AIBU to ban a guest over dismissing a severe nut allergy?

[bagpuss90]

My sons DP has a severe nut allergy ., she obviously carries an epi pen. I’m hosting a get together tomorrow with friends and family invited . I’m doing most of the cooking but people are bringing drinks. A cpl of people have offered to cook and bring dishes. I’ve said no it’s fine as then I’ll be sure there are no nuts in anything . I put a msg out in the group chat to remind people to please not bring anything with nuts in just in case . I got a pm this morning from my friends DP saying my sons DP needs to get over it and she would probably have the same reaction if someone threw a spider at her or she walked past a graveyard. It’s a life threatening allergy not a bloody panic attack that she has ffs . I’d love to tell the ignorant prick he’s no longer welcome- but I don’t want to over react . But he’s ignorance and sheer stupidity have really irritated me. It would be so awkward though if I did tell him not to come . Thoughts please ..

Has she seen his messages?

I would not be hosting someone who was so rude and dismissive of a family member.

I’d be calling my friend to explain, if she is lovely she will understand

That's a her problem though, isn't it - you are not responsible for her choice of partner, she is.

Disinvite with @Matildathecat 's words : "thanks for your thoughts on the subject. Best you don’t come tomorrow"

If your friend kicks off, well, she really doesn't have a leg to stand on does she.

"Allergies are just people being fussy, you never heard of them until recently"-sadly I've heard this too often. There are people who lie about having allergies because they just don't like certain food, so some people, like this guy, seem to think that means everyone is lying. You see his lazy belief that if something doesn't affect him, it's not real/doesn't matter: "If people are overweight, it's their fault. Don't believe they eat next to nothing."/"Don't care if they ban dogs from public places and that means disabled people can't go, it's not my problem".
Some people are just very selfish-there are literally hundreds of examples like this.
And while a panic attack is not the same as an allergy, it would also be very wrong to throw spiders at people-is this kind of thing what he's into?

Not your job to educate him, but maybe point out people can develop allergies at any age. Sometimes, when selfish people realise it could affect them, they change their tune.

He sounds like a complete twat. Does he thinks it’s a just phase she’s going through 🙄

I am usually a people pleaser and can struggle to tell people no or be assertive in social situations so I would find this awkward.

I am however aware of how dangerous nuts are and that somebody's life and wellbeing is far more important than causing an awkward situation.
I'd feel for my friend but if she can't understand how dangerous her DPs attitude is, she's going to find out that people won't like him or want him around.

Uninvite him, imagine how horrified you'd be if the guest ends up exposed to nuts and ends up having a reaction. You've considered he might expose her just to see what happens or to prove he's right for example, you've identified a risk now eliminate it.

This rude person would no longer be welcome in my home. But allergies are deadly and nothing to joke about. Having an issue with someone else’s hardship like this is bizarre.

I’m someone who’s “sceptical” about the severity of nut allergies (don’t attack me yet, I’ll explain) but I’d 100% uninvite him as he sounds like a twat who would either bring nuts to be funny or who would absolutely bring it up in a combative way and make it awkward for everyone.

Nut allergies are real, I’m not an allergy denier. I just am a bit sceptical about adults who until yesterday ate everything without a moments thought, and today they have a severe nut allergy to the point where they can’t be in the same house as a protein bar. We recently had signs installed in our open plan office that ban anything with nuts in it “in case of severe allergies”. It’s mostly me and my team in this office and none of us has an allergy. We sit at our own desks that we wipe down before and after. And we’re adults. It’s not like we’ll be smearing peanut butter everywhere. So now basically 99% of snacks are forbidden as they all have traces of nuts, even though this is done purely from the perspective of “just in case”. In a mostly empty huge open plan office. It’s just stupid.

Making it awkward for your friend is unpleasant, exposing your son’s DP to someone who is a clear threat to them given their comments could be deadly.

Your son’s DP’s safety has to come before your friend’s comfort.

His attitude is appalling as is his lack of understanding. I’d write back: “Thank you for letting me know your thoughts - on the basis of your comments and lack of understanding I’m asking you not to attend.”

You sound lovely OP and your son’s DP is lucky to have you watching out for her. I would also fear this man might bring a contaminated dish and endanger the woman who’s allergic. What about his partner bringing something? I’d be worried about some cross contamination from the whole household.

I'm sorry, but why is your friend's partner messaging you?
I'd be spitting feathers if I'm honest, and would certainly uninvite this man. I'd also cast him adrift from any further social gatherings I may be hosting in the future.

i weep for humanity

I just am a bit sceptical about adults who until yesterday ate everything without a moments thought, and today they have a severe nut allergy to the point where they can’t be in the same house as a protein bar

Allergies can worsen or be more severe with each exposure. You don't always react the same way.
You could be *fine" one day, with just a bit of a reaction, then the next a serious one.

Agree that you should send his message to your friend and not invite him. I would also send a link such as this - to a bad outcome from exposure to nuts - and point out that it's the,same condition. In this sad case someone brought food to work and shared it.

My son has but allergy and carries an epipen. There are a lot of people who confuse food intolerance with allergy. www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hereford-worcester-66677890

Yes, this - which is why I said upthread it may seem harsh but I'd be wary of inviting her too. Not because she's necessarily done anything wrong, it's him who's a twat) but because it'd be a potential risk having a dish from the household.

So you're more concerned about potential awkwardness for you than potential death for a guest? My mind boggles....tell him he is uninvited.

Does she know that her partner has contacted you to mock and dismiss your DIL's nut allergy?

Surely it's better to uninvite him or to read him the riot act even if it upsets your friend, rather than risk your DIL's health.

Does your friend know he's said this? Is she okay with that? And can she guarantee that he's not going to force the situation by bringing nuts so that your DS' partner has to "get over her problem" with them?

That person wants to help they never have to witness someone having an anaphylactic seizure! Tell the arsehole to stay away from the event! You are simply safeguarding sons DP and good on you for being vigilant too!

I was told last night of a twin who died recently from a nut allergy. He was 23 and carried an epi-pen. Please OP, if you think this stupid man is likely to bring nuts to you house then uninvite him. As he’s your friends DP, speak to her and explain why you think it’s best if he stays away.

This. It might tell her something she needs to know.

Unfortunately, allergies can just appear from nowhere. Not nuts in my case, thankfully, but after 40 years of taking one type of medication, I found myself with burning, blistering hands, coughing, swollen lips and mouth 20 minutes after taking two ibuprofen. I'm now not just unable to have those, I can't have any salicyclates at all and can't even use shampoo or body lotion without studying the ingredients list first.

This prick is probably hoping that there will be a big row so he can cut your friend off from you. Obviously, for safety, he has to be banned from attending, but separately, you could contact her and say that whilst you do not want him ever around as you feel he is a danger, you are worried for her and she can always contact you. Expect her to block you on his command, but at least you'll have made the offer first.

When you contact your friend I'd also ask her not to bring anything as you feel you can't trust him not to have put a nut product in it.

Does he also think Covid wasn't "real"?

Your mate might see the idiot for what he is when you uninvite him.

@TwoBagsOfCompost - allergies can appear at any time. I was fine with penicillin, until I wasn't and I was in my 50s at the time. Fortunately nothing awful happened and no epi pen was needed, but my whole body swelled up, even my ears, and I was covered in the itchiest rash I've ever had in my life.