Guests bring their own lunch

[thevoiceofreasoning]

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

I think they initially made a social faux pass to not bring lunch for everyone but once they realised you didn't have anything they ought to have stretched it 4 ways. Too not do so was rude and inconsiderate. I hope they didn't leave you with the washing up.

We met a few times a year … if at my house I always make them a meal. I don’t go to their house as it’s a trek on the train and i don’t want to drive as they live in city centre with limited parking/nightmare traffic. Me and the wife meet at other locations for shopping/cafe pitstop when we have chance.

This happened to me after 4 months in hospital completely non weight bearing with a severely fractured leg. People who I'd taken food packages to in lockdowns...happily told me they were passing my house to wander IKEA or similar...no offer to get shopping as I had for them...I was on 2 crutches and really weak and exhausted. No offers of support at all. Other friends were wonderful ..helped me to fracture clinic...quite the eye opener about who people are and their character OP.

Yes they should have, and I think most people would have, and brought extra for the OP to enjoy when the visitors had gone home, but over the years I have learned that not everyone thinks in the same way.

I am sorry it happened @thevoiceofreasoning but unfortunately it is something you have to file under WTF and try to laugh about in the future. At least now you know that these friends need to have expectations spelled out to them in words of one syllable down to the finest details.

I hope you feel better soon, and that you have more empathetic friends who will bring you cake.🍰

Yep I don’t think I’ll be seeing them again!

Yes they did! 🤣

I don't know what's worse them inviting themselves round when you said you wasn't ready for visitors or them not sharing their food with you. People seriously need to learn the word no

Rubbish

Oh shit I’ve done this, not exactly the same - I was visiting a family who were having a very rough time and due to trains I’d be there over lunchtime, I said I’d bring a packed lunch to save them feeding me and I literally did that - brought a packed lunch for myself. It never occurred to me that maybe they were expecting me to bring enough for everyone but maybe they did. Sometimes we can do things with the best of intentions to ease things for our host and then get it spectacularly wrong 🤦‍♀️. If they aren’t selfish arseholes usually then maybe let them off!

Thats shocking and I hope they see this post and recognise themselves.

That’s so shockingly rude, who does that, and to not clean up after. To sit there scoffing and watching you with your toast. How unbelievably rude can people be,

That is appalling!
And ignore the muppets blaming you for poor communication.
In your circumstances not only would we have brought lunch for you as well. We would have brought some easy meals to put in the fridge and in the freezer to save you the struggle of shopping and preparation.
Sorry to say but this is not a friend.

That is even fucking worse! They are piss taking CFers. The sort who would visit after you had a baby and expect you to be making them drinks and food.

I would be letting this "friendship" drift, I wouldn't even meet away from your house tbh.

No cultural differences whatsoever.

Never let them invite themselves again!

Yes I don’t think I will see them again! No great loss to me tbh

Unbelievable! I’m afraid you have rubbish friends.

But that’s completely pointless. No point in seething in silent resentment at the time and then getting all brave and aggressive days later when it’s too late for the other person to resolve the situation.

The time to say it was at the time when the friend said ‘Aren’t you going to make yourself something and eat with us?’ To which the obvious reply is ‘Well, no, because I’m completely immobile, so I can’t. I understood you were bringing lunch.’

I would disagree......clearly their "culture" is being a selfish cunt!

Rubbish left in bin and they didn’t even offer to wash up their plates!

In this case I don’t think even a preference for unambiguous, black and white instructions is the point. It’s not about processing information but more about a predisposition to thoughtful behaviour, to kindness.

They knew OP was severely hampered in terms of seeing to her own needs. Wouldn’t anyone counting themselves as old friends make a point of bringing her a few easy to handle treats, and MWable meals in particular?
These visitors didn’t think beyond their own needs on this visit, never mind ponder what would be of great help to OP.

Generosity of spirit is something one can learn, if it isn’t inbuilt during childhood.

Thank you

I've had this happen to me and I was just as gobsmacked. I didn't bother seeing them again - they also left me to clear up the mess their children made when I could barely move or bend.
Some people are breathtakingly selfish.

I do hope you have a speedy recovery, OP.

Still, you don’t bring a whole bunch of food and not think of the person you’re visiting. Especially if they made it clear they’re not up for hosting. In this situation I’d always assume they’re unable to get groceries and ask if they need something brought in, let alone ensure I have enough for lunch for them too!

But the problem is that in the moment you dont think to say that. We are conditioned (as women, and if you grow up in the UK) to "not make a fuss". Its like that moment of knowing you should have said to arsehole in the supermarket but 10 minutes too late!

I agree that calling them out on it is something that the OP should do.

It probably wont change them, but you never know, it might. I doubt that these CF bulldozers have only done this to the OP.