Guests bring their own lunch

[thevoiceofreasoning]

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

I actually think you should message them OP and point out how rude it was. They need to realise how awful they've been. Say how surprised you were that they came over to see you post surgery and only brought food for themselves, and proceeded to eat it in front of you. And that that's not how any reasonable person who cared about you at all would approach things and in fact it's made you realise you don't want to continue the friendship.

Well exactly. At the very least, they should have made some lunch for you too, especially as they were eating in your house over lunch. Let alone because you’ve just had surgery and said you weren’t up to making lunch for them. Pretty bloody obvious. Totally nuts. I’m also recovering from foot surgery, fairly immobile and would hate visitors right now. Let alone those that haven’t done anything to help. I can only imagine people like this can’t have had surgery before.

My upbringing, at school as at home, was ‘unisex’ in its emphasis on manners and reasonable self-denial. (I mean in terms of grabbing or offering the last piece of cake, rather than in a survival crisis)
This was England, 1960s/early 70s, and my family wasn’t unusual or strangely enlightened. We were all brought up to have an awareness of others, even if this was a tough lesson to ingest for many kids. But putting yourself (boy or girl) first in a grabby, selfish way was frowned on by everyone I can think of.

Naturally Im well aware of the conditioning of girls, and that it even persists today. I’d be a bloody fool to ignore it all.
I just mean to say that a general leaning to self-denial in many a situation is not necessarily indicative of culturally learned subjugation, or even weedy self-possession. Sometimes it costs us nothing to let the other have half our sarnie. Nor is such an instinct confined to girls and women. It’s found in any decent bloke.

Did they bring anything at all? Flowers, chocolates, nice biscuits? Offer to make cups of tea?

need that laugh emoji

My brain is struggling to process how two functioning adults could think that was in anyway normal or acceptable behaviour. Even if I thought a host was sorting their own lunch out I'd have bought enough for four just to be on the safe side. If the host didn't want it for lunch I'd have left it in the fridge for them to have later.

Please tell me these deranged cheeky fuckers cleaned up after themselves?

God how embarrassing for them! I hope this is one of them moments that pops into their head every few years when they're in bed or on the bus and makes them beet red and nauseous from the embarrassment.

I can't believe they used your plates to serve themselves up. Like if they'd brought a sandwich in a carrier bag and ate it from the pack where you were sat it wouldn't feel as bad. But to plan a full, sit down lunch at someone else's houses and not even think to bring enough for the person who you're visiting is fucking arrogant.

I'm now even more pissed off for you!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I referred to the dishes as a joke. I really did not expect them to have gone without washing up.

I have a collection of “bizarre memories that I cannot forget” that I draw on on occasions such as when I have missed the bus in winter and it is raining/ when I am at the dentist having a filling. Can I add this please?

That’s really terrible. Wishing you a speedy recovery OP. Treat yourself to a takeaway!

Sorry should have read all your responses, I see the cheeky bastards left the washing up. That really is next level selfishness.

If the wife contacts you to meet up I would just send her a link to this thread and block her.

That is very true! Sorry you had to go through that, hope life is better now.

Madness! My friend recently had a cancer op and while more mobile than you sound I brought lunch to cook for her about three times (and another friend dropped off some dinner for her to heat up). Plus she had an adult son to help (not that he seemed to be)! The idea that they would bring stuff for themselves and not for you is just unbelievable.
Come on @CatInTheRhombus and @Arlanymor - even if she had food for herself you visit an ill friend you say ‘don’t worry I’ll bring food for us all’!

You just make do in any way you can. Online shop with easy bits and pieces, lots of toast,
others coming and helping, quick meals which you can do easily when you can’t stand for long.

Huh?

I get how it might be generally done.

However, this thread is about the OP so I was asking how she did it.

I guess I’m going through similar right now, so thought id show that it is possible but it’s hard work and defo not something to do for other guests. It’s not general information.

I think this must be the rudest and oddest behaviour I've ever read about on MN. They are chart topping cheeky fuckers. Please message them and tell them so.
Get well soon xxx.

You know how sometimes you read threads on Mumsnet and think 'crumbs I hope the person it's about doesn't read this!'? Well this isn't one of those - I hope the "friends" of @thevoiceofreasoning do read this and realise quite how disgustingly self-centred and frankly batshit their behaviour was!

Hope your recovery is swift op

Epicly rude. They deserve a Mumsnet Golden Raspberry or something for Outstanding Thoughtlessness.

Cheeky fuckers they aren't friends. Even worse they brought a child when they knew your circumstances and left their mess for you to clean up after them. Don't invite them again make an excuse if they invite themselves again.

OP, I can hardly believe their cheek!

If I was you I'd have to call them out on it. Something along these lines:

"Dear Margaret, I appreciate you making the effort to travel to visit me on Saturday. It was good to catch up.

I told you beforehand that I was not able to cater for you and I assumed that you might have understood how much I would have enjoyed someone bringing lunch for me. I was surprised that you brought food only for yourselves, and then ate it, without sharing, when all I could manage to make was a piece of toast.

During your visit you would have observed how incapacitated I am at the moment. You did nothing to assist me, and then left me to clear up your dishes. As a consequence your visit left me feeling more depleted than before you came.

I understand that it can be awkward in someone else's house, not wanting to overstep and clear up - but you could have asked. You could have asked if I'd like to share some of your delicious looking food. You could have asked if I'd like some help to make my toast. You could have asked if you could make things easier by washing up and putting away the dishes.

I send this because you may wish, in other situations, to be more reflective about how you support a friend in a challenging situation."

Wow! They sound very odd. How likely is it that you hear from them with a “lovely to see you” type text? What will you say in reply?

Arlanymor is correct

this is what the guests should have asked ; “We're bringing our own food because we know you're not up to cooking. Is there anything you'd like us to bring you?”

Nah!
Communication is more than the words you say. Communication is about observing that you have delicious sandwiches and a wonderful variety of salads, and your friend is struggling to make a piece of toast. Communication is about reading body language, sensing that someone is a bit disappointed.