AIBU to ban a guest over dismissing a severe nut allergy?

[bagpuss90]

My sons DP has a severe nut allergy ., she obviously carries an epi pen. I’m hosting a get together tomorrow with friends and family invited . I’m doing most of the cooking but people are bringing drinks. A cpl of people have offered to cook and bring dishes. I’ve said no it’s fine as then I’ll be sure there are no nuts in anything . I put a msg out in the group chat to remind people to please not bring anything with nuts in just in case . I got a pm this morning from my friends DP saying my sons DP needs to get over it and she would probably have the same reaction if someone threw a spider at her or she walked past a graveyard. It’s a life threatening allergy not a bloody panic attack that she has ffs . I’d love to tell the ignorant prick he’s no longer welcome- but I don’t want to over react . But he’s ignorance and sheer stupidity have really irritated me. It would be so awkward though if I did tell him not to come . Thoughts please ..

You can ask him to take responsibility. Responding and tell him that his statement must stem from ignorance so can he please educate himself about nut allergy and how allergies are different to phobia or preference. And let him know that he doesn’t need to come to the party if he finds it offensive to be around someone with a nut allergy and others who take it seriously. You don’t have to and he will chose not to attend or hopefully apologise.

Message him that you regret that you cannot have him over on this occasion because of his lack of understanding of a serious, even potentially life-threatening condition, and you have to put the other guest's safety as paramount. You can soften the blow by suggesting meeting them as a couple separately another day.
Also tell your friend why and ask her to come on her own.

Your responsibility is to your family, not your adult friend.

This person should be uninvited as they do not respect your family's health and wellbeing.

Explain to your friend why, and let her make her own choices as an adult.

My daughter has allergies and she doesn't eat where there are people that don't take allergies seriously. Luckily my daughters allergies aren't severe but we do need to ensure that all of her food has been prepared in the absence of her allergens - clean knives and chopping boards etc. She has some unusual allergies including nightshades so when she's at parties (she's 6) I need to be able to trust that they have not chopped the cucumber after the peppers and carrots for the dips for example.

Uninvite him and let your friend know why.

I've had 3 anaphylatic reactions myself, the first one came out of the blue at a restaurant I had eaten at before eating my favourite foods. All 3 were in 6 months when I was 21. It took a long time to trust food and eating especially prepared by others. My auntie developed a nut allergy in her early 20s she runs a restaurant and her hands have swollen up before when she was given a bread basket with nut containing bread in to take to the table. It was her husband that made the mistake in not warning her, mistakes can happen so easily even by those that know and care - never mind someone that is dismissive of allergies.

Tell her the conversation and your concern is that obviously as he doesn't believe in the seriousness of nut allergies that you can't trust him around someone with such a serious nut allergy.

Surely your friend if she's lovely will understand and see your view.

I would message friend emphasising the allergy is severe and her DP isn’t welcome if he’s not prepared to take it seriously.

Fuck me. Uninvited and tell friend and group why. Show your son his partner comes first

I would uninvite him. People that ignorant about allergies are dangerous and you never know if he’s going to do something stupid like bringing peanuts just to try to prove it’s not an issue.

In my childhood I had penecillin quite a few times, it was the treatment of choice for childish infections. Aged 15 I was given it for tonsillitis and swelled up all over, fortunately nor badly enough to need emergency treatment. I was told never to take penecillin again as the next time it could be life threatening. It can happen with hay fever too. My dentist told me once that he had never had so much as a sniffle until he went to the Isle of Wight to see the wild lupins. Apparently it was a thing and you walked through fields of them. He entered the walk without hayfever and was coughing and wheezing with swollen eyes by the time it got to the exit from the field. Since then he has had hayfever and said he wished he had never been!

For this reason alone I would uninvite him OP. But I’d take the opportunity to tell him what I think of him for his shitty and dismissive attitude to someone else’s’ life threatening condition. Not over reacting at all.

I'd uninvite him and leave it up to your friend to sort out what she's doing. OK she might be upset but you cannot risk him bringing nuts which would be far far worse than an upset friend.

Best of luck.

nuh. its not just his comment but his attitude. I wouldn't want to be around a dickhead.

Your friend will be mortified that her H is such a twat. She’ll either be glad to leave him at home and enjoy the party without him, or if she tries to defend his shitty comments as a joke and insist that he doesn’t really believe what he wrote, it will give her the wake up call she needs, when she realises neither of them are coming if she wants to bring him.

His throwing spiders comment makes me think he’s probably just as much of a cunt to her on the regular.

I-d want to strangle him! Uninvite pronto

Tbh, 'awkward' pales into insignificance compared to potential death. So I'd just explain that to her. If she's lovely she will understand.

Well, it would be more awkward if he brings his gotcha (some probably hidden nuts to “prove” she isn’t really allergic), and she has a serious allergic reaction, don’t you think?

I would simply go back and say thanks for your ignorant message and you are no longer invited and don’t turn up. If that means your friend doesn’t turn up fine

i would then send a stinging message to your friend advising her that her partner is out of order, it’s life threatening and he is no longer welcome in your b9me at any point

The person who made it awkward for her is him. Maybe she’ll reflect on the fact that her partner is such a rude idiot that her friends don’t want him around them.

I'm trying (and failing) to understand his logic.

Throwing a spider at an arachnophobe = unpleasant, scary, traumatic even for them. But they wont die.

Giving an allergy sufferer nuts or even wafting them around them in some cases = a serious risk to their life that may easily prove fatal.

How in the name of all that's holy does he think they are comparable?!

I would uninvite myself, ridiculing life threatening allergies is plain ignorant. You are not asking people to cook so they have no reason to complain.

I do think the announcement on planes once you are seated with food you have bought for the journey is wrong, airlines should be informed 72 hours out of allergies so they can send a standard email to passengers stating it’s a no nuts flight 48 hours ahead of departure, I’ll happily comply then, whereas if I gave a chicken satay wrap in my bag for my lunch I will eat it (it won’t be airborne of course, I wouldn’t open peanuts)

I would be bloody worried about my friend and her judgement in people.

This.
Pretty fucking awkward if you had to call an ambulance thanks to Dave and his ‘beliefs’

This. Definitely uninvite this twat. He sounds absolutely the type to bring or add nuts to ‘prove’ his position. But also, he’s just so rude. If your friend (his DP) is lovely then forget being awkward and tell her you cannot stomach him but she is welcome to come without him.

That’s not your problem. But to need to protect your son’s partner in your home so you cannot invite a man who is absolutely going to bring nuts to make his point. You have to uninvite him.

I think I’d have to do it in a really super concerned way rather than anything angry. So like…

Dave, I’m really worried about your message here. This is a life threatening allergy to nuts - her throat closes up and she stops breathing. Nuts in her food or near her could very easily kill her. She carries an EPI pen but there’s no guarantee it would work. I’m concerned enough about you feeling you had to message to really worry that you might not be as careful as you need to be about food. I’m so sorry but I think it’s better you don’t come on this occasion. This is a literal life and death situation and it’s too concerning that you don’t seem to understand that. Sorry - we’ll hopefully see you guys again separately soon.

And see what comes back!!

(Sent just to Dave and your friend/his partner - not in any group)