Guests bring their own lunch

[thevoiceofreasoning]

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

I wish you had, just to see what their reaction would've been.
Surely only a complete knobber is going to say "oi thats my sandwich" to someone recently recovering from surgery.

Never cater for them again, anything ever. If they want tea/coffee/squash/fruit juice they can bring it themselves. To make a point make yourself a hot or cold drink and put some biscuits for yourself on a plate and sit down to talk to them! Never offer them even a glass of tap water. They are total users and only see you as their servant and not a friend.

I’m autistic and would take this instruction literally like the OP’s friends. Why don’t people say what they mean? That said, I would have realised my faux pas and quick got out a plate for the OP and shared the food.

Please tell me they at least made you a cup of tea after seeing you hobbling around on crutches.

Even if you hadn't said you weren't able to make meals you would think that they would have offered to bring lunch regardless given you had had surgery.

But your autism wouldn't prevent you from seeing the OP didn't have any lunch and offering her some, would it?

ETA: I see you've now edited to include that.

I’m not sure I’d just bring food for them unless they were good friends and I knew what they’d like! At the time of the conversation (or probably afterwards), I’d be saying I’m thinking about bringing x, y and z. Is that ok? Do you like that? I’d feel uncomfortable turning up with extra food in case they didn’t like it, couldn’t tolerate it due to their surgery etc. so I’d be asking first what they liked!

I wouldn’t just turn up bringing food for us, but for the person visiting. That’s only polite especially if that person is on crutches. I know how awful it is on crutches!

However, I can kind of see why they might have thought that though with your wording of “not up for making a meal for them”. However they should have been really embarrassed when they realised you didn’t have anything yourself! They should have offered you something they’d brought, asked if you had anything in for them to make a sandwich for you, nipped down the shop to get you something or just packed up their stuff again and said “we will have this later, I’ll order a takeout or something”.

People make a lot of claims on MN about what they would say/do - easy when you're hiding behind a keyboard, but I HONESTLY would have to say something. Just a quick text

Was lovely to see you the other day, but I have to tell you that I am still reeling from the absolute disbelief that you brought lunch for everyone except me! I was too shocked to say anything at the time but am mentioning now as I think you should know that it was really poor on your part and I was really upset.

Honestly, when people are rude twats, they need to be called out. They really do.

@SandwichSuperstar I think we cross posted with my edit. You’re absolutely right.

Thank you

@thevoiceofreasoning Still, I cannot imagine sitting there and not saying anything. If these are close enough friends to have round when you are recovering from surgery they are close enough to say ' wtf you didn't bring anything for me?. It's just like the posts saying they stayed with the MIl and she served up 1 chicken breast and 2 potatoes between 8. So they sat in the bedroom crying all night because I was starving. I just can't imagine sitting back and letting these things 'happen'

That is appalling. I would have brought you so much food you would have been immobilised through over eating, never mind your op!

Some people are so fucking thick skinned. Inviting themselves over without thought as to your health or whether you even want them there at all, and then not bringing lunch for you......these are not friends. They're just not. They are fair weather friends.

Just a hunch......do they often visit during school hols when they have a bored kid? How often do you meet up otherwise and where/when?

There's no such thing as common sense or kindness left in the world OP. These are self absorbed people who were visiting because it was routine and what they wanted to do. They don't really give a shit about you at all.

So next time they want to visit, tell them no.

Please OP do tell if they cleaned and tidied their plates and cutlery etc up or did they leave it all for you to sort out?

I can’t believe people like this exist!

Can't believe some people are inventing excuses for them 🤣

The world has nuance, social norms, courtesy and reciprocity. But, I see your point. Frustrating and awkward, I imagine 💐
Best practice would be to always err of the side of caution and bring a meal for friend or ask what you can bring them for lunch. 💛

I am not inviting them again for sure!

My BIL was like that though. I was on crutches and he dropped in for a cuppa. He stood there waiting for me to carry his cuppa to where he wanted to sit. Finally he picked up his cuppa and sat down I was left standing! No more did that happen: I never made him a drink again and this was 30 years ago.

Rude AF! Imagine treating anyone like that,let alone a friend in recovery.

I could understand if they got something out for a hungry/fussy toddler only but that's literally it (and clearly not ze case as the DD is 10).

My kids aged 10 and 14 would have known how rude that was and would be mortified.

They should have rung to ask if you needed anything else buying if you are laid up, on top of getting you lunch too.

It does seem very odd as it wouldn’t have taken much to bring enough for 4 and at least offer it to you, whether you were up to it after surgery or not. If they are normally considerate friends I’d give the benefit of the doubt and assume a misunderstanding but I agree with you and my initial feeling would be thinking it was very rude.

So they made work for you-as in you'd have to clean the plates etc-but offered nothing? Seems odd.

Lol, your friends are shocking!! It is quite funny though.

That's incredibly rude of them.

I’m so sorry to read this OP 😔
I can’t imagining visiting a friend who was recovering from surgery and not bringing food for them. Even if you weren’t up to eating with them, I’d have made sure you had some food plated up to eat at your leisure after I left.

It did remind me of a time where I felt a similar sting. I had 9 month old twins, ex husband had left me and my life was in tatters. My brother and his partner were expecting their second child so I offered to have my 2YO niece for the night so they could have some alone time. My life was chaos so another child wasn’t really an issue!

I was running on fumes and not sleeping or eating well. When my brother and his partner turned up to drop their daughter off they both sat down in my kitchen and started opening up meal deals they’d picked up from the supermarket! I barely had time to brush my hair in those days let alone make and eat a sandwich and I couldn’t believe it.

It was so out of character for them both as they are both kind, considerate people… but I think if you are viewed as the “strong and capable one” people can’t comprehend that you’d be anything else, even if your life is upside down!