Guests bring their own lunch

[thevoiceofreasoning]

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

This reminds me when I'd given birth to my eldest, friends from the church arranged to drop off meals for us for the week which was amazingly thoughtful. The lady that organised it knew my DM was over meeting her first DGC and staying overnight due to distance but she only made 2 meals for me and (nowEX) H. It wasn't something you could split 3 ways and she hadn't forgotten as she was messaging throughout the day asking had my DM arrived, was she delighted etc.

I don't think it's quite the same situation as the absolute CFs in the OP but I have always thought why on earth if you were trying to help make our lives easier would you not do an extra portion? We would now have to make a meal anyway for DM which then didn't save us cooking like the delivered meals were supposed to?

nope its rude. It would be up to the visitors to bring lunch for the OP and bloody ask what she fancied or if she was on any kind of prescribed diet. That's common good manners

I am embarrassed for them - this is beyond inconsiderate

Tbh I would have bought packed lunches for us.
You should have been more direct if you wanted them to serve you and your daughter lunch.

They were being rude and stingy. You usually provide them with a meal so they should of expected to do the same for you. Next time they visit I wouldn't even provide them with a drink. See how they like it.

Bizarre, but I can actually imagine one or two people I know doing that. But they are ND

Absolutely. I’m quite disturbed by the many recent posts and comments demanding absolution for heedless behaviour, blaming it on the quality of instructions received. That might work with among robots, but we are blessed with emotional intelligence, even if it’s pretty rudimentary in some of us.
We can and should anticipate the needs/comfort of others, wherever we have the means to do so.
So an immobilised friend, unable to offer us lunch by virtue of her unfortunate reliance on crutches, and miserable from recent surgery, should be an easy case to practise on. We’d buy her something appealing for a shared lunch, and put a few ready meals in the freezer, I’d hope.

Your friends are thick.

Well my whole point is that they are complete knobbers in my opinion! I just wanted to see if the majority of people agreed with me. Clearly you and a few others are in the minority and see me as some sort of passive limp lettuce for allowing it to happen! I think I am a decent person, but I think very few people should see me as passive or a push over. I just wanted the visit to be cordial as possible and get them out of my house. I’m emotionally drained, tired and not in a good place physically and the last thing I wanted was to create a whole level of upset by calling them out there and then. Sometimes avoiding confrontation isn’t about being weak or passive it’s about preserving your sanity and knowing what battles to fight. I made the call that these people were not my friends, nor did I wish to continue the friendship so what was the point of making an unnecessary scene when I am struggling to to get by right now?

Weird, clueless and selfish.
Do you usually prepare lunch for them?

" even if it’s pretty rudimentary in some of us" or in fact non existent

How did you word it, the only thing ca think of is the wording used during the planning gave them the impression that they need to bring their own lunch specifically for them. ‘. Can you bring ‘your’ own lunch.’ Might have been interpreted as bring something for you only, I have my own special food I am eating due to illness etc here. Otherwise it’s bonkers.

Let me point out that I specifically excluded you from the wet lettuce category earlier, OP. Surgery takes it out of you psychologically as well as physically. General anaesthetics (and I had three within the space of a few months the year before last) make me weirdly weepy for days, quite apart from whatever physical recovery is going on.

What are these people like usually, OP?

You would visit someone who has been ill, with limited mobility, and not offer to make them something? I’d be pushing them to drink tea, eat, give me chores… I’m shocked.

They sound like users

On the face of it that is absolutely appalling and like many PP not only would I have brought you lunch I'd have stocked you up with treats and freezer food.

Just wondering if there is any chance they thought that you're not eating much due to illness or meds or think you're on a special diet? Literally that is the only excuse I can think of for a non-cunty person. (Although even if that was the case I'd have offered you food!!)

Exactly. Don’t cause a scene, put others first, prioritise men’s wellbeing and feelings, feel a bit crap about yourself so you never get above yourself, be polite to your elders, don’t speak until you’re spoken to and so on and on and on.

The 5 percent who said yabu are as batshit crazy as these people.

Oh god this thread is giving me flashbacks to coming home after giving birth. I had spent a week in hospital and my in laws insisted on turning up about an hour after we got home. They brought sandwiches for themselves, but not us...

Sure, but out of the three visitors, one was an adult woman, and one was a ten-year-old girl! Did they not get the memo about putting others first, don’t cause a scene etc? It sounds as if what ‘should’ have happened is that the visiting female friend realises in horror as she’s plating up that she should have brought lunch for the OP, gives her portion to the OP and sits there nibbling a lettuce leaf and claiming she isn’t hungry, or had felt a bit carsick etc.

Funny how as humans we are all different. I'd never dream on doing that. In fact i'd go further than that and prepare a nice lunch for everyone. Selfish in my opinion.

Oh thank you … sorry I missed that comment!
Well the wife is normally quite a sensitive woman and slightly overstrung if anything. This is why I was really shocked at the behaviour! I wouldn’t dream of taking a picnic to anyone’s house and not including them … even if they hadn’t just had surgery! It’s just so alien to me … but I honestly don’t think they realised they had done anything wrong. I’m just going to distance myself and certainly they will not be invited to my house again!

Ha ha, I actually know people like this (in fact, if you hadn't said they have a 10 year old I would have thought they were the same family). The thing is, you think you are a bolshy stand-up for yourself kind of a gal, but when it happens, you are so gobsmacked you are kind of waiting for the penny to drop for them - and it just doesn't. Solidarity!

It was a general conditioning for women. That doesn’t mean everyone experienced it. Some women were brought up to be selfish nobbers like the OP’s ex friend.

I have a mixture of friends: some are like me and have a life long battle to overcome their conditioning; some were brought up as princesses and don’t struggle to prioritise themselves at all and can be quite selfish and some are assertive but also generous and kind. But I would say more British middle aged women have experienced my kind of conditioning than happens in many other countries.

That makes it even odder, then —as does the fact that they drove for two hours to see you when you were convalescing, which suggests they actually care about you!