AIBU to think marrying after eight months is not always rash?

[Turtlebeaker]

I’m curious whether people think DH and I rushed into things or whether sometimes you genuinely just know when you’ve met the right person.

DH and I met 4 years ago through a mutual friend at a wedding. Neither of us had ever been married before and we were both 36 when we met.

We got on incredibly well from the start and decided to go on a date. There was just an immediate connection. We were both at a stage in life where we knew ourselves, knew what we wanted and weren’t looking for someone to complete us just someone to share life with.

DH is British and American (dual citizenship). He grew up in the US, moved to the UK for university and has lived here ever since. Within 2 months of us meeting, he took me to America to meet his family, and I also met his family here in England. It felt very natural to become part of each other’s lives quite quickly. He met mine, my family were a little hesitant, his family not so. Then again his parents got married after 2 months of knowing each other and had 5 kids but in the 70s that was quite common. My parents have since come round

We got married after 8 months together. He proposed and a month later we got married at our local register office in London. We had a meal afterwards with around 50 people and it was honestly a brilliant day. It was relaxed, fun and didn’t cost a fortune.

Two months after getting married, we bought a house together. We both had savings and were financially stable, so it wasn’t a situation where we were making a reckless decision without thinking things through.

Since then, we’ve had two children. Our eldest turns 2 in a few weeks and our youngest is 4 months. We’re very happy together and I honestly feel incredibly lucky.

I was chatting to a new colleague at work who is 40 and would really like to meet someone. She asked how I met DH and when I told her our story, she was shocked. She said she couldn’t believe I married someone I “barely knew”.

I understand why some people might think 8 months sounds quick, but I don’t feel like we were making an immature decision. We were both 36, had lived our lives, knew ourselves and knew what was important to us.

I truly believe that sometimes when you know, you know. I believe love can happen quickly and that you can meet someone and just feel that they are your person. In some ways, I wish I’d met him sooner because I feel like I waited a long time to find him.
Of course, there are relationships where people rush and it doesn’t work out, but I don’t think there is a magic timeline that guarantees success.

AIBU to think that the length of time you’ve known someone isn’t the only thing that determines whether a relationship will work? Or would you still say we took a huge gamble. We were in our mid/late 30s we just knew what we wanted.

We met at work we were both early 40’s with previous relationships, I moved in with him after 6 months. We’ve now been together now for 16 years and are thinking about getting married .
so it can work out, if it’s right for you that’s all that matters. 😊

Not always, no. But that’s not a high bar. Even if one marriage succeeded it would mean it wasn’t “always” rash.

More often than not, I think it is imprudent. I think it is important to really know someone and how they deal with life’s ups and downs before committing to spending your life with them and tying your financial future with theirs.

For women, it is especially imprudent - lots of abusers can hide their true selves for a while. It’s one of the reasons that so many abusers begin or increase their abusive behaviour after marriage and/or the first child. By which point many women feel unable to leave.

I met my husband and married him within a year 40 years ago. Tbh I’d have married him within a month.
No regrets.

I think the problem is that 8 months isn’t enough time to observe someone across many situations/pressure points. You can absolutely find and marry the love of your life quickly. It’s just the chances you may have misjudged someone increases exponentially. Most new boyfriends/girlfriends seem fantastic for the first few months. For example, I know a woman who gave birth to a baby with someone 14 months after meeting them (so pregnant after 5 months). Her partner thinks she is the sweetest most kind-hearted woman on the planet. He has no idea her last ex (boyfriend before him) dumped her the year prior to them meeting because he caught her secretly not taking her birth control pills. He also has no idea her ex spouse hates her for having an affair and leaving them for a work colleague. He often says things like ‘Her ex is crazy - how could anyone not like her?!’ It simply wasn’t enough time to know her well and I’m very curious how this will all turn out.

Everyone is different, however the honeymoon phase is driven by a surge of brain chemicals and hormones. Dopamine creates feelings of excitement and pleasure, norepinephrine causes butterflies and racing thoughts, while oxytocin and vasopressin strengthen emotional bonding and attachment. Changes in serotonin may also contribute to constantly thinking about your new partner. This phase typically lasts between 6 months and 2 years before feelings usually settle into a deeper, more stable form of love.

I agree with this.

Your post comes across as bit defensive and a tiny bit smug, if I'm brutally honest. I'm not sure why you're asking if you're so sure.

Maybe you have found someone who is perfect for you and all power to you if you have, but you really don't know. You're still, relatively speaking, in the early stages of this and it's going well which is a good sign, but a marriage can be a very long haul and you won't really know until it's properly tested.

As a general principle I think its foolish to get married too soon as you really need to observe someone under pressure to work out if they are really a keeper, and the early stages of a relationship don't really give you that stress test. But to some extend any decision is a gamble and you can never have absolute certainty about someone.

You seem very happy for now, I'd just carry on and hope for the best, but I'm not sure why you want the validation of randoms on the internet about the state of your marriage?

Met and married within a year here too. Been married 27 years. I do think now that we missed out a bit on the whole dating stage as it was serious very quickly but it was right for us.

There’s no right or wrong because I was just speaking about this last month when a friend of mine said she’s getting a divorce 2 years after marriage, they have lived together for 13 years, own a house and have 2 kids already, there was no major life event since the wedding but they’re still getting a divorce so length of time does not matter. DH and I got married after 4 years but he proposed after 6 months, I was 19 and he was 21, our parents told us to calm down as we were just kids. We’ve been married for 16 years now so sometimes when you know, you know.

DH and I eloped after not much more than a month together

As it happens, it worked out fine, but I wouldn't recommend it as it's a bloody stupid thing to do. Been married 32 years, but given we were almost strangers it could have gone either way...

Can I not make a post based on my own experience? I don’t think I’m being smug at all sorry if they’d how it came across that’s not my intention

Just thought to make a post as it’s been a reoccurring experience mentioned over 5 times by one person.

I don't think there's ever a right answer tbh.
I met my DH at 18 and knew straight away that we would get married and it still took us 10 years. We did so much growing up together over those years and Im glad we didn't get married quickly like i wanted. But as you say at 36 you've done a lot of the growing up so it makes sense that you both knew what you wanted quickly.
I also think people that haven't been in a good, fulfilling, happy relationship struggle to imagine it for others and think there must be a catch somewhere!
Congrats on a lovely life, its rare to hear people talking nicely about their other half and family!

How lovely. My great aunt (different times obviously) was engaged in three weeks, married in three months and it lasted 30 years until her husband's death. He was her "one true love" and - nearly 50 years on - she still has a twinkle in her eye when she talks about him.

You've written a word salad here in response to the two lines I wrote.

You're talking about abuse, a previous relationship, medicine, children, your brother, etc. - none of which really seems relevant

Nobody said 'don't be happy' - be as happy as you like, but after ONLY four years don't be smug, and yes wait and see - maybe your decision will be the right one, maybe not, only TIME will tell and you haven't given it time yet.

Love all the annecdotes but they are just that.
It’s obviously a bit risky to marry someone so early in a relationship and it’s going to work out just fine for some of those people.
Id question the need to get married in such a rush assuming there isn’t a religious (or immigration based) reason. The ‘childish’ bit isn’t knowing you think you have the right person but the race to get married so quickly. It seems like you are trying to prove something.
My DH and I discussed what our life plans were within the first week of meeting each other - I was 18 at the time. Although we didn’t talk about marriage as neither of us were fussed about it. That was 45 years ago (and we realised our life plans!!)
However my MIL married after a short time and spent the rest of her life in a deeply unhappy marriage which affected but her and her children.

That sounds like a whole lot of drama that most people wouldn’t have.

My husband and I are both medics I got into it a little bit later I’d already graduated with another degree then decided to go back and do graduate medicine. As my first degree in theology was useless in getting me a job. My husband majority of his working life he spent in East Africa on medical missions. He was in a relationship that ended and hadn’t been in a relationship for 7 years prior to meeting me. Neither of us have drama from our previous relationships at least not to that extent. My worst drama in my life was because I didn’t want to think about children in my 20s when I’d barely started a career or random things from an all girls school other than that I can’t name any drama.

We are probably still in the honey moon phase but now we have 2 little kids who can share our life with. It’ll get harder the older they get but at 36 we both knew we wanted children.

Agree maybe word salad you’re not obligated to read.

You’re saying to come back in 15 years so I was asking is that the cut off time where you can at that you’re happy with a partner ? Or I could have misunderstood.

I think marrying young vs in your mid to late 30s is a very different experience. At 18 marriage was not on my mind. Everyone is different but if I was married at 18 that relationship would not have lasted based on who I was at that age. I do have a friend that got married at 21 straight after uni and they’re still married this is only my experience based on seeing them 3/4 times a year they seem happy. I don’t see them enough to know the ins and outs but we have a meet up with university friends 3 to 4 times a year and speak most days on a WhatsApp group chat.

I do think that the relationship working out doesn’t stop the initial decision having been rash and unwise. Obviously for you it worked out so it doesn’t really matter. But that’s not the same as it not having been a rash decision in the first place. Risky and unwise choices can still work out well sometimes.

I don’t believe that anyone in your situation genuinely did “just know”. You genuinely can’t know at 8 months whether someone is a lifelong partner for you. You can hope and take the risk, but you definitely don’t “know”.

You do you, let others do what they want. If you feel you have it good then thats brilliant. You are still very much in the honeymoon phase so i wouldnt be preaching about it yet.

You have had

Initial meet up
First sex
First date
Engagement
Move in together
Families meet
1st child
2nd child
Financial Stability

All in a very short period of time. When did the grass grow a little under your relationship? When did you have a period of settle? When did you have an illness that meant you found out how your partner reacted? When did you have a period where you spot flaws in your partner and maybe dont like them? When did you go off sex because you are an exhausted mum and DH starts to get a wandering eye? When did you have money issues? When was the last time you were bored?

Basically, enjoy what you are doing but dont preach that its perfect. Its only when you have struggles that you find out how strong the foundations of a relationship are.

I guess maybe know enough to be willing to take the risk. You only live once.

We did discuss it along with many other things. We aren’t totally insane contrary to our actions. I think what helped that he is the childhood friend of a mutual friends husband they’ve known each other since they were 3 and he had nothing but good things to say about him, even my friends husbands parents who’ve known him since nursery days. But then again they’re not exactly going to say bad things about him so you never truly know you can only trust your gut and do what makes you happy.

We grandparents married within 6 weeks of meeting and were happily together 65 years.
My parents were engaged after 2 weeks and happily married 55 years later.
DH and I moved in together after 3 months. Happily together for 24 years.
It worked for us all. Not for everyone!

I think it's probably always rash, but that doesn't necessarily mean its going to end badly @Turtlebeaker .

DP and I had our daughter 11 months into our relationship, we didn't know DP was pregnant until she went into labour. Obviously not the same as getting married, as that's a conscious decision you've chosen to make, and ours was very much not.

We got lucky, in that it turns out we were the right people for each other, and 18 years later it's been a very good relationship. But there's absolutely no way we could have known that at 11 months in. We barely knew each other to be honest. I don't think you can really know someone until you've lived with them for at least a year. You need to see them drop the act, the version of yourself you show to someone you're still trying to impress. The relationship needs to have become mundane, the norm, before you can truly know whether you've got a chance of making a marriage last.

So yes, getting married at 8 months is rash, but that doesn't always mean you'll see it as a mistake in hindsight.

I think it's rash, but then my DH and I were living together within 2 months, had our first child 18 months in (although we didn't marry until 3 years together), and have been happily married for nearly 20 years now. So sometimes it works out.

Yes, it's a gamble, but as pp have said, plenty of men turn into nightmares after 5, 10, or 15 years - or often, when their wife becomes pregnant. You can never really know for sure, so if it feels right, why wait to be married? Besides, you can always divorce. It's having a child together that's the much bigger commitment.

I actually think this is a really good point. Historic ‘drama’ is a red flag that people sometimes ignore. I reckon if you remove couples with red flags then the likelihood of success/happiness increases significantly. The problem is many (not all) people are blinded by love and ignore a partner’s past. If two sensible/honest people take a leap of faith together it can be beautiful.

Who says we’ve always had financial stability ? We were both 36 of course we both have savings. What 36 year old doesn’t have an emergency fund and savings surely I have worked since I was 16. If it does help he has had cancer in the time we’ve been together and I still loved him only caught reasonably early enough because he himself in a doctor. I think It is usually men who leave women for health reasons, we will have to see how our marriage gets on if I did get ill luckily I haven’t ever had an illness that has affected me apart from colds etc. I’m not sure I can conjure up an illness to test out marriage.

I haven’t preached that it’s perfect of course it’s not. I think my post may have been taken out of context not my intention to preach at all. So I prologues. I do however think not many relationships are perfect but can still be good relationships all I’ve said is that I’m very happy that’s this is the man I’ve chosen to have children with and only time will tell how things go.