Rude husband

[billandtedsexcellentadventure]

I am at the end of my tether with my husband. He struggles socially. Have posted many times before. He finds chit chat hard. My family know this but will say hello and be polite but pretty much leave him to it.
we had a family meal last weekend. Parents hosted, all close family there. He went and sat away from everyone and basically just sat and drank for the whole evening. My uncle invited him over to where most people were sitting and he said no thanks the company’s better over here. He was by himself. I think he was trying to be funny. But I felt like this is rude. I feel like he was rude all evening. It probably would have been better if he just didn’t turn up to be honest. I’ve had a whole week to sit and think about it all and it’s given me the ick if I’m being honest. I need to speak to him about it. But really have no idea what to say. I’m sure he will say that everyone knows what he’s like etc, but that doesn’t make it ok. Didn’t know where else to post.

Why on earth are you with him? What does a rude, antisocial alcoholic add to your life?

Leave him.

I think it’s not unreasonable for you to expect your dh to make some effort socially with your family on the odd occasion. My dh would happily sit out a family get together, but he’ll make the effort when I ask him to join and he does it with good grace. Bit of compromise and give and take is all part of being in a partnership imo. If he just wants to please himself all the time, why be with anyone?

If he can't be civil he should stay at home. I couldn't be married to someone like this

I’ve had endless conversations with him over the years about this. He says he finds socializing hard. He finds it hard when I tell him how it makes me feel when he acts like this. It’s as if his anxiety about socializing makes him almost say stupid things which in turn make him sound and act rude. I just wanted others to see what they thought. But yeah realizing this this isn’t really going to last if it carries on like this.

I mean I’m in two minds about this.

i did used to go to my in laws family gatherings but they were bloody hard work and I think lots of people do find their in laws hard work.

if that’s the only issue (and you do say he struggles socially generally) I wouldn’t care but I’m guessing it isn’t

The more I’m thinking about it the worse my ick is getting.

Lots of people find socialising hard. Its not an excuse to be downright rude and obnoxious to the people you love. You can bet he would not do that with work colleagues.

Sorry OP but he is being so disrespectful and after a while it will drive a wedge between you and your family.

Is this new? Because if not, it seems unreasonable to suddenly query it. If it is, surely you'd want to look into why?
It seems quite a lot of people say they don't want to socialise with others now due to anxiety-it is is a genuine mental health issue, not sure rude is the right term. but if not, what has happened when you've asked him about it?

I can relate to this I always felt socially awkward and struggled
I would literally be panicking on the way to the type of event you say and it would be my idea of hell trying to make chit chat
and would preferred to be on my own

social anxiety is crushing and you have to have it to realise how crippling it is
people are completely dismissive and don’t understand it and say oh just be polite it’s excruciating when your t to integrate yourself

I would often end up pissed because I’d taking a mouthful of your drink to avoid having to interact

sound like he’s mildly on the spectrum with no insight and he’s always been line that

H s hiding behind his so called anxiety. If he truly had it he would not have been that rude as his anxiety would have rendered him speechless or meek and mild.
Not surprised you have the ick.

I think it may be a lack of confidence and he keeps to himself to avoid saying the wrong thing . Having said that I couldn’t be with someone like that , socialising is such a part of the human psyche and your family / friends must be stumped as to why your with him . Presumably he was able to communicate to get you to marry him so what’s changed .

I'm not really sociable either, some people just arent, but i don't really see the point in bringing up something that happened a week ago. Feels like this would just start an argument thats not necessary

@rwalkerthis is literally it. He just kept drinking. Which in turn I think led to him saying stupid things.

Has he tried getting treated for social anxiety, I had it quite bad and would make stupid jokes etc. having said that I would have been too anxious to make a point of sitting completely separately from everyone else. I’m usually one of those “ASD and ADHD is over diagnosed” people but in your husbands case could it be autism?

@sunandpeoniespretty sure you can have anxiety and it not render you speechless

@Bringemouti definitely think there’s some autism there. It’s fine when it’s just the two of us. We don’t go to many family events. So when we do it really shines a light on how he is.

how many people were there? You say close family but then mention an uncle which to me sounds like it could have been quite a big gathering. Maybe it would be easier arranging some smaller get togethers? Is he better if it’s just 2 couples for example? And then leave him home for larger gatherings? I do agree he shouldn’t be rude though although what he said sounds to me like an awkward joke gone wrong.

@rollingeyes12not many of us. About ten? My uncle is close to us. But this is what I’m trying to wrap my head round. I think it was a joke which wasn’t funny due to his awkwardness. But how do I address this?

I seriously would leave. He will just ruin your relationship with your family, ruin your social life. How can you enjoy life living with someone who you are worried will embarrass you like that whenever you go anywhere together?

‘So called anxiety’

you wouldn’t say this to a woman visiting her in-laws. No wonder men don’t speak up about their mental health

When did you last see a woman who was visiting her in laws sit on her own outside the family gathering, drinking herself into a stupor and refusing to join in.

This isn’t about anxiety. Its him trying to punish her for having her own support system. Its abuse, and the “anxiety” is a figleaf.

whether it is autism/introvert/social anxiety non are an excuse for being an arsehole and i say that as
someone who suffers from the above.

Gatherings of other people’s family are some of the hardest with all of the injokes and family foods and traditions that feel alien. BUT there are tools and techniques people use. And he needs to find his. Which parts does he find ok-and which parts would he rather avoid. It wont be everything.

I cope better if its not super long. If i have an exit plan and if i know i have time to myself to reset immediately afterwards. I find it ok to talk to people 1 on 1 at the event and not in a large group. I prefer to go up to the buffet last. I am quite happy listening without pressure to join in. I am engaged and dont sit separately on my own. But i might take breaks to the toilet, sit briefly indoors or walk around the garden or play with any kids.

For his wife if not for himself he needs to learn to cope better: we all have to do stuff we dont want to do sometimes

I don't get it. Everyone is aware of autism, but annoyed when it actually happens?
He should make some effort, if he can, but it might also be too much for him. Also, why would you expect him to change?

I would leave him at home next time, do everyone a favour.

Of course it was offensive, not the comment alone, but going to someone’s home and then sitting away from them is completely unacceptable. If he’s so socially awkward he really can’t cope he should have either made excuses and left or never came.

i simply could not be with someone whose issues were so severe.