AIBU: Is it unreasonable to consider another child when the first is autistic?

[SameIssue]

Would one be unreasonable to want another child if the first born is autistic? Not complex needs autistic but still largely non-verbal (singular words based communication) requiring extra support. Both parents in a stable long term relationship with decent financial condition to support two kids.

(Bearing in mind there being no history of neurodivergence on either side of the family)

I would have another if I wanted one. I wouldn't over think it.

I think the OP is considering whether the risk of having another child with extra needs is too high.

It's not unreasonable to think this.

It isn't unreasonable to want one, but there is a 20% higher chance that your second child will have autisim, so you have to factor that in to your decision-making.

Are you comfortable at the idea of having 2 autistic children? It’s possible and likely.

How would you feel having a second ND child? How do you think a second child would impact your ASD child? I have an only who is autistic/ADD, my sister has an oldest who is ASD/ADHD and a youngest who is ADHD. Mine requires quiet, routine, 1:1 attention to be happy and peaceful. I think another child would have been a bad choice for her. My sister kids were a tough mix when younger but her oldest is 16 now and youngest is 12 and they are fun together.

In my experience crazy kids come in sets! More kids is harder and more ND kids is extra harder. Doesn't make it a bad thing to do but I'd definitely want to be REALLY sure. I'll be looking after my DD long past 18, maybe for the rest of her life. I'm pleased I won't have to do the same for a second kid.

I have two children. Ds1 autistic Ds2 not. Didn't know ds1 was autistic before the birth of ds2. Just thought he was very active and didn't listen when talked to while loved talking gibberish to everyone. DS1 loves DS2 fiercely- says he's so lucky to have such a cute little brother.
DS1s needs are complex- he's verbal but have difficulties with following instructions and comprehending and heavy OCD due to anxiety. It's hard work. Whereas DS2 has always been an "easy" child. I have really paid attention to DS2 as well though- getting 1:1 time with him making sure he is seen and heard (which can be difficult when one child needs demands so much attention).

I would go for a second @SameIssue since you have got a solid relationship. But not more than that- and make sure dc2 doesn't become a glass child.

I think if you had another child and that child was not ND as long as there was zero expectation to have that child look after their older sibling when you have died then that is fine. It’s not just the consideration of another child being ND in circumstances like this

I had a second, they were also autistic. As it happens they both have relitively manageable need and no major conflicts of needs, but in retrospect, that was incredibly lucky.

For us it actually worked very well, they're on the same wavelength, so get on amazingly, and they need similar accommodations so I don't struggle with balancing different needs like I would if one was NT.

No not unreasonable, it depends on how well you are coping with the first dc with autism and how stretched your resources are.
I don't think people with disabilities are any less worthy of life.. Also autism is a spectrum so even if one child is non verbal, the next might be high functioning and only have minor difficulties.

I wouldn't, personally.

Depends how well the parents cope with the issues I think. If they find one challenging, two is going to be more than twice the work. My friend had one with moderate problems, which were obvious from a young age. She had a second who also has the same problems, probably a bit worse. They wind one another up, and she never has a quiet moment. Both at different specialist schools now, which has helped, but I wouldn’t cope with her life for a few hours let alone full time.
I’m not a very good friend because I avoid her if I know it’s holidays and the kids will be about because it’s just chaos. Throwing stuff, shouting, swearing, breaking things. I hate to think what they will be like as they get stronger and bigger than her tbh.
I would also consider what childhood will be like for the second if family life has to revolve around the firsts needs. And also into adult hood, when parents are gone they might feel a responsibility towards their sibling which is a lot to take on.

How old is your DS? I’ve worked in schools previously and there were many autistic children who became more challenging and their needs more complex as they got older. How do you feel about the possibility of having two high needs children?

We have two autistic sons - the age gap is only 2 years so we didn’t know about our eldest’s needs when we decided to have another.

Honestly it is very very hard. They’re both in mainstream schools with accommodations, so not the most severe level of need, but they need way more support than average for kids of their ages, and the dynamics between them are very tricky and complicated as they constantly trigger each other or have contradictory needs.

DH and I would have said ten years ago that we’re in a stable relationship, and were solid financially.

At this point I’ve had to give up work (because of all the meetings in school hours, school refusal etc), we still have to hire a Sen experienced babysitter during the school holidays so I can separate the two of them (ie she has one and I have the other), and we have a lot of extra expenses for interventions and equipments that we believe help them but can’t get any funding for. So financially things are ok but much tighter than they were.

And the relationship has massively suffered - we are amicable co-parents in the same house, but we have no time or energy for each other and no privacy or space for intimacy (both kids only sleep if with an adult).

I love my kids and could never wish them away, but I wouldn’t advise anybody else to go into this situation.

It's never unreasonable to think carefully about having a(nother) child.
But especially so if you already have one with additional needs.
I have 2, both diagnosed ASD within the last 3 years. We knew their "quirks" from early on but it wasn't until the youngest basically broke at age 8 that we even suspected more. It's hard, they have different presentations, different needs and issues and therefore need different, sometimes conflicting accommodations and support. I can't work any more as neither can attend school full time.
I wouldn't want to turn back time and not have then, they are both amazing people, I love them and love watching them evolve, but between balancing their needs and battling the SEN system to get the support they need life is definitely not easy.

I wouldn’t personally because either you will have a child who isn’t nd who has to fit in with the nd child who will need more attention. Or you will have another nd child and then spend your life splitting your self in two to meet two children complex needs and they may trigger each other and make each other struggle more. Plus the child you have may massively struggle with a sibling and the change that brings. You would be making your life harder by choice.

This.

Personally I wouldn't because though your first childs autism is manageable, what happens if your second one has it much more severe and would need much more care. How would that affect dc1. Obviously that's just my opinion but I think you should always imagine worst case scenario because you just never know

I didn't, to be fair Ds was diagnosed at 10 but had been diagnosed with specific neuro developmental challenges before then. I love him with all my being, but am neurodiverse myself and I think having a second child would have broken me ND or not.

Do you think you could cope with another DC with autism?

Could you cope? If yes then go for it.

I mean by the time I found out that my oldest son was autistic I had already had my second and was pregnant with my third.

It isn’t likely at all.

It is more likely compared to the general population probability (around 1 in 5 compared to 1 in 100) but actually she’s more likely to have a neurotypical child than an autistic child.

Autism is mainly genetic
Bur that doesnt necssarily mean its inherired ftom either parent
My son has a rare chromosone didorder thought to be the underlying resons for his autism and learning disabilities
But its a De novo mutation so whilst genetic it hasent been inherited from either me or his Dad

I have two autistic girls, both diagnosed age 9. I've said YANBU because it's your choice and lots of families manage.

However. You need to decide if you'd be happy with another child with similar needs, or even greater needs. Or if you had a ND child, how you would manage giving them what they need to flourish whilst supporting your eldest.

My girls struggle to spend time together, they bicker and knock heads, they're very different but both stubborn and black and white. We've bought a bigger house with separate lounges so we can separate them. I've seen families having to separate because one child cannot cope with the other, so each child lives with a parent. The EHCP and fighting for support is gruelling, one of you will likely have to go part time or give up work. DH and I both have mental health issues in large related to the struggles of our children's behaviour.

I wouldn’t, yes it’s not 100% definite that you will have another autistic child, but you are at elevated risk and you can’t control how that autism presents. Whether it’s mild enough they will on the whole live a completely independent life or whether they will be completely dependent on you. Do you have the capacity for two autistic children? Financial, emotional, time etc etc.

It’s easy for people to say “do it” but people on the internet don’t have to live with the consequences of their advice.

I had one with ASD, high functioning and then had another. The second child also has autism to a much greater extent and has been hard work, to the point of me nearly taking my own life.

the eldest has unfortunately had to witness his sibling attacking people, unable to have friends around to visit, unable to go out with his sibling as we couldn’t leave the house at one stage. He feels like he always came second sadly.

and don’t for one minute think “high functioning” is more manageable. In some ways it’s harder as the support isn’t available.

if I could go back, I wouldn’t have another one, even though I love the child with everything in me, I couldn’t do this again.

(come from a very supportive family, husband and I are a strong team, had lots of friends etc). Friends will leave..:and family will step back.