Friend and Daughter Issues

[MondeoFan]

Please let me know if I’m being unreasonable here. I have a good friend that I see every weekend. Sometimes we go to a park, cinema, restaurant, pub garden etc that type of thing. She has been suffering with her mental health for a couple years and I’ve been supporting her with this best I can.
The issue is her DD behaviour. Her DD is 4 years younger than my DD but they get on ok and we can normally go somewhere suitable for both of them.
My friend has basically no control over her DD. Her DD is quite mean to my DD so much so that my DD is saying she doesn’t want to meet up with them anymore. I know people will say it’s kids being kids but her DD hits my daughter and spits at her to get her own way. E.g if my daughter sits down after running around for quite a while she will try and pull her up and if my DD doesn’t want to get up she will spit at her. Last night she kept hitting her with the hula hoop in her back. My friend either says nothing or tells her off in a lighthearted way.

ive tried to intervene in the past and the child has pulled a face and tried to spit at me. What would you do? I’m trying to be supportive of my friend and they do have a 4 year age gap so my DD is really well behaved tbh as I’m much stricter than my friend. It’s horrible to see as my DD has been bullied at school about her looks and now I feel like I’m allowing her to be bullied essentially by this child as she’s quite mean.

i told my DD everytime she does something say “no thank you” etc

And I would absolutely tell the parent that I have no intention of meeting up again,! Protect your child! This is your priority!

I would argue that telling a friend her daughter is horrible is far worse than just ghosting a friendship. Nobody likes being told their child is a bully (even if they know it deep down) and it usually results in a much greater fallout than necessary.

Being a good friend also has nothing to do with pointing out obvious flaws in someone else's child. If the mum is mentally ill she is probably already trying her best but it's simply not good enough. She knows her daughter can be rude but what do you expect her to do about it? You only see her 1% of the time and even if she tells her daughter off for bad behaviour, you have no idea what goes on 99% of the time you don't see them.

From experience, children who act up and behave like bullies are suffering horrific things behind closed doors. The mum is either neglecting her entirely and she has to fend for herself or she's being shouted at and abused. (Is she unnaturally skinny or overweight for her age?) A lot of bullying is obviously copied behaviour that the kids learn from their parents.

It's obviously time to call it a day with your friendship and gracefully ghost her.

@MondeoFan This friend's mental health isn't your responsibility but your daughter definitely is! You are allowing your girl to be mercilessly bullied every weekend by this nasty little spiteful brat of a kid. Your poor daughter must utterly dread it, and yet you are prioritising your friendship with this woman.

You're sitting there allowing your daughter to be bullied so you can support your friend. These kids are not friends, it's harmful to your daughter to be bullied. Both you and your friend are allowing that.

It's time to put your daughter first. She should come before your wish to be a support for your friend. You no longer meet up with the kids along. If you can't arrange that your meetups are child free, they stop.

What does this friendship bring you? You get to look like a good person being supportive of her but it's at the expense of your daughter being seriously bullied. And she sees you don't have her back.

I'm shocked that you are subjecting your daughter to this!
You are supposed to protect her!

I was going to say how can you be friends with someone who let's her daughter spit at and be violent to your daughter? But you are just as bad for taking her and letting this happen!

i told my DD everytime she does something say “no thank you” etc

What on earth is this meant to do when she is being spat at?

Next time your friend wants to meet up, just let her know your DD does not want to due to her DD’s behaviour. You have to respect your daughter’s opinion here, as she should not be bulled like this, friend or not. If your friend wants your support, she needs to get her daughter under control. Spitting on people is unacceptable.

I’d arrange to see her when her DD isn’t there, and if she asks why say “my DD doesn’t like how your DD treats her”. I don’t think you should continue to put your DD through that tbh

Do you need to ask wow?
What would you advise a friend?

Meet up without them if you have too or facetime or dont bother at all.

I would have left when her kid spat on mine. 'no thank you' is for minor issues not serious physical bullying and pushing about. also - dragging her up when she has had enough of playing. not acceptable

YOUR DD's WELL BEING COMES FIRST - ALWAYS

"I feel like I’m allowing her to be bullied essentially by this child as she’s quite mean." - you are.

" i told my DD everytime she does something say “no thank you” etc" - why are you not supervising this? Saying No thank you isn't working.

I'd be telling the Friend. No thank you, and that the way her dd behaves and the friend's lack of supervision is unacceptable

You don't support a friend to the detriment of your child.
Wtf is wrong with you?! Your DD and this other child don't get on okay.
You're letting your daughter be bullied and spat at.

Had this recently with a couple we were really
good friends with. They came to stay for a weekend and brought their little girl with them.
I never experienced a child so nasty in my life. She homed in on one of my boys and pinched, smacked and tormented him all weekend. The parents did fuck all and I had to step on several times with putting her on the naughty step and pulling her off him. I was absolutely raging. We will never have our children around her again and the relationship with our friends has all but completely dissolved.

Well said. This is disgraceful neglect of your little girl’s emotional balance, OP, and is the kind of experience that can cause deep scars in a child.
The feral playmate’s mother should not be your worry when you have a daughter needing you to be strong for her, rather than idly mentioning that she is being regularly bullied, as though your reaction is just shrugging ‘Que sera, sera!’ at a child’s unhappiness.

What are their ages? Is one two and the other 6? One 8 and the other 12 etc etc. Either way, you need to have a discussion with your friend about their childs behaviour and if she doesn't understand or try to help the situation then she's not a friend.

What are you going to do @MondeoFan?

I’ll be very surprised if anyone says that this is kids being kids. Your poor daughter is being bullied!

Stick to seeing your friend without dd there. She sees this child because you’re friends with the mother and not because the kids are actual friends. It’s not fair on dd

When she's older your DD will look back and think 'why did my mother allow this?'.

Thanks @everyonefor your input. The ages are 6 and 10. I have known this friend for a long time and she isn’t a new friend and I do have other friends. She has recently been diagnosed with bipolar and I have been seeing her to support her. Her daughter’s behaviour has got progressively worse over the weeks. First she said she’s just tired but it’s been getting worse so I think it isn’t just tiredness. I have been trying to intervene as the weeks have gone on but don’t want to completely overtake the situation. I do work with children also so do understand some children display certain behaviours etc. ive made the decision to see my friend without my daughter until the situation improves

Good to hear that you need to protect your own daughter from further abuse

Horrific. This will become a core memory, stop meeting with them!

I had to endure something similar to this. When something triggers a memory about it, I still feel annoyed that the situation was allowed to continue for years, with the Adults doing absolutely nothing to protect me.

Good call. If the child's behaviour is getting worse, then maybe she needs some support as well. Obviously your main priority has to be your Daughter.

I wouldn’t pussy foot around the issue. Tell your friend why your daughter is no longer coming.

You should of got your daughter and left the first time it happened. Who let's someone spit at their kid and does absolutely nothing