AIBU to think marrying after eight months is not always rash?

[Turtlebeaker]

I’m curious whether people think DH and I rushed into things or whether sometimes you genuinely just know when you’ve met the right person.

DH and I met 4 years ago through a mutual friend at a wedding. Neither of us had ever been married before and we were both 36 when we met.

We got on incredibly well from the start and decided to go on a date. There was just an immediate connection. We were both at a stage in life where we knew ourselves, knew what we wanted and weren’t looking for someone to complete us just someone to share life with.

DH is British and American (dual citizenship). He grew up in the US, moved to the UK for university and has lived here ever since. Within 2 months of us meeting, he took me to America to meet his family, and I also met his family here in England. It felt very natural to become part of each other’s lives quite quickly. He met mine, my family were a little hesitant, his family not so. Then again his parents got married after 2 months of knowing each other and had 5 kids but in the 70s that was quite common. My parents have since come round

We got married after 8 months together. He proposed and a month later we got married at our local register office in London. We had a meal afterwards with around 50 people and it was honestly a brilliant day. It was relaxed, fun and didn’t cost a fortune.

Two months after getting married, we bought a house together. We both had savings and were financially stable, so it wasn’t a situation where we were making a reckless decision without thinking things through.

Since then, we’ve had two children. Our eldest turns 2 in a few weeks and our youngest is 4 months. We’re very happy together and I honestly feel incredibly lucky.

I was chatting to a new colleague at work who is 40 and would really like to meet someone. She asked how I met DH and when I told her our story, she was shocked. She said she couldn’t believe I married someone I “barely knew”.

I understand why some people might think 8 months sounds quick, but I don’t feel like we were making an immature decision. We were both 36, had lived our lives, knew ourselves and knew what was important to us.

I truly believe that sometimes when you know, you know. I believe love can happen quickly and that you can meet someone and just feel that they are your person. In some ways, I wish I’d met him sooner because I feel like I waited a long time to find him.
Of course, there are relationships where people rush and it doesn’t work out, but I don’t think there is a magic timeline that guarantees success.

AIBU to think that the length of time you’ve known someone isn’t the only thing that determines whether a relationship will work? Or would you still say we took a huge gamble. We were in our mid/late 30s we just knew what we wanted.

My parents got married after 6 months, they’re still happily married 50 years later.

My husband proposed to me after 3 weeks and 5 days of our first meeting. We hadn't even kissed. Married 9 months later at age 22 and still at uni. Everyone said it wouldnt last but we celebrated 26 years this year.

We had both had a couple of serious relationships before we met so we weren't entirely naive but I think it was a big risk looking back. But the risk was definitely worth the reward.

I knew from my first date with dh that this relationship was different. We still waited 7 years before marrying though. We were young and didn't see any reason to rush. We've been together 23 years now and I don't regret waiting.

To me marrying after 8 months is always rash, that's not to say it won't work out but there is no denying that a couple who have been together longer have experienced more together and have seen more sides to each other.

I think lots of people see who reach their mid to late 30s marry quickly and have children quickly because the clock is ticking, they tell themselves that it's different because they are more mature etc etc but the truth is if time wasn't against them they would be more cautious but they don't feel that they can afford to be so they rush things and cross their fingers for the best.

My husband proposed after 3m, and I accepted, but we didn't actually get married until wed bee together 11 years, and we hit a bad rough patch in our marriage after 18 years, but heading towards our 19th anniversary in a better place.

I cover all bases on being rash and being cautious and having been together a long time, all I can say is that it's cute that you think you're all sorted on the relationship front - you don't know what your "finish line" is until you get there.

Could be death do us part, could be over and done next year. Good luck in your marriage OP - what you did 4y ago isn't going to matter in the long term. The early stages of your relationship are like the first jobs you put on your CV - they stop being relevant after a while!

It’s unusual in this day and age, yes.

Those who are saying they’ve been married 20+ years or their family members have been married for 50 years after only knowing each other a few months etc are commenting on different times. Back then, it wasn’t unusual to get married quickly as living together before marriage was frowned upon, sex before marriage was frowned upon, women were expected to get married and have children, being a SAHM was often the norm etc. The world is different now.

I’m glad it’s worked out for you.

We got engaged after 3 months, married at just under 2 years. We only waited until then because my brother threw his toys out the pram about the idea of his younger sister being married before him when he and (now) SIL had been together longer. Married 23 years, no regrets.

We knew. We talked about marriage after 6 months, moved in together after 8 months although it was about a year and half before he formally proposed.

Ah, @Turtlebeaker, what a lovely post! This made me so happy to read. If it helps, DH and I met in the October of 1993, went on our first holiday together in the December, got engaged early in 1994 and married in late August 1994. So, we’re a couple of weeks away from our 32nd wedding anniversary. Like you and your DH…we just knew. Sending you both lots of love xxx

DH and I were married 11 months after our first date. 26 years married and 2 adult children. We were both early 30s, been to uni, had good jobs. Both financially independent. Didn’t live together as we each had our own flats. Seems to have worked out so far.

20 years ago and 50 plus years ago are very very different concepts and can't be readily lumped together. Those of us married around 20 years are the children of those married 50 years.

In the year 2001, when I met my husband, there was no frowning upon living together or sex before marriage. It really wasn't 'different times' or 'back then'. There was no societal pressure against cohabitation or sex/children outside marriage.

Even from my childhood, it was not unusual for couples to live together and have children before marriage. (Looking at my husband for one, a 1973 baby of unmarried parents).

You have to go back to my parents' age (WW2 and earlier babies) who married in the early 1960s to get to a cohort that felt they had to marry quickly to avoid scandal. Even then, the judgement was heavily class based.

No,never heard that. Who said it?
Most of the posters here seem happy with their - in your opinion - 'hasty' marriages.

Perhaps it's an old wives tale 🤔

How can you both have 'had a couple of serious relationships before we met' when you got married at 22 - 9 months after you met?

Serious relationships whilst a teenager?? This is ridiculous

And proposing before even having kissed?
Let alone proposing after 3 weeks, oh lets not forget the 5 days LOL

You're late 40s and spouting this rubbish: beyond belief - have you been reading Mills & Boon this summer?

I also had a True Romance style love.
Said I love you after 2 weeks and would absolutely have been married within 6 months had my mum not been like “nooo, we’ve been saving for this your whole life, bigger wedding pleaseee” which made it 20 months post meet. We were 28/29. That was 17 years ago. Been madly in love ever since, genuinely, head over heels. Fuck the rules 🙂

It can go either way tbh. I know quite a few people who got divorced after waiting a long time to get married. There’s no guarantee if you take your time, nor if you rush. You do you!

I’ll take that. I forget 20 years ago was 2006 and not 1980. I still think 2006 was last week.

Sixteen years ago my friends got married 28 days after meeting.
They are still married with children and seem very happy.

Yep i got married in 2005 after 6 months together i was 31 and far from a blushing virgin
Loads of people had sex before marriage and multiple partners
Loads of people also had children without being married and nobody batted an eyelid

It was absolutely rash, and completely wild, but it's nobody else's business. You are both consenting adults who are allowed to make rash decisions if they want to.

I am very much in the take things slow with relationships camp though. Probably slower than most other people would think typical. Most people I know met at uni, and married 10-15 years later. That seems entirely normal to me, but it's a bit trickier if you meet later in life and wish to be married before starting a family

It is obviously rash. At 8 months you cant know if someones for you, you havent experienced enough time with that person to find out their flaws. Its easy to hide who you are for 8 months of dating, barely living together, your always going to be on best behaviour

Obviously some people who get married early will work out, but its still a much bigger gamble than waiting a few years. Being a rash decision doesn't mean it won't work out

I think if you take a cross section of relationships at 8 months many people will be in love, thinking this person is for them and they "know" and a lot of those relationships will break down before the marriage stage.

The other issue is the pressure to stay together if you get married quickly, fear of judgement may mean people stay in a poor relationship longer than they naturally would have done.

Having said that its your life, you can make whatever rash decisions you want with it.

Not necessarily rash.

There are probably no statistics to show the length of time between meeting and marrying, just as there are none to support my belief that the smaller the wedding, the greater the likelihood of it being 'till death us do part'.

There are statistics that show couples who dated 3 years or longer had lower divorce rates, up to 50% compared to couples who dated under a year before proposal.

In terms of wedding size, that's largely cultural. Higher guest size tends to correlate with lower divorce rates, but higher spends in the US correlates with higher divorce rates

Its worked for you so why the long post about what really amounts to nothing?

I think the rushed relationships I was skeptical of in the past were ones when I couldn’t understand what the rush was, for example in their 20s, no clear reason as to why they needed to rush to moving together, marriage etc, it always gave off a bit of desperation needing to lock them down. Why the rush? Why not take the time. However, I think when it’s more of a case of not wanting to beat around the bush when other things are at stake such as visa issues, military housing, declining fertile age it just seems a bit more logical and can be driven by more pure emotions of wanting to be together and seize the moment.

Ive seen a fair few rushed marriages in my life as a military wife, it’s genuinely a mixed bag, I couldn’t say it always fails or succeeds, I don’t think it’s a a reliable marker of success or failure. So I agree Op I wouldn’t always see it as rash.

Yeah not a Mills and Boon fan.

We were practicing christians at that time and thats how things were done.

And yes. My nearly 4 year relationship before that was serious to me.

Oh it’s always rash, but that doesn’t mean it can’t/doesn’t work out for people.

I met someone once and I ‘just knew’ and it fell apart almost instantly! But people don’t remember or talk about those times as much.

glad it’s going well for you op, it sounds fantastic! But 8 months is very quick and yes, ‘rash’ to get married. I hope you have a long and happy life together!