own money. You don't actually have to write him out the will. But he clearly thinks his dad's money is his and his dad is just borrowing it.

totally agree, my first thought was that it must have been a knife in the heart to your DH

Please tell your husband not to overreact. An 18-year-old is still very much a child and probably somebody has whispered in his ear and dropped poison about stepfamilies. His father should take him out for dinner and talk him through family finances in a very broad way so that the son knows how things are structured, how it will work after your husband's death and importantly that your husband is allowed to spend his own money as he chooses and that it is normal for couples to spend money on each other. Please get him to try and treat it as an immature youngster rather than a malevolent grasping adult.

we don't have anything like the resources that you sound as that you do, but at one point one of my children said something like we should top up their at ISA allowances rather than building savings for their eventual house deposits in an account that was paying tax at higher rate rates. Whilst I could see it made sense to him, I was very quick to shut him down and say it was our money and it would be until we gave it to them if we chose to and I didn't feel that I had to cut him off at that point!

So its an asset which your DH doesnt own but has the full benefit of the income derived from it. The asset will then pass to his children when he passes. No choice in the matter. Your DH CANNOT sell or reduce the asset in any way.

OK, so as long as he doesnt try to reduce or sell it his DS has zero input on what he does with it. He needs to make this clear to his DS. He can burn the extra for all it matters. He just cant deplete it.

After your updates I wonder if this isn’t about money at all but more about attention

does he see your DH acting as the father figure to your kids that he wished he had been to him? Does he actually see your kids as replacements? Has he spent more time with your kids than his own over the last 5 or so years? Has there been any point where your SS has felt let down or neglected by his dad?

The fact your DH is ‘devastated’ and questioning his relationship with the son seems like a massive overreaction tbh and I would question how a father could even be questioning the relationship at all

what are the terms of this thing "... that is not quite a trust..." and how does it affect your husband and his children from a previous relationship?

You explain absolutely nothing to him. He has no right to your financial information & think very carefully because disclosing out of "kindness". That would set a precedent that will jump up & bite you often in the future. Step son is sending a clear message about who he is & what's important to him. BELIEVE HIM.

of course he’s being cheeky & entitled but just wondering if this is his thinking you as wife will inherit the entire estate and he will get nothing?

What an arrogant, entitled brat! Its not his money and is none of his business.
Has your husband spoilt him?

My husband is devastated, elder stepchild seems very bitter.

He's 18 legally and according to MN an adult and in practise knows very little about anything.

If he's off to uni - his eyes and world view will in next few years undergo some big changes.

I'd suggest DH calmly tell him he's over stepped asking about income and bills - explain actual situation and keep some distance but door open and hope he grows up in next few years - and quietly try and figure out where this has come from- (suspect someone is shit stiring or worries about uni debt and living expenses)

I think so too

Your stepchild has no right to his fathers information nor to command that what his father spends money on is repaid.

Id get his father to tell him that his behaviour is clearly showing he is not yet grown up and is unable to view things as an adult. And that even if he were his father is not his chattel

Jesus. People are so grabby.

Wow. I know what I’d be saying to the stepson and it wouldn’t be: “of course you can! What a reasonable thing to ask for and expect!”

Fucking hell.

Is this connected to the parental finance disclosure for university fees and loans? If your stepson is only entitled to the minimum amount of maintenance loan then he may feel that your DH should be contributing to their rent costs etc? It's pretty much impossible for any student to survive on the minimum loan without being topped up by parents

It's obvious someone in the family is mad about the husband spending money on OP and her kids and thinks it's excessive to the point they want monies paid back to husband's estate if husband dies.

But the not trust is generating money that he's should be able to spend how he chooses. What's generating that income will be sold on he and his siblings' deaths and distributed among the grandchildren.

SS wants an audit of husband's spending. It sounds like they want someone constantly overseeing his financial outgoings and I don't see how they can demand that unless the not trust has some thoroughly hinky conditions attached to distributions.

OP now knows if her husband dies before her, someone is out to cause her trouble. That will be far worse if there's a breakdown between father and his kids here.

I see it like a house that the siblings own and rent out. The siblings share the income from the rent between them but can’t sell the house. When all the siblings have passed away, the children get the house to sell and share the money between them. ( Or something like that!!!)
in which case, the children wouldn’t appear to have any say in how the siblings spend the money that they receive as long as there’s no detriment to the asset that they own.

Yes I wonder if your DH isn’t contributing and your SS is upset because he is spending the money on your kids instead (as he sees it)

your DH needs to be the adult here

Hopefully this is a childish request and university will be a time of growing maturity.

Oh no! Shared finances between married people!

Could someone have put him up to it? His mother maybe? Or another family member?

It doesn’t have to spell the end of the relationship and I’m surprised that’s the immediate thought your husband had. Surely he has a calm conversation with SS and figures out what brought this up?

That isn't what has been said at all. In the event of the deaths of all 4 siblings, these assets will be sold and the money split 4 ways to be inherited by the children of each of the 4 siblings. Should these assets be houses, the state of the housing market when the siblings have died will impact the sale value and this particular 18 year old's 1/8th of that will. Knowing the current income is irrelevant to an 18 year old without the maturity to approach the interest in a non combative way.

Does it relate to a financial assessment to go to university or similar? Financial support that the 18 year old needs?