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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Guests bring their own lunch

292 replies

thevoiceofreasoning · Yesterday 16:50

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

OP posts:
Loub1987 · Yesterday 19:50

I think (and it says a lot) this is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read in MumsNet. Who would go to someone’s house after surgery and firstly, not bring food but secondly eat lunch without them?! Sorry OP, hope you feel better soon.

Ethelspagetti · Yesterday 19:55

Wow that’s so rude of them! Unbelievable! I personally wouldn’t have them over again! You’d think they’d be more considerate as you’ve had surgery! They don’t seem to care about you very much, which is sad.

BobbysDazzler · Yesterday 19:55

I'm shocked! I wouldn't dream of behaviour like that!

I wouldn't even repeatedly turn up to a friends for them to cook all the time, I would offer to take us all out or get a takeaway in or something (assuming they were well) and in your case I'd have been feeding us all, washing up and leaving treats behind to make your next couple of days a bit easier!!

FormerlySpeckledyHen · Yesterday 19:56

I really hope these friends see this thread. Get well soon OP.

Ilovemyfam · Yesterday 19:57

I think their behavior is so odd that it is hilarious. I hope that they washed up. Oh wait - when they left did you find your toast-crumbed plate and buttery unwashed beside the sink ?

SparkyBlue · Yesterday 20:03

Arlanymor · Yesterday 16:56

Sounds like a lack of proper communication between you all to be honest. You said you couldn't make them lunch for them, they said they could bring lunch (you did say 'for them' in your post). Surgery totally messes up food schedules, so they could have assumed you were eating a specific diet and/or at specific times. They didn't ask - but neither did you clarify when you said you couldn't make lunch 'for them' whether or not the plan was to all eat together or not. They interpreted it in the way they did - doesn't make them mean - if it were me I would have brought more stuff for you, but to be honest I would have had the conversation with my mate. Not least because they might also want me to bring other stuff if they were a bit restricted to their home during recovery. But no one is the big bad wolf here - people just need to talk more effectively!

Edited

Even apart from the fact that the OP is recovering from surgery to turn up to visit someone who lives a couple of hours away without bringing something like a cake or biscuits would be unheard of in my own social circle/family. They were horribly inconsiderate and rude. Nothing to do with miscommunication

graphista2 · Yesterday 20:04

Wow! Please learn the power of no! And glad to hear you aren’t staying friends with people who aren’t really friends!

“no that doesn’t work for me I am still recovering and very much not up to visitors will see you when I am fully recovered” arseholes! If you ARE insisting on visiting someone sick/recovering you bring a dish for you all to eat and stay an hour max!!

stuns me how oblivious people are to others lives and needs!

MeridaBrave · Yesterday 20:06

So rude. Like unhinged rude.

i probably would have said, I’m on crutches I can’t make myself lunch, I didn’t ask DP/DH to leave me anything since I thought you were bringing lunch. Can you make me something?

thevoiceofreasoning · Yesterday 20:09

WithoutABlush · Yesterday 19:47

That makes it even odder, then —as does the fact that they drove for two hours to see you when you were convalescing, which suggests they actually care about you!

Yes that is a good point! All very odd. But they did come out of their way to visit … they wasn’t calling in on their way to somewhere else.

OP posts:
Treemouse · Yesterday 20:09

multiple guests did this to me post c- surgery when they invited themselves round- I just don’t think people are that considerate anymore or take the time to think about what would help someone post surgery. Not having to think about, plan or prepare a meal when you are recovering is a massive help - even for just one meal. I really hope they at least had the decency to clean up after themselves OP.

cornflakecrunchie · Yesterday 20:11

My God..
This is why I don't court 'friends' any more.
Been let down once too often!

Notavailabletryanotherone1 · Yesterday 20:13

Bless you, of course you made the assumption they would also provide lunch for you, anyone would have! Unbelievably rude not to have actually .

OVienna · Yesterday 20:16

Your friends are totally bonkers.

thevoiceofreasoning · Yesterday 20:18

Loub1987 · Yesterday 19:50

I think (and it says a lot) this is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read in MumsNet. Who would go to someone’s house after surgery and firstly, not bring food but secondly eat lunch without them?! Sorry OP, hope you feel better soon.

Thank you. I’m pleased you think it’s as bizarre as I do … I was sat thinking it over and I was beginning to wonder if I was overreacting … being unwell can take its toll! Especially as they sat there eating seemed totally oblivious as to how their behaviour could be interpreted as beyond selfish! I wouldn’t dream of visiting anyone in those circumstances without a full blown goodie lunch for all, flowers and a good book or a few magazines for them to read!

OP posts:
thevoiceofreasoning · Yesterday 20:20

Treemouse · Yesterday 20:09

multiple guests did this to me post c- surgery when they invited themselves round- I just don’t think people are that considerate anymore or take the time to think about what would help someone post surgery. Not having to think about, plan or prepare a meal when you are recovering is a massive help - even for just one meal. I really hope they at least had the decency to clean up after themselves OP.

Nope! They stacked the dishes by the sink but no offer to wash up!

OP posts:
Ethelspagetti · Yesterday 20:21

thevoiceofreasoning · Yesterday 20:20

Nope! They stacked the dishes by the sink but no offer to wash up!

I can’t believe they didn’t even wash up! That’s terrible 😢

Viperregency · Yesterday 20:22

thevoiceofreasoning · Yesterday 20:18

Thank you. I’m pleased you think it’s as bizarre as I do … I was sat thinking it over and I was beginning to wonder if I was overreacting … being unwell can take its toll! Especially as they sat there eating seemed totally oblivious as to how their behaviour could be interpreted as beyond selfish! I wouldn’t dream of visiting anyone in those circumstances without a full blown goodie lunch for all, flowers and a good book or a few magazines for them to read!

It’s so bizzare, if someone says I can’t cook you immediately say don’t worry we will bring lunch what would you fancy? You then bring too much food and something like a cake or box of chocolates for them.

Sitting there in someone’s home, eating the lunch you brought and not bringing anything for them, is outrageously bad mannered, as is not cleaning up after themselves.

did They even offer to make your toast for you?

thevoiceofreasoning · Yesterday 20:24

Ilovemyfam · Yesterday 19:57

I think their behavior is so odd that it is hilarious. I hope that they washed up. Oh wait - when they left did you find your toast-crumbed plate and buttery unwashed beside the sink ?

I have had a good laugh over it! My face when I realised she’d only put 3 plates out must have been a picture! 🤣 And yes you guessed right … all the dirty dishes were left by the sink! 😱

OP posts:
Millytante · Yesterday 20:24

godmum56 · Yesterday 19:28

" even if it’s pretty rudimentary in some of us" or in fact non existent

Well, naturally I was being polite 🤣

101Alsatians · Yesterday 20:25

Yes,was gonna ask re:toast!Did they actually watch as u wobbled over on crutches to make it?!!

MrsPerfect12 · Yesterday 20:26

I’d actually say to continue the relationship he needs to move into his own place so you can see him progressing to adulthood. He’ll never stand on his own two feet if he moves back to mummy.
The relationship won’t progress and you’re wasting your time otherwise. Good luck.

thevoiceofreasoning · Yesterday 20:26

Viperregency · Yesterday 20:22

It’s so bizzare, if someone says I can’t cook you immediately say don’t worry we will bring lunch what would you fancy? You then bring too much food and something like a cake or box of chocolates for them.

Sitting there in someone’s home, eating the lunch you brought and not bringing anything for them, is outrageously bad mannered, as is not cleaning up after themselves.

did They even offer to make your toast for you?

Nope they watched me struggle past them on my crutches to get to the toaster ..

OP posts:
rockingaroundthe · Yesterday 20:26

Hrtft

Omg! 😄😄😄 how cringe! Yanbu, theyve messed up

This is something my autistic family would've done though! I reckon they just took you literally, rather than being deliberate cheeky fuckers!

thevoiceofreasoning · Yesterday 20:29

101Alsatians · Yesterday 20:25

Yes,was gonna ask re:toast!Did they actually watch as u wobbled over on crutches to make it?!!

They watched me wobble …

OP posts:
AplineDaisies · Yesterday 20:30

OP , was there even the slightest flicker of embarrassment when they realised you were just going to ear toast?
Has your friend got form for this sort of behaviour?