Rude husband

[billandtedsexcellentadventure]

I am at the end of my tether with my husband. He struggles socially. Have posted many times before. He finds chit chat hard. My family know this but will say hello and be polite but pretty much leave him to it.
we had a family meal last weekend. Parents hosted, all close family there. He went and sat away from everyone and basically just sat and drank for the whole evening. My uncle invited him over to where most people were sitting and he said no thanks the company’s better over here. He was by himself. I think he was trying to be funny. But I felt like this is rude. I feel like he was rude all evening. It probably would have been better if he just didn’t turn up to be honest. I’ve had a whole week to sit and think about it all and it’s given me the ick if I’m being honest. I need to speak to him about it. But really have no idea what to say. I’m sure he will say that everyone knows what he’s like etc, but that doesn’t make it ok. Didn’t know where else to post.

YABU. You married him knowing he was like this, knowing he “struggles socially”. You accepted it.

So no, you cannot complain now. It isn’t out of the blue.

Why do you keep taking him to things that he doesn't like and isn't good at?

If he is shy, introverted, anxious etc then making him go to social things must be torture for him

Presumably he's been like this for a while..

Part of being in an adult relationship is to make some effort with your partner's friends and family. I'd understand the odd bad day where a partner couldn't cope but if this is what they're just like and it can't be treated then they should probably stay single, it's not fair on any partner.

I’d compare how he is at other social events. Does he have friends, go to a workplace with other people, see his own family? And does he sit on his own and not talk to anyone on those occasions?

Leave him at home when you're socialising. Don't inflict his poor behaviour on others.

You have suddenly decided he is autistic based on what? No evidence whatsoever of this.

Neurodiversity isn’t an a la carte menu of excuses to be applied after the event when someone behaves like an absolute turd.

Autistic people are not automatically incapable of comporting themselves with respect and decency.

The bar is so low on here for male behaviour and every time a man behaves like an arsehole we rush to apply one of these labels as a post hoc justification. Its honestly pathetic.

If he is neurodiverse or has social anxiety its on him to manage it appropriately. He doesn’t get to behave like a teenager and push the OP’s family away.

You can't have 'some autism', you either have it or you don't. My DH does. They are rude and act out when they are fearful and feeling anxious. My husband was always so rude when socialising, it was mortifying. Honestly, if he was still that way, I would have left. He started DBT privately and it has changed his life, and mine. He is far more self aware and when he thinks back to the way he used to behave he is also mortified. Now he has skills to help in situations that felt out of control to him before. Autism is thrown around far too much these days, its hard to live with and the underlying feeling is anxiety, which usually presents itself as a very rude and unreasonable person. If your DH is more good than bad, suggest DBT. Its not cheap, but if he applies himself it could save your marriage and his social life.

You married someone with social struggles. It seems unfair to accept it then but now have a big issue with it. If it was a problem you shouldn't have married him.

Why did you marry someone like this in the first place? It sounds like this is just who he is, whether its autism or not, you can't change him

I agree with you to a certain extent, but I also have lived experience of this and it is soul destroying. You start avoiding social situations, or you go but you are always pre empting 'bad' behaviour, and then when they start being rude you're trying to do damage control and excuse them. It's exhausting and unfair.

You have suddenly decided he is autistic based on what? No evidence whatsoever of this.
OP said it, see above.

You also are just seeing it just from OP's annoyed point of view. For all we know, DH does his best, his version of a joke was misinterpreted and OP constantly pressurises him but not helping/providing a carrot instead of stick. My DH and I (not officially ND) find being social exhausting. Fortunately, if one of us disappears and reads in a corner, noone blinks an eye. If I were pressured though, I would probably get a bit ratty about it too.

So, could this be more of a case of incompatibility between the couple?

OP said she thinks he might be autistic. No diagnosis is provided (as is usually the case on these threads).

Sorry, but people are bending over backwards to find excuses for this behaviour and it's ridiculous.

Some people find "being social" exhausting, sure. But no one has to go to a family gathering, take themselves away from the family party, ignore their hosts and get slaughtered on their own, refusing to join in. It's just breathtakingly rude. You don't have to move in with these people, you just have to be reasonably polite for a couple of hours.

I'm tired of neurodiversity (or usually just the suspicion of neurodiversity) or anxiety or "being an introvert" being used to wave this sort of thing away. These conditions, or just vague attachment of a cod diagnosis, aren't a reason to suspend normal rules of decent behaviour. It's insulting to people who have autism and are perfectly capable of handling themselves in awkward situations without drinking themselves to oblivion. And its the OP who's constantly stuck in the middle between her friends and family on the one hand and her selfish oaf of a husband on the other.

It's not an acceptable way to behave in a marriage, let's be honest about this.

Does he have ASD?

I guess it really depends on how much you love him over&against how much you derive pleasure/gain fulfilment from interaction with your wider circle of friends and family.
if you love him, despite what a social isolate he is, then you'll choose to stay with him and, thereby, limit your life to his horizons.

It is a choice, OP.
If, on the other hand, you are finding this harder and harder to withstand, then you will need to think differently about the future course of your marriage.
It might be time to find a good counsellor/psychotherapist to work with you? To lay out and examining your predispositions. To lay bare your inbuilt constraints re: choices. This might open up a window for you to really see your own wishes and dreams for your own future.

What’s he like with his friends and his family like his uncles, aunts, cousins?

If he can be sociable and conversational with them then it suggests what he’s doing with your famiky is deliberate and rude.

But if he’s anti-social with everyone except you and his parents then it suggests he does have social anxiety.

You just need to decide if you can live with it or not.

He sounds exactly like my FIL.
We're at a point now that we say hi when we go in the house and that's it, he sits at his computer or sits and stares into space.
Occasionally he will say something but it's usually quite wierd/stops the conversation dead/ offends someone. He never leaves the house now either.

It's happened over the years, mostly after he retired.
My MIL on the otherhand is warm, friendly, extroverted. I don't know how she puts up with him but I don't think she would leave after 50 years together.
She gets all her socialising with friends and family, goes on holiday with sisters and us.
Have you been together long? Do you enjoy his company when it is just the two of you?

I’m sorry but I have several neurodivergent conditions but as a fully grown adult I know how to mask for extended periods of time to function at things like this.Tell him to get some CBT or he can move out.

Just don’t have him attend anymore he doesn’t like it if it was the other way round would you want to go. You don’t need him to go with you I find it better for my anxiety when I attend things alone. I’m more relaxed and don’t have to wait for the sarcasm.

Well no, social anxiety can indeed render you speechless. It can also make you say and do stupid things.

My partner can be a bit like this but not all the time. One time we went out for a friends birthday for a meal, he spent over 2 hours on his phone watching the football, didn’t interact with anyone. He’s got worse since we had kids and now has an excuse for his rudeness as he’s ’focussing on the kids’. I get what you mean with the ick especially as I socialise well at his family get togethers. But I knew he was like this from early doors so I can’t really change it now.

He sounds autistic. My DH has AuDHD. He struggles socially but will mask all the way through so he appears to be making an effort. He’s really good at masking and highly entertaining. Unfortunately when we get home he’s crippled within an hour with a migraine and shuts down. This shut down can last for ages and he watches his favourite films to regulate. Getting worse as he gets older as he says no to doing so many things because he can’t handle it.

You don't need to say anything. Just stop telling him about the things you get invited to and go by yourself. If he asks why he didn't know about them, tell him it's because you don't want him out there until he acknowledges that his behaviour isn't okay in social settings. That is, of course, assuming you have asked him many times to reconside his behaviour and he hasn't made any changes.

I think your family sounds really accommodating - I don't know any family who wouldn't think it's weird that someone who's been a part of the family for so many years still struggles to interact with them. With all respect, your husband needs to put some work in and make an effort for the people who're making an effort for him. He sounds really passive, and like the world should adapt to him being awkward and unwilling to change.

But .... Is he a good husband in other ways?

Some people just hate small talk, get anxious over social situations and are just not the life and soul of the party.

Yes, you're annoyed and that's fine, maybe you have a right to be but perhaps stick with him when you're with your family, don't make him the centre of attention but don't leave him to his own devices either. Make it very clear before you go what is expected of him and perhaps see if you can find some proper professional help for him to overcome this awkwardness to an extent.

It's OK to be irked but think about his good qualities, he went, and he must have hated it, but he went because you wanted him to. ❤️

Next time just leave him at home!!

I agree. If he really finds these outings so unbearably stressful it would be kinder to everyone to leave him at home. Explain he has social anxiety and it's not personal and enjoy your family time.