Guests bring their own lunch

[thevoiceofreasoning]

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

Send them a message thanking them for their visit and saying you really appreciated clearing up after them and washing their plates when they didn't bother to bring you any lunch.

But I'm petty.

User name checks out 😂

It makes sense to me. It's checking out how much further their rudeness extended.

You didn’t invite them in the first place! When I had leg surgery, not even mobile (immediately got a clot, hope they gave you blood thinners!) I absolutely wasn’t up for visitors. I managed about 20 minutes of a colleague coming round.

They shouldn’t have come round, that was idiotic, but coming round would have meant bringing food/treats/flowers/a magazine like my colleague brought. She literally had a coffee then left again.

Wishing you a smooth recovery Op
What absolutely bonkers behaviour from them - makes absolutely no sense whatever way you cut it!

I’m not British, though I lived in England for 20 years. I don’t recognise the fiesta of wet lettuce-ishness that is Mn in my English and Scottish female friends. Not blaming the OP here, as she’s convalescing from surgery which can make you feel like a limp rag, but as a general trend on here. If I were to judge by Mn, I would find it incredible you had an empire!

I think it is different in that they were at least physically capable of making food for themselves though.

Why didn’t you say that it was very rude of them to come over implying they’d bring lunch to you to help you post surgery and then only
feed themselves? People this idiotic sometimes need to have it spelt out to them when they’ve done something so thoughtless.

I can see that a selfish visitor could interpret your statement that you weren't up to preparing a meal for them at lunch as meaning you were capable of doing your own, but really it was incredibly rude to bring a picnic to eat at your table and not include you. Who on earth does that when visiting someone recovering from illness.

If you had been braver, I think you should have told them that as you had explained to them , you were not yet recovered enough to prepare a proper lunch and that you would need to wait until a family member called round with something for you.
All the toast did was made them think you hadn't got much of an appetite. They have managed to impose themselves on you, knowing you were not really up for a visit, and not even realise they have offended you by excluding you from their picnic in your own house, using your plates etc.

If it had been me visiting , I would have asked if a) you needed any shopping doing on the way, and b) whether you wanted to join in the picnic lunch, before I started getting the stuff out of the cool bag , and if you said yes, stretched it to serve an extra person.

I think I would have waited until they left before eating in the hope they got they got the message. Did they not even bring a packet of biscuits or a cake to share,?

While I see what you are saying, the empire wasn’t exactly disseminated by women (bar a Queen or two from their ivory towers).

Its more to do with being a woman. Sadly I (in my 50's) was brought up to not make a fuss, dont stand out, what will the neighbours say, put up with any old crap rather than speak out.

That stuff sticks when it has been hammered in to you as "manners" since you old enough to hear and not old enough to speak.

I am, by anyone’s measure, no shrinking violet. I have no problems in calling out shit behaviour and I honestly don’t give two fucks what anyone might think of me. All that said, in ops situation, I think I might have been struck dumb! It is so far away from bloody normal, op is recovering from surgery, not at all at full throttle, faced with bloody weirdos. I can imagine being speechless.

Please don't ever have them over at your house again. How awful.

I am the Mark I "Gobby Middle Aged Woman", and still get the odd "Did that just actually happen?" moment that like you say, strikes you dumb!

I think that replying on a thread saying "I would have....you should have..." etc is so easy, but in the moment, you are so shocked your brain kind of 404's on you!

Sorry they left their dirty plates for the convalescing post surgery host to wash up? Were they born in a barn!?

Well, I’m from an even more indirect culture, am also in my 50s and was brought up by a mother whose twin mantras were ‘No one likes a confident girl’ and ‘Your own needs are always last.’

Yep, and there’s always a few weirdos on here who defend them too.

Nope! They stacked the plates by the sink but didn’t offer to wash up!

We’re also conditioned in childhood to respect others wishes and not be an inconvenience ie to be thoughtful, and if the instructions were taken literally I can see how it happened. What I’m not excusing is the “guest” not understanding how they’d fucked up and making amends. That bit is gobsmackingly rude.

Aw thank you! I have some amazing friends who really helped me out when I was in hospital and are very supportive. I’ve already had a good laugh over it but my amusement is still tinged with shock!

But one of the two visitors was also a woman! Did she not get the memo about not being an inconvenience, prioritising others etc?

That is beyond mean!!!! They aren’t friends OP and I’d bet, if you were fit and well they’d have sat on their arses while you supplied and prepared lunch without so much as a helping hand! Freeloading fuckers!

Awful people, hope you recover soon OP.

Did their DD not say anything? I have a 10 year old goddaughter and I can’t imagine her tucking into lunch and looking at me with nothing!

But to be fair she hasn’t been brought up like that … prob normal for this poor kid.

Exactly