Friend and Daughter Issues

[MondeoFan]

Please let me know if I’m being unreasonable here. I have a good friend that I see every weekend. Sometimes we go to a park, cinema, restaurant, pub garden etc that type of thing. She has been suffering with her mental health for a couple years and I’ve been supporting her with this best I can.
The issue is her DD behaviour. Her DD is 4 years younger than my DD but they get on ok and we can normally go somewhere suitable for both of them.
My friend has basically no control over her DD. Her DD is quite mean to my DD so much so that my DD is saying she doesn’t want to meet up with them anymore. I know people will say it’s kids being kids but her DD hits my daughter and spits at her to get her own way. E.g if my daughter sits down after running around for quite a while she will try and pull her up and if my DD doesn’t want to get up she will spit at her. Last night she kept hitting her with the hula hoop in her back. My friend either says nothing or tells her off in a lighthearted way.

ive tried to intervene in the past and the child has pulled a face and tried to spit at me. What would you do? I’m trying to be supportive of my friend and they do have a 4 year age gap so my DD is really well behaved tbh as I’m much stricter than my friend. It’s horrible to see as my DD has been bullied at school about her looks and now I feel like I’m allowing her to be bullied essentially by this child as she’s quite mean.

i told my DD everytime she does something say “no thank you” etc

Well, you are allowing her to be bullied. Why?

Good Lord. Stand up for your daughter. Stop going to the meet ups and tell your friend why.

It’s not kids being kids. It’s one kid bullying another kid.

You need to step up and intervene, your dd shouldn't have to put up with that. If your friend won't tell her off for hitting and spitting, I would! I would also be extremely clear to your friend that you will leave if she can't stop for dd doing that to yours.

She's not much of a friend if she's happy for your dd to be hit and spat on.

You are being selfish. Your friend's mental health is not more important than your daughter's. Nobody wants to spend every single weekend with a younger child who is allowed to hit and spit at them with no consequences.

I can't believe you're putting it on her to stop the behaviour. What the hell is "No thank you" supposed to do? Don't raise a mug/doormat.

The Mother of that child would be an ex-friend, if it was my child in that situation. What are you doing to protect your child OP?

know people will say it’s kids being kids

No they won’t!

her DD hits my daughter and spits at her to get her own way

And what was your response to that?! I’d have told her to stop then got up and left and not seen her DD again.

You are letting your daughter be bullied. Why are anyone else’s feelings, wishes or issues more important than your child’s safety? They shouldn’t be. I can’t believe what I’m reading.

What would I do? Tell my so called friend to sort her fucking daughter out. You're prioritising your social life over your daughter. Stop allowing her to be bullied.

Oh and I can already see what will happen here. Your daughter will finally snap and hit this girl back and the crap mother will go mental and blame you.

She’s not a good friend btw, she’s enabling a nasty violent bully.

To add - my friend's son was really awful to my son one visit so I just don't take him any more. We see each other in term time for a coffee (and much less than we used to).

Do you have other friends OP?

Stop seeing your useless friend.

Prioritise your daughter's mental health instead. You're not a great parent yourself @MondeoFan.

Yep. No more meet ups. When your friend asks why, give a reply along the lines of 'the girls aren't getting along. DD doesn't enjoy it anymore'

Don't tolerate this child's behaviour. Your friend's MH issues are no excuse. She needs to manage her child better.

You need to do better by your own child which means staying away from this one until she can behave properly.

I think you need to arrange to meet your friend separately.

It is not ok for her child to be hitting or spitting at your DD and that is shocking that she does it to an adult as well.
I can't believe her mum doesn't do anything, or has perhaps even confided in you if she is struggling and doesn't know how to handle the situation. The DD clearly needs boundaries and her mum doesn't want to/doesn't feel able to.

Spitting! Fuck that. I’d have to call out a child for spitting in front of the parent.. that’s disgusting

Put your daughter first! Stop the meet ups and tell your friend exactly why. She needs to put a stop to her child's behaviour. It's not kids being kids, it's disgustingly bad behaviour and needs to be stopped. Not good for your DD to see you both being a pair of wet lettuces around this girl.

You're not taking this seriously enough OP, you ARE allowing your daughter to be bullied and it seems that you now plan on making it her responsibility to manage it whilst the parents of both children sit back and watch it happen.

I'd be telling the other child's mother in no uncertain terms that their child's behaviour is unacceptable and that there won't be any more meet ups if she can't or won't put a stop to it. From your daughter's perspective, I'd imagine that probably isn't good enough at this point. Does she want to be forced to spend time with this child after being hit and spat at repeatedly? I very much doubt it, even if the other child's behaviour was to improve.

Please end the friendship.

I was in this situation many years ago whereby o should have ended it sooner because of the way her kids treated my ds.

You’ll find people who value you.

It’s hard because you want to support your friend. But you aren’t helping anyone allowing this to carry on - least of all your friend who has no motivation to change things under the current situation.

Of you want to be friends with her make it cease it’s adult only meet ups from now on.

Is it that you’re worried how doing anything about the situation will affect your friendship and / or your friend’s mental health?

In my opinion it’s wrong to continue putting your daughter through this. Can you say to your friend that her DD doesn’t seem to like your DD at the minute so you think it would be best if they don’t meet for a whille?

You dont say how old they are. 4 years actually is quite a big age gap for children to play. Spitting is an absolute no no and she sounds like a little horror. If your friend wont say something then you should tell her off. You need to educate your daughter to stand up to her. Failing that then dont take your daughter when you meet up or take a friend as well?

Meet the friend without your daughter present (or don’t meet her if that’s not possible). Tell her why - your daughter and she don’t get along. Your daughter should not be forced to endure unpleasant company.
You should have stood up for your daughter when she was being treated badly and intervened with your friend’s daughter if your friend did not. Make sure you do if it happens again with another child.
Alongside this, teach your daughter some skills to stand up for herself. Role play what she might say / do (tbh you might want to do some research into this one yourself as you don’t seem to be able to advocate for your child atm - learn some skills you can pass on to her)

How old are the DC?

I’m not surprised your daughter’s getting bullied. You’re teaching her that it’s ok, by not standing up for her or teaching her how to stand up for herself. (‘No thank you’ needs to be followed with ‘mum I want to go now please because X spat on me’) You’re also modelling pushing through your own discomfort for the perceived comfort of others.

I would not be seeing my friend with my DD any more and telling her why. I understand you’re supporting a friend, but that cannot come ahead of your daughter.

You wouldn’t choose to meet every weekend with someone who assaulted and spat at you, why should your child be made to?

I’d be looking at ways to stay connected with my friend that didn’t involve the DC.